AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

[itsmeitsyou]

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

For how long?

Or will it just become someone else's responsibility to do that one day?

My daughter is 20 and she gets herself up and organises herself for work. She'd be really pissed off at the implication she still needed mummy for things like that, tbh.

How much sleep does he need each night? Appreciate it's hard getting up in the dark (a Lumie light might help as a PP has suggested) but him making sure he goes to bed at a decent time might also help.

Sorry I think sister is wrong - I’d obviously given my DC a nudge if I am up, but given they have all sorts of alarm tech on their phones and devices to wake them AND he is going to have to muddle along at work itself (unless sister also thinks you should go to work with him and hold his hand) there is no reason to get involved. If he oversleeps and loses his job, lesson learned. I would give him a strong talking to, though, to make sure he understands that he could lose his job if doesn’t get up and that you aren’t a secondary alarm system.

That said, my DS has just started uni and I also feared he would oversleep, stay up too late as he has basically done that all summer, not responding to phone alarms etc. I even bought him a battery operated alarm clock to use to supplement the phone. A week in and he hasn’t missed a session yet or been late. When it’s important, they should - and do - step up. Trust yourself that you’ve raised them well and they understand what’s expected of them.

So, if the OP can get up and manage all this, why can't he?

(Although, with the ironed clothes comment, I suspect youre not actually being serious!)

Yes but I was 21 when I started my professional role.

Exactly. They manage just fine when they know they have to.

I would make this suggestion only she has a one bed flat so no chance of that.
It was a general conversation about how the kids and she called me selfish for not wanting to get up to get him up on my days off.

She has always been very vocal about how I parent - which annoys me as she is childless

And what time is he going to bed? If he is keeping to normal 20 year old bed times, and also staying online or playing online games late in the evening then he needs to realise that re setting his body clock starts at bedtime, not just at waking up time.

Since your sister is so concerned, suggest SHE get up at 4:30 and ring him. Alternatively, maybe he can move in with her so she can rouse herself every morning to tend to him.

There's no greater expert than the one who has zero experience 😉

Seriously, OP. You're not being selfish.

My husband isn't a 'morning person' but he still managed to get up (two alarm clocks) at 4.00.am to drive for an hour to the depot, to take a train out 'empty stock' ready to start from another station at 6.00.am (He worked on the railways)
At weekends he was in bed until noon Sat & Sun which was fair enough.
His motivation was that he had 2 elderly parents to support.

I'm not.
I gave him a knock this morning as I was up at my normal work time.
I don't feel I should even be doing this he was capable for school. I is like he is choosing to regress where getting up is concerned.

His body clock will naturally reset after a couple of weeks and he will be waking up for work on time

I don't know for how long. I am working myself, so probably would not have lasted that long. But my initial instinct is to get up and offer a cup of tea, pack a sandwich for him.

Can he fund a car, so he wouldn't need to get up so early?

This is my thinking.
I personally feel he hasn't thought it through. He was do exited to be invited for a trial shift then securing the job. He has been trying so hard and I respect that.
If it was a 9am start it would be fine as even if he didn't wake to his alarm he would be woken by general house noise

@itsmeitsyou As a few have said: it’s great he’s got this job and i would want to help him in the early phase so that he keeps it so i would be helping him get up for it at least to start with while he gets used to the new routine. You don’t need to get up at 4.30 to wake him at 5 though, surely. Surely it’s just a case of popping on a dressing gown at 5 am and knocking on his door.

Not the point of the thread but he’s doing a 3hr daily commute for a NMW job in a factory?? Bleak.

Once you have a job it will be easier to find another. It’s all good experience. Maybe encourage him to save hard for driving lessons/car. Will make it easier going forward

He’s your son. Why not just help him for a bit ? You can go back to bed and presumably once he’s used to it he’ll do it independently. Maybe even it’ll lead to a job with more sociable hours ……

I struggle to wake up and have three alarms, one is Alarmy which I used to set to make me scan a bar code in the bathroom. The vibration on my watch only wakes me up till I've switched it off.

Ask him how he plans to wake up. If you know it won't work because it hasn't in the past suggest that there is this thing called Google.

I'd help him until his body clock resets. I did similar for DS1 at around the same age. 20 is still young- don't they say brains not fully wired till mid 20s- and anyway, it's in all your interests that he keeps and does well at this new job.

Can he not drive so he doesn't have to get up so early?

Essentially he needs to learn to drive. He probably can't afford that at the moment and maybe not for a long time on the wages he has. Nevertheless that should be his aim. If you haven't I think you need to discuss this with him OP and enforce that doing this is his priority. Birthday and Christmas money should go towards this.

Derail! I used to drive DH to the train station on a Monday, used to leave at 4:30! Fortunately only for a short while

Tricky

yes any normal person should be able to get up with an alarm

think of the 4wedding and a funeral scene with many alarms clocks

why do you need to be up 430 to wake him at 5

i would maybe knock at 505 for a week but he needs to sort this out or be out of a job

he’s 20. Not 2 so quite capable of getting up if he needs to