AIBU to think my cousin cannot claim exclusive use of a name?

[Jhun11]

To give context, I had my daughter a year ago and chose a French inspired name that matched with my first daughters. We actually had the name on the short list for my first daughter too who is 3. It’s in the top 100 UK names at just under 50 and is climbing!

My male cousin, who is 10+ years older than me and his wife are FURIOUS that our second daughters name is the same as their youngest! she is around 7 years old.

I’m sure at the time they chose the name it was quite uncommon. It’s really not now! As mentioned it’s in the top UK names at just under 50 and is increasing in popularity.

We live in opposite ends of the UK. Literally different countries. In the last decade we’ve seen my cousin and his wife maybe 4/5 times at family weddings/grandparents big birthday. We have met their children twice. We don’t talk/ even have each other on social media.

They have ripped us apart to our grandparents. We have been called self absorbed, disgusting and selfish. This was all happening whilst my daughter was in hospital for 2 weeks as a newborn. We have been accused of ‘replacing’ their daughter in the family by using her name. They will apparently never speak to us again or come to another family event! We’ve been hearing this for over a year and it’s continuing. The latest is I have personally destroyed the family for using their name and should have asked their permission before doing so. None of this has been said directly to us but exhausted grandparents keep us in the loop.

I can honestly say when choosing our name the fact they had the same one did not even enter my head as something that should be considered/ could be an issue. We never even had a conversation as a family/with my parents or siblings etc whether it could be a reason not to use it. It was something me and my husband chose after trawling the internet and going through our narrowed down lists from my first daughter. It’s a gorgeous name that matches my firsts perfectly and was one of the few we agreed on. I don’t know if my mind set is just entirely different to others but I can genuinely say that someone else using the same name as one of my children whether they be family or friends would NOT bother me at all. They are gorgeous names and I don’t think you can claim exclusivity over a name. Just to confirm it is not something made up or really unusual.

I would understand the issue more if they lived close by/ they would be in the same school/ same age/ same friends/ same surname/ we were close friends - but none of the above are true.

& to add the very best part to the story… their first daughter has an extremely common name. Top 3 for the last ten years. Our other cousin has used the exact same name (though spelt differently by one letter) and there has been no issue with that at all!!

I honestly think the whole situation is bizarre. Suppose I just want to gauge how many people it would actually bother?

Ah, fuck ‘em- they’re bonkers!!

Why do you think they haven’t been bothered about another cousin doing this, but are so livid with you? Is there more to it?

Aside from this though, just sack them off. You’ve seen them 4 times in a decade, they sound so irrelevant to your life anyway! And presumably the other family members they’re slagging you off to will also think they’re nuts!

They're not bothering to tell any of this to you directly so let them crack on. If they grandparents haven't got it in them to tell them to grow the fuck up, then that's on them.

I do think choosing the same name is a bit odd, I appreciate others might not.

I wouldn’t lose my mind over it, as your cousin has though. Certainly wouldn’t attempt to cause a family row over it.

Honestly just ignore - this is crazy. Sounds like they are getting more and more wound up about it. Maybe they expected you to apologise once they knew you were aware they were so angry. Definitely don’t!

I have two cousins with my name, plus a second cousin. It’s never bothered anyone as we’re just cousins and only see each other once every few years for a wedding, etc. They can’t claim possession of a name, though I do see that they might feel annoyed that a name they thought is unique has been taken, but it doesn’t sound like it is unique.

Totally mental - myself and two cousins all have children with the same first name, all live in different areas and have different surnames. Would not have even entered my head what cousins who live far away call their kids.

This really. Someone should tell them they are batshit, but as they haven’t had the balls to mention it to you, I’d ignore the batshittery and crack on with life. There really is nowt as queer as folk as my mum used to say, lol.

They sound a bit mad to be so vocally cross for so long. Even if it was unusual, they can't have exclusive use of it. I would ask relatives to stop mentioning it to you so you can forget about it.

Two of my cousins (they are cousins too) have kids with the same name. When the second one told us the name they picked, the first one said "Good choice, make sure you spell it the proper way! Big Jimmy will be getting little Jimmy in all sorts of trouble one day."

(the name is not Jimmy)

Whoever is passing on what they're saying has not got your best interests at heart so I'd reduce contact with them or tell them you don't want to hear it.

I think the choice of name is a bit weird from your side but ignore them. Their behaviour is unhinged.

Why on earth are your grandparents telling you all this if you don’t even see your cousin?

I think choosing the same name is a cunty thing to do and how basic that you can’t even think of a different name to your cousins baby.

Like you said, if you were very close and saw each other all the time then I think it would have been odd. I’m not a fan of repeating names in family contexts.
in this context though they are essentially acquaintances you see rarely I can’t imagine why they care so much unless it was a very obscure and distinctive name.

Take them back through your family tree where a good name was worked hard again and again and again.

Why don’t you ask the grandparents to not keep you in the loop? That would pretty much solve the non issue. The only reason you know how your cousin feels is through them! You never see them so it doesn’t matter? Tell the gps to stop blabbing and shit stirring.

I don’t think it matters that people come on saying “we have 10 family members with the same name” or whatever. It’s not uncommon that some families name their sons after their fathers but most of us wouldn’t. Some people care more about names than others or have different ideas about good or bad names. And that’s fine.

I think given all the names in the world it’s a bit naff having the same name as an existing family member. Clearly they do too. Nothing you can do about it though. Just let them be cross.

They sound unhinged, OP ... ignore!

My son has the same name as a cousins son.
My sons dad picked his name and it was the only one we agreed on. I do not really have anything to do with my cousin, we live in different countrys and our grandparents in common have died.
That said, if my cousin and i were close, saw one another and lived in close proximity i wouldnt of used the name.

When we were researching our family tree we found out that my Granny, who was one of 15 children, had two sisters with the same first name! Half her siblings were the children of her father and his first wife, and the others shared both parents to her. The sisters were from different mothers. Her father’s wives had the same first names too, with different spellings!

Having the same name as a second cousin can't be that uncommon.

I do think it is a bit different for first cousins - I wouldn't dream of using a name of my sister's child. But these children will only share great grandparents and frankly, will probably never meet after the generation below that pass away.

I'll be honest, I have a large-ish family and I couldn't even tell you what my cousins all called their children.

I think it's a bit odd you'd choose a name your cousin's child already has. Even seeing them a few times a year they're not someone you never see! I can understand they're annoyed tbh.

I probably wouldn't name a child after a cousin. My grandmothers family did so all my aunties have the same names as my GMs sisters children, no one knew who anyone was talking about in the wider family.

Very strange behaviour, and your grandparents need to start telling them to get over themselves and stop passing on their views to you. Using the same or similar names for cousins is really common and kids often like it.

Back in the day it was normal to send birth announcements, as I went through my address book writing the birth announcements I realised my second born was the fourth with that name in the family, until then I hadn’t given any thought to who already had the same name. There’s been another since 😀

What I do find disconcerting is that no one in my extended family has ever used the same name as my first born for their child.