AIBU to think my cousin cannot claim exclusive use of a name?

[Jhun11]

To give context, I had my daughter a year ago and chose a French inspired name that matched with my first daughters. We actually had the name on the short list for my first daughter too who is 3. It’s in the top 100 UK names at just under 50 and is climbing!

My male cousin, who is 10+ years older than me and his wife are FURIOUS that our second daughters name is the same as their youngest! she is around 7 years old.

I’m sure at the time they chose the name it was quite uncommon. It’s really not now! As mentioned it’s in the top UK names at just under 50 and is increasing in popularity.

We live in opposite ends of the UK. Literally different countries. In the last decade we’ve seen my cousin and his wife maybe 4/5 times at family weddings/grandparents big birthday. We have met their children twice. We don’t talk/ even have each other on social media.

They have ripped us apart to our grandparents. We have been called self absorbed, disgusting and selfish. This was all happening whilst my daughter was in hospital for 2 weeks as a newborn. We have been accused of ‘replacing’ their daughter in the family by using her name. They will apparently never speak to us again or come to another family event! We’ve been hearing this for over a year and it’s continuing. The latest is I have personally destroyed the family for using their name and should have asked their permission before doing so. None of this has been said directly to us but exhausted grandparents keep us in the loop.

I can honestly say when choosing our name the fact they had the same one did not even enter my head as something that should be considered/ could be an issue. We never even had a conversation as a family/with my parents or siblings etc whether it could be a reason not to use it. It was something me and my husband chose after trawling the internet and going through our narrowed down lists from my first daughter. It’s a gorgeous name that matches my firsts perfectly and was one of the few we agreed on. I don’t know if my mind set is just entirely different to others but I can genuinely say that someone else using the same name as one of my children whether they be family or friends would NOT bother me at all. They are gorgeous names and I don’t think you can claim exclusivity over a name. Just to confirm it is not something made up or really unusual.

I would understand the issue more if they lived close by/ they would be in the same school/ same age/ same friends/ same surname/ we were close friends - but none of the above are true.

& to add the very best part to the story… their first daughter has an extremely common name. Top 3 for the last ten years. Our other cousin has used the exact same name (though spelt differently by one letter) and there has been no issue with that at all!!

I honestly think the whole situation is bizarre. Suppose I just want to gauge how many people it would actually bother?

I personally think choosing the same name is odd, my cousin chose the name I liked 5 months before my dd was born, never occurred to me to use it.

Let them be furious. They are idiots.

The grandparents need to stop passing on all this nasty nonsense. Tell them you really don’t care and absolutely don’t want to hear another word about it.

My niece has the same name as my granddaughter. I can honestly say this isn't bothering any of us. Your cousin is bonkers and if I were in the position of your grandparents I'd tell them to shut up and get over themselves.

"They will apparently never speak to us again or come to another family event!"
That sounds like a positive outcome to me?

"We’ve been hearing this for over a year and it’s continuing."
Who are you hearing this from? Ask them to stop telling you what your deranged cousin is saying, you're not interested. They're stirring.

We deliberately chose a name for our son, which hadn't been used by another family member. Not because I didn't want to upset anyone, but simply because I didn't want my child named the same as someone else in mine or my husband's family.

My son has two middle names. My BIL and SIL decided to name their son, my son's second middle name. I think they forgot he had two middle names, and we're a bit miffed!!

Your cousin and his wife are being batshit to be honest. OK, so they'd have rather you'd picked a different name. You didn't, so they can whine all they like, but it's not going to change anything! You need to tell your grandparents that you don't want to hear about the subject again. Your grandparents also need to shut the conversation down when your cousin and/or his wife bring up the subject.

Absolutely. In my family tree you can either be Donald or Mary. My father had three male cousins - all called Donald.

I have a cousin with the same name as my son. It didn't even occur to me that there would be a problem using the same name. There hasn't been. One of my other cousins has the same name as his (and my) uncle.

My DH did stop me calling my son the same name as his nephew though because he said it would be confusing. In hindsight we should have used it as a second name but it's water under the bridge now.

If they wanted to be a bit privately peeved about it that would be one thing, but to be be ranting and raving about it for over a year and swearing never to interact with you again? Well I can't help but feel sorry for their kids growing up with such loony parents.

What is the objective of your cousin in incessantly complaining about it now, and why are your grandparents telling you about the complaints? Are they asking you to do something? It seems unlikely that you're going to change the name now based on disapproval from someone who won't even speak with you directly about it. If it's causing trouble for the grandparents themselves having two great-grandchildren with the same name, perhaps help them come up with a diminutive or pet name or special way for them to refer to your daughter. And once the issue is resolved, ask them to stop passing on your cousin's aimless complaints.

It sounds like they left 'annoyed' behind many months ago and have now moved on to the 'brain meltingly bonkers with rage' point.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid if it was a family name passed down. But i would have avoided the name if it's Elodie or something less common with no family history.
But then again the cousin is massively overreacting

Nonsense. These are relatives they hardly ever see, who live at the opposite end of the country and whose child is 7 years older than the OP's. Parents' choice of the names they want to give their children is entirely their own affair and no-one else's. There's no copyright on names. 🙄 When we had our two, we discussed the names we both liked and narrowed down our choice without it even crossing our minds to think about what anyone else had called their children. Why on earth would it?

My cousins live in the same village and are the same age as me, we see each other regularly, so calling our babies the same name might be more of an issue. But when you rarely see them and they live hundreds of miles away, who cares!

Tell whoever keeps telling you that the cousins are still upset that you aren’t interested and why do they keep telling you?

Not a year, a decade! In other words they hardly ever meet.

I wanted to call ds1 Hamish but there was already a Hamish in the wider family so I didn't. There are so many names to choose from.

Having said that, their reaction is way OTT. Bizarre really.

How ridiculous. In my family, there were a set of grandparents called Mary and Edward. They had 8 children, eldest boy called Edward, eldest girl Mary. No fewer than than 9 grandchildren are called either Mary or Edward. Nobody owns a name. My side of the family (not direct descendants of original pair, but of cousins) think they are all crazy because they ALL live within 20 miles of each other. Your situation is so different that I would give no more thought. Your relatives are nuts.

Weirdly I was in this situation, probably the same name. I don’t care. I take it as flattery. Also another family member almost used the name too, and I would have still called my child that name - because I liked it. So then I’d have been a right hypocrite if I had objected to someone else using it.

Crazy behaviour. My cousin named his daughter same as dd1. Our mums are sisters and talk about my Sally and your Sally. It couldn’t be less of a deal.

So does it mean that there is a set of great grandparents who have two great grandkids with the same name?

My daughter has the same name as yours I reckon. I almost didn't pick it because it has suddenly got popular, then I thought, any name can suddenly get popular and we just need to pick the name we love and whatever happens happens.

I'd be miffed if a sibling picked the same name, but mostly because of my in laws who compare the kids against each other and the comparisons of big versus little would be an absolute pain. Other than that (or the other side of the family) and it wouldn't be an issue. I'd be honoured they approved of my good taste!

Are you sure that they are the ones making the fuss? Why are the grandparents repeating it?

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all, but this would really bother me and I’d be secretly not happy at all. Maybe irrationally, but there you go. 😄
For me, names would automatically go on the “no” list, if another family member or friend had used it, but as I said, I don’t think you are wrong for doing so.

My sister called her Daughter the exact same name as our Cousins little girl and not one person In our family has even realised it's a non issue.
Ignore them.. smile and wave 🤣

the exhausted grandparents could have shut this down right at the start.

they certainly don’t need to pass on all this nonsense .