My bf had been on the piss since football yesterday and I didnt hear from him all night

[LunarViper]

I’ve got 3 kids with my bf, ds is 5, dd is 2 and youngest ds is 8 months. We live together, not married or anything. He works and I’m at home with the kids. Yesterday he went football with his mates at 12.30 and obvs I knew he’d be drinking because thats what they do when they go football.

He came home later on in the afternoon and he’d clearly had a fair bit already. I thought he’d just stay in then tbh but he went back out again later on. I was a bit annoyed because he’d already been out all day really but I didnt tell him he couldnt go or anything. He said he was just going out for a bit and I thought fine whatever, I had the kids anyway.

I last heard from him about 10pm. After that nothing. I messaged him a couple of times and rang once then again later but nothing. At first I wasnt that bothered, I thought he’s probably on the piss and cant hear his phone or something and I didnt want to be that girlfriend constantly asking where he was. But then it got later and later and I still hadnt heard anything.

I had the baby waking up and the other two were up and down as well and I kept checking my phone thinking surely he’ll have messaged by now. I was getting more annoyed every hour really. Its not even like I needed him home to help at that exact moment, I just thought when you’ve got 3 kids at home you would maybe let your partner know you’re ok. I started getting worried as well which made me even more pissed off.

He finally messaged after 12 today saying he was coming home. He got in and he was still absolutely pissed. Not just a bit hungover, proper drunk still and looking like he’d been on the piss all night. We had a little row because I was asking where he’d been and why he couldnt answer his phone and he was basically saying he was fine and I was making a thing of it.

Then he just went upstairs and went to bed. So now I’m downstairs with the 3 kids while he’s asleep it just feels like he’s had a whole night and morning off and I’ve been doing everything. The baby is 8 months so obvs its not exactly like I can just switch off and go to bed either.

I dunno if I’m being dramatic because he is allowed to go out and have a drink and I dont mind him going football at all. I dont even mind him having a big night with his mates really, although going back out after he’d already been drinking did piss me off a bit. But not hearing from him from 10pm until after 12 the next day seems different to me. Maybe I’m being unreasonable but surely you can send one text saying you’re ok?

Its just doing my head in because if I’d gone out at 12.30 yesterday and stayed out all night, then come home still pissed at lunchtime and gone straight to bed, he’d be absolutely raging. I know that doesnt mean I’m right but thats how I’m looking at it. I dont want a relationship where he cant have a night out, I just dont think having kids means you disappear for 14 hours and dont answer anything. Am I being unreasonable for being this annoyed or would you be pissed off too?

Stop being a doormat OP. You are trying so hard to keep the peace and not be seen as controlling or bossy, that you are practically horizontal bending over to please him. He is taking the absolute piss, disrespecting you and the family. I would be livid.

Find your anger @LunarViper you are both parents. He can’t rage at you for going out and expect you to say nothing when he basically decides he can just stop and bugger off overnight? Talk about double standards.

Of course it is ok to go out separately but in any kind of partnership/marriage you consider the other person and don’t make assumptions/take them for granted.

Frankly you’d probably find things easier if you dump him.

Otherwise he owes you a nice overnight spa
break where you switch your phone off and leave the lazy arsehole to it.

How would he react if, when he sobers up, you just remain calm and say “It’s my turn for a weekend off next week so just make sure your ready to look after the kids.’

No, you’re definitely not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t tolerate this sort of crap (not that my DH would even want to), but if I did, I would be furious.

We had a little row because I was asking where he’d been and why he couldnt answer his phone and he was basically saying he was fine and I was making a thing of it Is he this much of a selfish dickhead when he’s sober? Or just when he’s drunk? You know he’s behaved badly. I’m guessing this is not the first time he’s done this. It won’t be the last. The question is, what do you want to achieve from this? Is it that you’re just looking for confirmation that he’s a dick and that you’re right to be pissed off? Or are you getting to the end of your tether with his behaviour and trying to decide if this is what you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life?

Your problem is that you’ve left yourself completely vulnerable. If he behaves this badly on a regular basis, and tells you it’s all fine and he’s going to do it again, then you’re left with very little option but to either suck it up and pretend it’s not a problem, (either indefinitely or until you can rent your own home) or take your children, present yourself at the council, ask for emergency accommodation and put in a claim for benefits.

The children are here , what use is your question? do you think she can turn them back into eggs and magic then back into her ovaries? Just for context I had a child with a man who turned out to be an utter waste of space but he did not show a single hint of this during the years we were together before our child was born.

Does he do this often or is this a complete one off? I think the answer to that is important to how I’d act going forward.

No way he's stayed up drinking that long with taking gear.

Kids or no kids, this is unacceptable. With kids it's especially shitty

Do you seriously think there’s no risk of a fourth?
she needs to be reminded that Shen needs to make better decisions.

How much this fun spree cost op?

I would be asking myself why my standards are so low…

I hope you have savings? And some sort of back up plan because this situation is extremely precarious. You’re unmarried and without a job. What are you doing about your pension? Is your name on the house?

Doing it once should be unacceptable. He has 3 children, including a wee baby. Apart from the unacceptable amount of drinking OP has no idea who he spent the night with.

He's being selfish, inconsiderate and unkind to you. Hopefully he has the worst hangover when he wakes up. And then perhaps have a chat about this going forward... coz its bang out of order. You know it, he knows it, don't settle for anything other than an apology and without a promise not to do it again until his youngest graduates...

You had one. Presumably there was a good reason why there wasn't a second.

Yesterday he went football with his mates at 12.30 and obvs I knew he’d be drinking because thats what they do when they go football.

The question is indeed a pertinent one, as the OP may still be fertile and having sex with this loser.

Her post suggests the behaviour isn't new, so the question may help her think about having baby #4... I'd encourage her to seek support before they add anymore children to this dysfunction.

He sounds about 18.

I wouldn’t put up with this. You need to have a serious conversation with him when he’s in a fit state.

Going forward he will do it again and again, because he can. Op has no agency in this relationship.

I'd be telling him that I'd organised next weekend away with my Mum, sister, or best mate and that he'd got the kids.

If he's got a problem with that I'd be asking him how come he got to disappear this weekend and leave it all to me.

he does drink when he goes football tbf but normally he comes home after the match and hes not ever drunk or anything, just had a few. he doesnt normally stay out all night either this is the first time hes ever done this

when I asked him where he’d been he just said at a mates and his phone had died. I asked a bit more but he was still pissed and then just went to bed so I havent really got anything else out of him yet. I dunno if thats actually the full story or not but thats all he’s said atm

You’re not being unreasonable at all. In fact you seemed pretty chill after the first lot of drinking which other people would be pissed off about. Hopefully this is a one off.

I mean surely you don't even need to ask if you are being unreasonable? 😖

I'd also be utterly fuming!! But more so at the lack of consideration for YOUR feelings...I dare say you'd started to worry? ie. Was he safe/had he had an accident etc...? The fact he was incognito all night with no contact...yep I'd be fucking fuming!!

Different if he'd messaged or rang and said Look I'm gonna crash at Dave's at can't get a cab...but the no contact is so selfish.

I'd be having a serious chat about how selfish and inconsiderate he is and that it's not behaviour you're willing to put up with, so he needs to change/drink less.

Is it possible theres drugs involved?

Once he went out again there was no point in contacting him as he was at the point of return.
Had there been some sort of emergency he would have been not contactable.
As for phones dying domestic homes are awash with all sorts of chargers.
I have been around these behaviours - no kids - and it was a waste of time trying to reason with him, especially when pissed. He knows that what he’s doing isn’t right but he’s doing it anyway.
I know it’s only once in terms of staying out but all of this is so unfair on you either way three little ones. You are in a vulnerable state but I would hope if you were my daughter that you would build a life without him.

How old are you both? Is he really young?