AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

[itsmeitsyou]

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

Of course it’s a mother’s responsibility to baby a 20-year-old….

I never woke my older 3 dc from when they started secondary school.

Hes an adult, treat him like one!

He needs to go to bed earlier.

OP, wake him ONCE by throwing a bucket of ice water in his face and screaming until you are hoarse.

Or the dad can. Doesn’t matter which one of them wakes him.

I’d rather do this than have an unemployed 20 year old on benefits living in my house.

Wow I was working full time and married at this age. Had to travel across the city for work. Up at 5 preach morning. Imagine mummy coming over to wake me up.

Vibrating alarm clock under his pillow.

Surely that is the responsibility of the 20 year old, not on his mother. Her sister has called her selfish. She’s not selfish, she’s being guilt tripped. Being a good mother entails stepping back and letting your children be adults, the worst thing she can do is become responsible for getting him up. She can buy him a good alarm, as per the suggestions, and maybe agree to wake him the first 3 mornings, but no more. Any attitude from him (grumpy, not getting up, argumentative) should be discussed as him not getting the VERY kind offer of help at all.

Support him, while he gets used to his new routine. I would, for a while, at least.

Ignore your sister.
Perhaps she'd like to phone him every morning at 4.30am or come round and wake him herself?

He's 20! Bloody hell, expecting you to get up that early to wake him is so unreasonable! He's a grown man who happens to live at home, he's not a child, and if he needs help waking up then there are alarm clocks. I'm no stranger to an early start so it can be grim waking up early especially in winter, but he's gotto get on with it to keep his job.

It’s not an either-or situation unless you let it become one.

OP how is this even a question?

Your sister is nuts.

Could be. I wouldn’t risk it. I’d help him get used to his new routine.

Absolutely no way should you have to wake up at an ungodly hour to wake an adult who chose to take on an early shift job. Or even if it wasn’t strictly a choice (ie if only option) he’s still an adult and can set his own alarms!

I don’t even enjoy having to do this for my 12 yo!

I was also going to suggest a vibrating type alarm as well as a sound one.

He only doesn’t wake up to his alarms as he’s used to not having to.

@WhoPaintedMyRosesRed

me too. Get up, make sure he goes in the shower and cleans his teeth then cook him some breakfast. Wave him on his way. Small price to pay

Yea I would maybe help for the first week, on the agreement that he’s going to bed at a sensible time and not sitting on his phone ot watching tv until midnight. I know that sounds like treating him as a child but helping his establish a good routine will help long term.

My 16 year old has to get up before me to get public transport to college. I am afraid I just told her to crack on and set a few alarms, I'm not getting up before 6 to wake her! A 20 year old should definitely be able to manage this.

I set up a loud Bluetooth speaker under my son’s bed and set an alarm to play The Upsy Daisy song from In the Nightgarden. I would only turn it off when I heard him walking outside of his room. It only took a couple of days before he tuned his phone in and took control of which music woke him up. If he looked remotely like he was slacking off I would sign in again and find something else that was appalling for boys his age. (Baby Shark, The Llama Song, The Queen of the Night’s Aria from the Magic Flute, etc) While it may sound cruel, he respected the joke and would laugh and tell his friends that I got him again.
He’s 20 now and has been living out of home while working the ski season for six months. (Australia) He’s moving back in next week sometime. Let’s see if he’s better or worse now!

I wouldn’t get into the habit of waking him either unless there are some SN that you haven’t mentioned. Even then our DC2 has SN, is younger and goes to work earlier and manages just fine.

I would ask what he does about lunch, is there food there or does he take it with him and what alarms he has set. Having 2 might be wise in case one fails

Other than that conversation I’d probably leave him to it but then I come from a generation where my DF started work at 14 and had to hand over his full wage so they were treated like the other Men of the family from a much younger age.

Is he expecting you to wake him or has he genuinely slept through an alarm and is stressing about it? They are two different scenarios. Helping him by buying a better alarm is fair enough. Reminding him the night before to get everything ready is fair too. Getting up the first morning to help him out the door is an act of kindness. However routinely getting up to wake him or help him is absolutely a no from me. It's his job and his loss if he loses it. He needs to learn. It's hard, I struggle in the morning and I sympathise with him but that's beside the point. Adult life is hard and he is an adult. He has to find a way to make it work for him. Your sister has had 20 years of waking when she wants and knows nothing of parental responsibility so you can ignore her idiotic advice.

Absolutely pathetic to think a man should need his mummy to get up early just to wake him up for his big boy job. No wonder we have so many women on here complaining about their man-child husbands and their enabling mothers that think she's unreasonable for expecting him to act like an actual grown up.

He's a man, he can drive, drink, vote, get married, have a child, join the army or police, he's responsible enough to be given a gun but not to wake up in a morning? Ridiculous.

I’m not sure if you’re being sarcastic or that you’ve just levelled-up and would actually cook breakfast too?

we have all been there, getting up early for work. His body clock will adjust

i would set two alarms. I wouldn’t rely on someone else to wake me

at 20, he needs to take responsibility

She's being ridiculous. Why does he need a person to wake him up? He can set 1, 2, 3 alarms if needed. Nobody has ever had to wake me up for anything, and I was working at the age of 16!