AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

[DivorcingDebbie25]

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

I’m in my 50’s and I know plenty! Plenty men want a maid that’s available to do everything for them, making those women sacrifice careers and earning potential for “the family” then 40 years later while the men have developed their careers and decide they no longer want the wife or the wife no longer wants them it puts the wife in a very financially dependant position. For everyone calling this woman greedy etc your opinion holds no weight in the law. She is entitled to 50% of everything unless there’s extenuating circumstances- the husband has benefited from her unpaid labour for over 40 years. She is entitled to what the law says not what the internet says

I think the poster means it's not paid employment?

This particular couple would be able to afford a nanny by the sounds of it, it wouldnt affect their working hours one jot. And Im not really talking about nursery or very early school years but there isnt an excuse for not working from when the kids are in the middle of primary.

Ignore anyone calling you greedy etc. Divorce law is very well established - your caring/shousekeeping responsibilities throughout the whole marriage - which is very long - are considered equal in the eyes of the law as his earning contribution.
The split will start at 50-50 but if he's still earning, may mean you get more than 50% because you are not earning. You can argue that it is unrealistic for you to get a job now, after so long away from the workplace, and in this job market.
How you carve up the assets is largely by negotiation, or if that fails, a Judge can decide. A Judge will look at you both having equality in retirement, and you both having somewhere to live. He is right that your pensions will be combined, and then split - but you can use the pot value as an offset value too. Eg. some people will offset part of the pension value to get more of the house equity value, in order to stay in the marital home or buy a new place outright.
You need to think about what you will ask for: thinking about where you'd like to live, how you will pay for it, your income now and into retirement age.
Seek legal advice.

Getting a job at the age of 60 will be difficult.

I really don't agree with trying to grab at inheritances either. Really gives me the vom.
However what if he's been working and away for the last 20 years and meanwhile she's been home and running around like a servant to her in-laws? What then? Not saying that makes it right either but I think there can be grey areas sometimes which make people feel they earned something.. maybe.

This is the best advice on this thread. If your husband is a high earner and self-employed it seems very likely that there are also savings and investments. You should get a solicitor and get familiar with the total overall marital assets asap.

Ignore the people judging your life choices and focus on moving forward.

Also, if you own a family house in London, I'd be very surprised if it was only worth 800,000. Have you had an estimate from an estate agent?

It will, but not as difficult as reduced circumstances.

She can get a job coach who will support her to use her transferrable skills, shes done a lot of voluntary work over the years, to make a good CV, get some work experience and do some shop work, day care, cleaning, caring, driving work. Sounds like her self esteem would be supported by that anyway.

You don't know what they would have been able to afford 40 years ago!

That might be the equity in it

Although my parents house is about the same price, south London

'Some people only know their very narrow view of the world and don't realise there are alternate lifestyles. '

I don't think it's 'very narrow' to think it's more unusual for someone to have not done paid work for their whole lives, including the 30 years since their kids grew up. SAHMs aren't unusual, I don't think that's what people are commenting on.

Otoh, it seems understandable to me : OP's husband was happy to support her until he wasn't, why shouldn't she have led the lifestyle she did?

I think it's mean & unhelpful to chide OP for her choices when she's clearly in an awful marriage ans needs support for these issues.

She could have worked from when they were 4 and now the greedy mare is after her soon to be ex husbands pension pot that he clearly worked hard for over the 40 years lol… I swear I feel this page is just rage bait sometimes like what the hell.

Pensions are taxable. You pay income tax on your income from pensions.
there is a 25 percent tax free amount but he may or you may both already have accessed it to pay off the mortgage or give to kids, it sounds like you have no idea if this has happened.
the rest is taxed at income and you can’t just take it out of the fund.
taking too much out in one year it will get taxed to the old like 40 percrnt of it will go to the tax man.
tour DH is being sensible and it sounds like protecting you from becoming destitute due to your lack of any financial knowledge, he is proposing an income from it.
howbon earth do you think if you divorce you will pay your living expenses and bills, as he will not be paying them after divorce. So you need an income.
will the pension pay you enough cover your expenses and lifestyle?
tour Dh has his job, and after you divorce will not have to give you any more money, maybe spousal maintenance if you’re lucky but certainly not to the tune of what you are used to.

Who says she has been running round like a servant? What’s to say she hasn’t been lunching and having spa days every day? No point making up scenarios. The point is he is not suggesting she doesn’t get 50% and he’s paying for her rent and lifestyle on top whilst it goes through. Nothing she has said sounds like he has been unreasonable at all. The Op trying to work out if she says he had an affair with no knowledge of one…could that get her more money? Can she have his future earnings and inheritance? I’m sorry but it’s shocking that anyone is saying she isn’t being unreasonable is pretty gross.

Please ignore the posters who are calling you greedy etc @DivorcingDebbie25 . They do not understand the legal contract of marriage and are just being unpleasant and judgemental. They are suggesting you forego your legal rights to satisfy their moralising. Marriage is a legal contract. Please do not be deterred from taking what's yours. Assuming your H is not an idiot, this is the contract he signed.

This post should absolutely serve as a lesson to all women who don’t work.

Op you need to take proper advice, my dad divorced my mum after 30 plus years of marriage, my mum had just retired by this point, he was still working (10 years younger than her) and she got half his pensions plus spousal maint to be paid till he retired.

Greedy mare?

I hope you don't pat yourself on the back for your track record in being supportive of other women with different lives who have made different choices?

And how do you know how hard he worked? Just give the benefit of the doubt to the man, right?

Not one person has said this at all, she is entitled to 50%, no one has said she isnt or shouldnt be. What she is asking for is the cash upfront and doesnt seem to realise any implications to that or that it doesnt work like that (although as another poster says, perhaps he can give some cash out but that would be foolish in my view)

She is the one who wants the divorce, not him so she needs to learn how it works and be reasonable and think about how she will support herself, herself.

I said, "what if". All I'm saying is there can be a lot of grey areas. Without knowing whether she has been a lunching lady or a family skivvy, there's a lot of going in hard on someone just trying to figure out where they stand.

This is my world too. Although the families aren’t that rich and it is for different reasons. I’m 60 and dont do paid work, so that I support husbands career ( two weeks a month away for work). He works, I do everything else. It’s far from an easy life. Many women work part time or give up if affordable because we are supporting our husbands work, our children’s families and childcare and often elderly parents and in-laws. The OP does seem to have lived as a traditional wife, but I think the bile expressed at her not working is unreasonable. We all make our own family choices. When did everyone going to work become a moral duty?

And all I’m saying is I based my comments on the information given by the Op. I’m quite sure had the Op been a servant for years she would have mentioned that. She was happy to mention a mythical affair he may or not have had, that she would go looking for evidence for if someone told her she’d get more cash. I have a lot of sympathy for women who find themselves in awful financial situations even through naivety. But this Op is grabby.

There are multiple ways to split the value of a pension. He can buy you out, it can be split into two pensions, or you can share the payouts when the time comes. There may be others as well. Every option has pros and cons.

when I divorced, I originally wanted to split my pension with my XH. It turns out that was expensive and difficult. Thankfully I had the cash to just buy him out instead. It left me temporarily cash poor, but I was at a phase in life where that wasn’t a problem.

You need to meet with your solicitor to work out the division. Your claim on half the pension is valid. It’s the details of the split that are complicated. It’s not the same as splitting a cash amount or even the house.

Pay no attention to those people calling you names. They’d do the same to me. I’m also a housewife. It’s what we decided was best for our family and it’s really nobody else’s business and you don’t need to explain or justify it. By law, depending on where in the world you are, you are legally entitled to half as a starting point.

For him to give you half of the value in cash he would have to liquidate the pension, pay a fortune in tax, and then you get half of that significantly reduced sum.

Half of the income and half of the house is a fair split. But just get a solicitor to sort it for you.