AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

[DivorcingDebbie25]

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

And I’m in my mid seventies and I don’t know anyone of my generation who did not work. Including one or two who had teenage pregnancies. My mother had to give up work when she got married in the late 1940s -that was actually the rule in her line of work. But even she decided to get a job once I was a teenager, and she created a good second career for herself at the age of 50.

30 years ago was 1996.

OP was born around 1965ish. Was 20 years of age around mid 80s. Women worked in the 80s. Really not sure what the OP has actually done in the last 40 years.

The difference is that if OP worked FT he would have had to shoulder 50% of the domestic work, childcare and sick days rather than none.

It wouldn't actually matter if OP had sat around at home all day drinking cocktails. With a marriage this long and children, it will be 50/50.

I know my own husband having a high flying career has impacted my ability to do the same significantly. He couldn't have done the travel and the hours and attend all the same things he did that resulted in his promotions and being so renowned if he'd had to care for the children himself. I once asked him, what if I'd wanted to do the same as you? He said, "We'd have worked something out." Easy to say when you haven't actually had to work something out. I also know the times I have tried to ask him for minimal so I could do something that would help me with work he's not been willing. He also has an anxiety disorder so not being able to be 100% at work, and having to give 99% so I could have the 1% for my career, caused all sorts of issues for him, and then for the family. It's not always simple.

Excellent nickname for this man!

OP - I have no idea why people are giving you such a hard time. Despicable behaviour. You just came on here for some information!

As for working, the only thing I would say is that you may be surprised that earning a bit of money, that is yours to spend as you like, can, counterintuitively perhaps, give you a sense of freedom and an ability to take control of your life. It's worth a go - maybe something part time to dip a toe in....

im getting divorced and I accepted half the house and enough income to have a pretty decent lifestyle. To be honest I didn’t work as hard as my husband although I did all the domestic work and childcare for years. But I would never have earned as much as my husband even if I’d worked all my life so I think it’s fair that he gets more than half of our joint assets.

What do you think would be a reasonable lifestyle for you and would enable you to cover your expenses, have a car and a modest holiday annually and have hobbies and nights out. You also need an emergency fund in case your new home needs a new roof etc.

Personally in your case I don’t think half is necessarily fair. But you do deserve your own home and a decent but not lavish lifestyle. Maybe you could have more than half of the house money, enougn to get a two bedroom flat for example and then a portion of his pension which would enable you to have a comfortable lifestyle. Any more and you might need to work. I do now and plan to continue to do so even though I’m in my mid 60s. I also worked for the first twenty years after University so have a smallish pension. Don’t forget you will probably also be entitled to a state pension if you have paid your stamp.

I think what you need is a good Solicitor. 40 years? yeah, 50/50,

What are you quoting me for? She is entitled to go for 50/50. She’s not happy with that and trying to fleece him for future earnings and future inheritance he may receive.
if she hasn’t ever worked and ‘needs more’ than the 50% being offered. Then yeah, she needs a job! Maybe read?

No i am in my early 60s and it was very common for women not to return to work after DC. I live south east, professional background. Women might eventually have returned to work but only in jobs that supported childcare and the daily running of the household. Eg I knew many who cleaned. Many women now 15 years on who still do part time, poorly paid jobs. I dont comment, but just hope their divorce if it happens is less acrimonious than mine,where i had contributed substantial assets.

She's trying to look after her interests. No fleecing involved.
40 years? Maybe think?

About 12 years ago, my stepdaughter's partner's ex tried to claim half the house that my stepdaughter had paid for plus the partner's pension after he died suddenly. He was already claiming his pension before he died. [ETA the ex's claim was put in some time after the death, I'm assuming because probate was complicated.]

ISTR that they'd been divorced about 15yrs at the point of the partner's death. The ex-wife had never worked and their joint children would have been in their early 30s then.

I don't understand how it was all worked out. I believe that the partner had been paying his ex some form of maintenance. I don't know the precise timeline, but presume that he must have paid child maintenance for a brief period - his children would have been in their late teens when he left the marriage.

There was no will and the ex took the matter to court. She was told that she had no claim to the house since my stepdaughter could prove that she'd paid for it all. She was also told that she had no claim to her ex-husband's pension - the court decided that his only dependant was the primary school aged child that he had with my stepdaughter and the pension went to the child. (I'm not sure whether it continued until they finished university.)

I don't know what had been decided with regard to the marital home, but recall being told that the stepdaughter and her partner had always just handed over whatever the ex asked for, possibly out of guilt.

I gather that the court decided that the ex should have been working for a living once her children were adults. She had done some voluntary work, but I don't know for how long.

I think that the partner was to blame for the divorce, but that didn't seem to count in court.

The OP really needs to speak to a solicitor about her options.

Oh I think we got that she is looking after HER interests. Asking if she’d get more cash if he had an affair. Having zero proof of him ever having an affair. Trying to make him pay her for inheritance he may receive from his relatives that are still alive. Wants HIM to keep working so she can claim from his future earnings. You’re defending that? Do you. But there is no need to tell everyone she is looking out for HERSELF. It was crystal clear what she was doing!

Get legal advice. It does t really matter what people on here think, it’s between you and your husband and then the law.

Get a lawyer. You may be entitled to more than half the pension.

You are not required to justify your life choices to anyone. People make different decisions and that’s fine and doesnt warrant the sea of judgement you’re being subjected to.

Legally, the court will view this as a long marriage and seek to split the marital assets evenly to ensure that you have equivalent lifestyles going forward, including in retirement. Since you’re suggesting a large retirement fund, it’s likely that your divorce solicitor will advise on an actuary’s report that will take both pensions into account and suggest a couple of options thst would achieve the goal of equivalent lifestyles. Divorce solicitors favour clean breaks so the most likely outcome is that you’ll set up your own personal pension and your share of his pension will be transferred into this. Since you are over 55, you will be able to take a lump sum from this amount. This lump sum may give you the additional money you need to buy a property etc. But a financial advisor would be a good idea once you’ve at that stage so they can guide you on investments and ensure that your pot is adequate for you to retire comfortably straightaway.

i’d suggest that you minimise “friendly” conversations with your husband around the financials as they will, most Likely, be misleading. Better to see a solicitor and start the Eform process (financial disclosure) as divorce can take a long time.

I know a great deal of women in this age group who have not worked for years due to the nature of their jobs - long hours, overseas trips. You don't amass a massive pension doing a 9- 5 job with no extras.