My bf had been on the piss since football yesterday and I didnt hear from him all night

[LunarViper]

I’ve got 3 kids with my bf, ds is 5, dd is 2 and youngest ds is 8 months. We live together, not married or anything. He works and I’m at home with the kids. Yesterday he went football with his mates at 12.30 and obvs I knew he’d be drinking because thats what they do when they go football.

He came home later on in the afternoon and he’d clearly had a fair bit already. I thought he’d just stay in then tbh but he went back out again later on. I was a bit annoyed because he’d already been out all day really but I didnt tell him he couldnt go or anything. He said he was just going out for a bit and I thought fine whatever, I had the kids anyway.

I last heard from him about 10pm. After that nothing. I messaged him a couple of times and rang once then again later but nothing. At first I wasnt that bothered, I thought he’s probably on the piss and cant hear his phone or something and I didnt want to be that girlfriend constantly asking where he was. But then it got later and later and I still hadnt heard anything.

I had the baby waking up and the other two were up and down as well and I kept checking my phone thinking surely he’ll have messaged by now. I was getting more annoyed every hour really. Its not even like I needed him home to help at that exact moment, I just thought when you’ve got 3 kids at home you would maybe let your partner know you’re ok. I started getting worried as well which made me even more pissed off.

He finally messaged after 12 today saying he was coming home. He got in and he was still absolutely pissed. Not just a bit hungover, proper drunk still and looking like he’d been on the piss all night. We had a little row because I was asking where he’d been and why he couldnt answer his phone and he was basically saying he was fine and I was making a thing of it.

Then he just went upstairs and went to bed. So now I’m downstairs with the 3 kids while he’s asleep it just feels like he’s had a whole night and morning off and I’ve been doing everything. The baby is 8 months so obvs its not exactly like I can just switch off and go to bed either.

I dunno if I’m being dramatic because he is allowed to go out and have a drink and I dont mind him going football at all. I dont even mind him having a big night with his mates really, although going back out after he’d already been drinking did piss me off a bit. But not hearing from him from 10pm until after 12 the next day seems different to me. Maybe I’m being unreasonable but surely you can send one text saying you’re ok?

Its just doing my head in because if I’d gone out at 12.30 yesterday and stayed out all night, then come home still pissed at lunchtime and gone straight to bed, he’d be absolutely raging. I know that doesnt mean I’m right but thats how I’m looking at it. I dont want a relationship where he cant have a night out, I just dont think having kids means you disappear for 14 hours and dont answer anything. Am I being unreasonable for being this annoyed or would you be pissed off too?

You have no idea whether it would be beneficial for OP to marry.

You have been to college but you don’t know how contraception works??
Three unplanned pregnancies?? 🤦‍♀️
How many more will there be by the time you are 30 I wonder?
The best thing you could do is get some reliable contraception for yourself.
At this point that would be the most positive thing you could do for yourself.
Then, get some education, get a job and get some money of your own.

Of course I don't. However, what I do know is that unless she is independently wealthy she could be left in a very difficult position if her relationship ends either because they split up or because he dies, because she will have no straightforward legal claim on his assets. Maybe he doesn't have any, in which case this is irrelevant, but at a minimum most people in work have some pension building up. Obviously he would be liable for child support but a great many men seem to be very good at avoiding that.

Do you work / have you returned to work after maternity leave ?

do you rent - if so whose name is on the tenancy ?
or is the house bought - if so whose names are on the mortgage ?

What would YOU do ? if he decides he wants the single life and asks you to leave with the children / he walked out leaving you and the children ?

that is why marriage is so important.

Actually, people in their 20s nowadays are far less likely to drink than previous generations. The OP's partner is out of step with others his age. That would worry me. https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/news/half-of-young-adults-are-now-choosing-no-low-alcohol-drinks

of course I know how contraception works 😂 I never said I didnt. with my 2nd the condom broke and I took the morning after pill and it obviously didnt work. with the baby I was actually taking the pill so its not like I was just sitting there doing nothing and hoping for the best.

I’m on contraception now thanks and I have got an education, I’ve already said that. I dont know why everyone keeps deciding I havent got any education or prospects just because I’m young and have kids.

honestly I dont know why I bothered posting this now, I asked about my bf being out all night and somehow its turned into everyone analysing my entire life and telling me to get an education and contraception 🙄

On mumsnet there are large numbers of posters who will make out you are a feckless teenage mum unless you are 40, married, have a 6 figure salary and own a mansion in London.

Your OH is being an arse. If this is an absolute one off, I'd give him hell and put it behind you.

If it's frequent, honestly I think he is going to drag you down and I would be having serious thoughts about the future of the relationship.

the thing is, OP, people are a bit concerned... they really want to tell you to LTB but you have three small children and no job and so far as we can tell no security whatsoever

(which is why so many people seem obsessed with marriage, because it really isn't just a piece of paper)

He’s a wanker

Ahem OP. You are not his “ girlfriend constantly asking where he is” because you are not 18. You are the mother of his three children and his whereabouts are your concern because he should be giving you support with your joint parenting , not giving you grief and anxiety.

He is not 18 either , he is the father of his three children, he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and start acting like an adult, a grownup, a responsible role model to his children, an equal partner in the relationship and a caring loving daddy. If he can’t see that his responsibilities now lie with his family, not with his drunken friends then there is something seriously wrong with his understanding of what being an adult is all about.

Maybe he does need to be treated like a teenager, he could move back in with his mummy for a start and be given a curfew,

LTB after one singular drunken night?

Does this 20 something father of three under 5, who goes out on the lash for the best part of 24 hours, sound like the type to have any security to offer? The only time marriage is of benefit is if the man has built assets. Otherwise it can be a liability. Given his age and lifestyle, I may be generalising, but I'm leaning towards this not being the case.
The OP could leave tomorrow and could well be better off on benefits plus CMS until her youngest is old enough for her to work, without him draining the household money down the pub. No need for the hassle of a divorce.
OP, call Citizens Advice in the morning and find out your rights to the home and to financial support. Then at least you'll know what life would look like if and when you realise you deserve more.

Putting the judgement to one side, do you feel you're in a position where you could end the relationship (if you wanted to) and be secure in terms of housing your kids, finances etc?

Because if not, I'd recommend aiming for that position, because I suspect one day you'll wake up and think why the fuck have I wasted so much time with this loser?

And that's not a dig at your age, it's something that can and does happen to women of all ages and walks of life, but so many end up trapped because they don't know how they'd cope, practically and financially, on their own.

You have four children.

Please reconsider your relationship with this man child.

Seriously, I had never heard of this label until I hit MN

Cock lodger

Im Irish, we love a drink, but we take care of our family first

Find out how you can dump this waste of oxygen

How on earth does he afford to drink all day and all night? I would advise dumping him on the spot if you didn't have 3 children with him.

Hope to God he DOESN'T propose. I'd get the hell out of this. You are young, you went to college, you have options. He sounds a nightmare. Jesus don't settle for this absolute loser.

Wait untill he has completly sobered up. Then ask all details you want to know.
You say hes not done this before so nip it in the bud now and let him know what you expect.