Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

[Sishirunak70]

Especially when those friends are accommodating, take an interest in your child/children and willing to work around you?
Why do you now only associate with other Mums and think that they 'just won't get it?'

Why do you let them disappear from your life since you became a mother? Whilst I understand it's hard, it's not impossible.
There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

The thing is, people can choose to spend their free time with whoever they want to, and it just appears that at this moment in time, for whatever reason that’s not you. It might be because that at this time they don’t feel they have much in common with you, they cannot relate to you etc. It might also be that they’re awful people, but I suspect not as you wouldn’t have been friends with them in the first place.
My best friend drifted away from me (I tried, she wasn’t interested) when I had kids. It’s taken a few years but we’ve got the closeness back. She just couldn’t relate to me anymore. These things happen, lives change, people change.

Of course she is speaking for herself. We all are. So are you. Nobody posting on this site has been declared by popular acclaim as the Empress of Having Children, or the Universal
High Arbiter and Judge of Tiredness.

Your posts are strangely aggressive, and you seem to be taking potshots at all mums because some mums have drifted away from you. I honestly think, and I mean this as kindly as possible, that you would benefit from reflecting on whether your hostility or snarkiness might be a factor in your friendships drifting.

Yeah was just thinking this, based on the way OP speaks to people it seems less likely her friends cba with her anymore because she is child free, and more likely that it’s because she’s a bit of a piece of work!

Well yes, of course I’m speaking for myself 🙄

Whom else would I be speaking for? My next-door neighbour? The King? Worzel Gummidge? Joan Collins? The entire population of Norfolk? I can assure you I have no mandate to speak on their behalf. 😂

What about women with young children that work also. Where do they fit in. I'm sure ( hopefully) they don't spend all their time at work going on about their kids

And don't the majority of these women have partners? So what's stopping them taking turns going out then no childcare costs

You fail to see how actually choosing to be a parent is “having the luxury of choice”? It is a choice, in exactly the same way that choosing not to be a parent is a choice. Different choices, both equally valid, neither better or more superior than the other.

Valid point. Doesn’t mean you didn’t have the “luxury of choice” though, because you did. And doesn’t mean that your choices or responsibilities or time are more, or less, important than anyone else’s.

I recall an old friend who got very sulky and petulant when the times/dates I offered to meet up with her didn't match her schedule. She had no hobbies or interests or care-giving obligations. She just seemed to spend her weekends being hungover. Fair play to her but it doesn't work for me. I work full time, I have children and a husband, all of whom I like and want to spend time with, I have hobbies, holidays etc. We just have a really packed schedule and it's a simple fact that I could meet at 10 on a Saturday for a coffee but not a boozy night out because I have to get up at 7 the next day. My mum friends are happy to squeeze in a coffee and a quick walk between the school run and going to work in the mornings. Obviously the mum friends are a lot easier and more understanding.

I haven’t done this and I have a good mix of childfree friends and friends with children. In fact, I really value the former as they remind me of my pre-child days, and sometimes I just want to ignore the fact I’m a parent and talk about something else. It actually annoys me sometimes when my childfree friends say bring DD; I know they’re being accommodating but it’s good to have a break occasionally.

That said, I also think you need to cut your parent friends some slack. Having a kid, even one, is probably the single most life-changing thing you can do. It utterly changes your life, your priorities, and is hugely time consuming. It’s not surprising that sometimes friendships that fitted a particular set of circumstances fall by the way side.

It might be that they simply don't want to go out in the evenings. Maybe they are tired, maybe they have hobbies, maybe their kids wake up at the crack of dawn. All sorts of reasons.

Apart from kids waking at crack of dawn the same can apply to child free people though.

If people don't want to go out in the evening then of course they will lose friends. It's difficult to keep friendships going if no one makes an effort

Superior?

Again, I haven’t seen anyone outright say or even suggest that choosing to have children is a “superior” choice.

Having children is of course a choice, but that doesn’t negate the fact that being a parent means you have much less choice in how you spend your time, what you do and when you do it.

Yeah that’s true. And maybe they’re ok with that at this time in their lives? It’s the OP on her complaining after all, not the friends with young children.

What if the childfree woman is a full time carer for an adult, has a full time job? fertility doesn’t equal busyness.

You get enough mothers of young kids moaning their friends have disappeared also

If you CBA to make the effort then you can't expect people who hang around for years in case you suddenly decide you can be bothered with them

That applies to friends in general.

Yawn. I don’t know anyone who routinely does this.

The only child free friend I never really picked up with after DS was born was an old friendly work colleague who I used to go to dinner with. After DS was born she never once contacted me to ask how we were, how the birth had gone or how we were bearing up - even months later.

I had PND, a terrible birth, a non sleeping baby and my life had fallen apart. I no longer had the energy to maintain 30+ friendships, especially with people who hadn’t even bothered to ask if I was ok.

Dear God why do you have to be so passive aggressive? Does it make you feel happy?

Yeah. Maybe they’re the ones who aren’t ok with it? Obviously all people are different. The OP’s friends might be ok with the current situation though.

But you DO have a choice, you just already made it, in choosing to be a parent.
And yes, many, many parents will tell or at best, imply, to their child free friends that being a parent is the “superior” choice. See previous comments about “you’ll never know real love/be truly fulfilled/dont you feel selfish“etc.
It is tiresome, but, ime, as I previously said, it passes!

. Just as long as they don't moan when they have no friends in the future. If they are currently ok with it they've made to choice and can't expect the ignored friends to reapoear when the need or want them around

This is a valid point. Some parents go around acting like parenthood is some burden put upon them without choice.

Why would they have no friends? The OP’s said they are seeing other friends, just not her at the moment.
Friendships evolve. Lives change. People have different priorities, different lifestyles… people relate to different people at different times of their lives. If friendships are meant to last, they will. I have wonderful friends from primary school, I also have wonderful friends I only met in the past couple of years, through our kids. I have friends I drifted apart from for years because our lifestyles just weren’t compatible, but we’ve since reconnected and are as close as we were before. I have friends who I was very close to for a period, but no longer am. That’s just life.

That.

I was the last of my friends to have children, by some margin. And I remember that feeling although it was several decades ago. The closeness disappears, and you become the person 'who doesn't understand what it's like' and the one who constantly makes the adjustments, but who is forgotten when the others meet up. It hurts.

When I had my own children I made new friends, because the old ones had lost interest in me by then.

Because they've ignored them. As often said on here these " mum" friends don't last well . Probably simply because they only gravitate towards each other due to kids. Once the people start getting back to themselves and not so child obsessed they may not like the " mum" friends muxh

Who keeps exactly the same group of friends for their whole lives? I would think it more weird of people did to be honest. Some friends last a lifetime, many don’t. Some friends are there for a particular phase of life, then things change. That’s just normal. I am a mum. I have mum friends, and child free friends. Some of my pre children friendships lasted, some didn’t. Some of my friendships developed through children have lasted, some haven’t. It’s weird to just assume that the OP’s friends are one day going to be lonely and will bitterly regret letting the friendship slide… they might, but equally they might not.