AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

[itsmeitsyou]

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

No I wouldn’t wake him. I would support by helping find other strategies. But if early starts are really not good for him (they wouldn’t be for me and I’m in my 40s!) it’s better he learns that now and is motivated to find a different day time job.

Good point. She should make sure his shoes are polished and he's got a clean and ironed hankie in case he gets the sniffles. She will, of course, be making him a nice, healthy packed lunch as well as some snacks for break time. Hopefully she's also checking the calendar well in advance to see if he will need his PE kit or a costume for International Book Day.

Back in the day (!), young kids got up to do paper rounds before school. I'm not saying that was ideal but at 20 years old, there really is no excuse not to be able to get up early.

Having thought about it, my body clock wouldn't be able to relax and would probably wake up at silly o'clock anyway to make sure he's up. I've done that when mine has had to be up at 6 on weekends. Yes, I have quickly checked on them and made sure they're awake. I think I'm veering towards yanbu-ish, but maybe a nudge to help the routine isn't a bad thing.

What I read from this is that you making sure he got up meant that he didn't have to learn his own coping strategies or take responsibility for himself. What got him to actually change his behaviour was being late and suffering the consequences.

God help us if anything serious happened to this country if this is how lacking in resilience young people are now.

All mine manage to get up early and go to work and I certainly.dont go wake them up they are ADULTS . They manage themselves..No one wakes me or my husband up and we manage to hold down jobs because we are ADULTS
my husband might bring me in a cup of tea if he's up 10 minutes earlier than I. , other than that no , he leaves me be and I get myself up and at work because I'm ADULT.
This is whats wrong with this younger generation , no accountability and take no responsibility they are babied .
If your son loses his job through his own fault then so be it , a lesson learned.
What if he's late because he can't get himself up in time , will you then drive him everyday ?
Slippery slope , sliiiiiiipery slope

He needs to get his stuff organized the night before, go to bed earlier and get a car.

He should get used to it eventually.

If your sister thinks it's unreasonable not to wake him up perhaps he should go and live with her. I bet she'd change her mind pretty quickly then.
As soon as my kids started secondary school they were responsible for getting themselves up and in to school on time.
I do have some sympathy because it's bloody early. I used to struggle with getting in to work for 3 in the morning but that's the job you do. Like you said there are plenty of people who need a job and if he looses this one he could struggle to get something else.

One and a half hours is a long commute

I remember my mum and even once my sister’s bf doing my paper round for me as I just couldn’t get up (I was 14) and neither of them wanted me to lose my job.

Their support didn’t hinder my progress, I’ve worked in a professional setting, consistently, for 35 years! I also remember receiving mum’s help to get-up for my first London marketing role too.

Back in the mists of time I had a scooter to get to work, only a provisional license needed and way cheaper than a car. Would that be an option to give him a slightly later start in the mornings?

Dear God he's a grown man. Tell him to get on with it . He can set multiple alarms. If he doesn't get up he'll be sacked.

My children are in their 20s and have worked (including long and unsociable hours) since they were 16.

I've never had to wake either of them up for work. It's their responsibility to get up and neither have ever assumed otherwise.

If he were at university in another city, would she be expecting you to get him up for lectures? To complete his assignments?

Your parenting job (in this respect) is over now. This is what you were working towards when you got him up and out to school on time every day.

It's fine to talk through strategies with him eg earlier bedtimes, two alarms, putting his phone across the room so he has to get out of bed to turn it off, getting everything he needs ready the night before, whatever helps him but actually doing it is his responsibility.

It is early but my partner is early 60s and gets up at 5am for work every day. If he can do it, a 20 year old certainly can.

At 20 years old lots of people would be living away from parents on their own or in a flat share etc. How would he cope then? Would you be calling him to wake him then? No you wouldn't. He needs to accept responsibility himself and get up when he needs to. This is what is wrong with the younger generation, still expecting their parents help for things like waking up for work! If he can't cope with the early mornings then the work isn't right for him!

You son buys a good old fashioned alarm clock, and puts it across the room! He has to get up to turn it off! He sets an alarm on his phone, turning up the volume, so that it wakes him.

I understand your son has been used to evening/late shifts, so isn't used to getting up early. It's going to take a few weeks for his body clock, to reset itself.

At the moment, he's not too worried, because he knows you're waking him up! He doesn't need to set an alarm!

He's an adult, it's his responsibility to get up on time and go to work! I used to work in a hairdressers on a Saturday at 13, and had to get myself up, dressed and out the door! My parents didn't wake me up!

If has got up and go. He can wake himself up.

No way. I'd support him by buying a new alarm or whatever, google some ideas, but no way would I be waking at 4.30am. He's a grown man. He really should be living independently by now.

Don't tar them all with the same brush. My 2 were up & about in time even for primary school

I think part of the issue is that many 20 year olds won't be living away from home anymore so they end up in an extended period of adolescence.

In the past, he'd have left home at 18 and been responsible for himself. As it is, he (like many others) still lives at home and still lives within the same dynamics. The parent/child relationship doesn’t develop or evolve in the same way.

My son lived at home when he went to university but it was important to me that he was as independent as he could have been to make that transition.

I have to get up at 3am for my job, I have an alarm on my phone and an Alexa. I'm now usually awakes before it even goes off. However, I had one of these years ago, seriously the most irritiating thing in the world, buy him one of these if you feel like helping him out without having to get up yourself! Which I absolutely would NOT do!
Clocky

Theres a huge difference between a 14 year old child and a 20 year old adult though.

I know what everyone will say, but I personally would not be able not to see him off with a hot cup of something anyway. I would wake him.

He needs a louder alarm and/or to go to bed earlier. I would help out for the first two weeks just because I would be so anxious.

I have a 20 year old who has just changed jobs too. One day a week he starts extra early so I just set my alarm then if I don't hear any noise I can give him a ring on his phone.
Only on first week but he managed so far.
I know he's 20 and he is very responsible but even adults a lot older can struggle with a change in routine.