AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

[DivorcingDebbie25]

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

Of course people judge her for being a housewife. That isn't a job!

He says half the house and then you combine the value of the pensions and you get the equivalent of half the income from it. That sounds very reasonable, and a solicitor will probably have the same opinion. Taking half of his pension now also doesn't make good financial sense. Combining pensions and splitting 50/50 is the way to go.

Erm no, it was only 30 years ago, so you're looking at the 1990s it was expected for women to work,not stay at home and be a housewife, it wasn't the 1940s for gods sake...crikey moses

Having gone through a divorce this is true. My exh wirked ft I worked pt but did all childcare, housework, paid for holidays/birthday and Christmas gifts. I worked full time until ly second child then pt. When both children left home I decided that I had put up with too many years of abuse and despite not knowing what, if anything, I would get I got a solicitor (a good one as it happens). In the end I got a larger portion of the house when sold and 47% of his pension which was transferred as a pension to me. I worked after secretive as he said he needed help with the bills. When the figures went through of our individual and joint finances it was found he had been hiding money for years!! All the years I had cooked, cleaned, done laundry, childcare etc counted and I was also able to retire. It was hard and tookbw years of us livingbundervthe same roof but I have been so happy since. Hoidvluck and don't let people say you are greedy, your work keeping the family home and children sorted visits "work"!

I agree with you. The arrangement was normal and what was expected at the time, not denying that some others may have had different arrangements, but my MIL certainly put me under massive pressure not to have a job and it could be made very difficult for women with children. I did carry on working but other women were outspoken in their disapproval.
The name calling here is unpleasant and ignorant. This is what you get on MN unfortunately. "Keyboard warriors', who aren't as brave in real life, I'm sure. Try to rise above it.

Im talking about his pension, it wouldnt be a cash amount from his pension

We must be the working class sector of MN, my Mum, Granny and Great Granny (born late 1800's) all worked. No ladies that lunch for us 😆.

Perhaps he would not have been able to work as many hours.

This is one of the reasons why many women around your age end up homeless or living in their cars.

I disagree. Not after having children. If you are talking from experience, maybe you lived somewhere different from me.

Then you will have to cut your cloth accordingly. You are being greedy.

Why, have you never heard of child care?

What do you think 2 working parents do?

No but he can give cash from savings or more house equity to offset it.

If he inherits anything after the divorce, I doubt you have any claim to it. Or, even while you’re married as it willed only to him.

Maybe for you but it wasn't the norm where I was from

I think that may be the explanation. I guess I'm middle class. I did have a job myself but knew next to no-one who also had a job. I do mean middle, middle class here, not well off in particular.

Yes possibly, although financially foolish to cash in now, she would be better off waiting until the pension can build up as much as it can when she is at state retirement age, work until then, she wont have housing costs as she's going to have about 400k to buy somewhere. Perhaps get a lodger too.

Unpleasant. You have no right to judge in this way.

Absolute rubbish, you are projecting. This was an agreement within a relationship that you were not party too…it is OP who has decided it isn’t right for her..making your judgement even more spurious

He’s not leaving her high and dry! She’s trying to see if she can take 50% of future earnings and future inheritance. And people are saying yanbu. Seriously?

Others are saying she is acting entitled and grabby because she is. It’s not spiteful, envy, bitter to state the obvious. That’s awful behaviour. Take your 50% but he doesn’t owe you for the rest of his life.

Nothing financial to add, but just wanted to say, sorry your marriage has come to an end in your sixties after years of waiting for the retirement and together-years you had envisaged and waited for. That's very tough and I'm sure very scary if you've been provided for in for all this time. I wouldn't be surprised if you've also put up with a lot and gone without an equal voice too.

Similar happened to my mum (without any significant wealth to divvy up) but at age 62, she moved away, became queen of her own home, took on various jobs to earn for herself plus voluntary work to meet people and she really came into an independent happy era. It took years for her to come to terms with not having the life she had imagined as a couple (she was resolutely done with men), but for the next 20 years she really lived fully on her own terms. I hope you get to move on and moreover empower yourself more in your next chapter.

(For what it's worth I wouldn't say you are greedy. Greedy would be staying in a loveless relationship and taking what you can from within it. You are clearly prioritising companionship and bravely taking a leap into the unknown. Ignore comments from the pound sign eyeballs!)

It doesn’t make sense that you never worked and your kids were in private school and the only assets are his pension and the house. How is he funding his exciting hobbies? He must have some savings.
honestly it all seems a bit daft, if there really isn’t that much in the pot, can’t you just try to make it work? You could see a relationship counsellor to try to work out a decent way forward?
if not then you’re going to need to do a bit more research in to his other assets. If he hasn’t had enough to save all these years, then it’s ridiculous you didn’t work, but I appreciate you’re both responsible for that decision.
also YABU about the pension.

It is of course a job …why would you say it wasn’t?

I was a working parent. The pick up and drop off from nursery and school certainly had an impact on the number of hours I could work and consequently my career. The men I worked with who had wives doing all the childcare and mental load had much easier lives.

That's true. However, some did return to work in some way after kids grow up.

OP was doing something that was more common in past times, though, and I think a lot of posts are being too harsh.

OP, AIBU can be brutal. Maybe another forum like the Divorce forum, or the money forum? Chat might be gentler too.