My bf had been on the piss since football yesterday and I didnt hear from him all night

[LunarViper]

I’ve got 3 kids with my bf, ds is 5, dd is 2 and youngest ds is 8 months. We live together, not married or anything. He works and I’m at home with the kids. Yesterday he went football with his mates at 12.30 and obvs I knew he’d be drinking because thats what they do when they go football.

He came home later on in the afternoon and he’d clearly had a fair bit already. I thought he’d just stay in then tbh but he went back out again later on. I was a bit annoyed because he’d already been out all day really but I didnt tell him he couldnt go or anything. He said he was just going out for a bit and I thought fine whatever, I had the kids anyway.

I last heard from him about 10pm. After that nothing. I messaged him a couple of times and rang once then again later but nothing. At first I wasnt that bothered, I thought he’s probably on the piss and cant hear his phone or something and I didnt want to be that girlfriend constantly asking where he was. But then it got later and later and I still hadnt heard anything.

I had the baby waking up and the other two were up and down as well and I kept checking my phone thinking surely he’ll have messaged by now. I was getting more annoyed every hour really. Its not even like I needed him home to help at that exact moment, I just thought when you’ve got 3 kids at home you would maybe let your partner know you’re ok. I started getting worried as well which made me even more pissed off.

He finally messaged after 12 today saying he was coming home. He got in and he was still absolutely pissed. Not just a bit hungover, proper drunk still and looking like he’d been on the piss all night. We had a little row because I was asking where he’d been and why he couldnt answer his phone and he was basically saying he was fine and I was making a thing of it.

Then he just went upstairs and went to bed. So now I’m downstairs with the 3 kids while he’s asleep it just feels like he’s had a whole night and morning off and I’ve been doing everything. The baby is 8 months so obvs its not exactly like I can just switch off and go to bed either.

I dunno if I’m being dramatic because he is allowed to go out and have a drink and I dont mind him going football at all. I dont even mind him having a big night with his mates really, although going back out after he’d already been drinking did piss me off a bit. But not hearing from him from 10pm until after 12 the next day seems different to me. Maybe I’m being unreasonable but surely you can send one text saying you’re ok?

Its just doing my head in because if I’d gone out at 12.30 yesterday and stayed out all night, then come home still pissed at lunchtime and gone straight to bed, he’d be absolutely raging. I know that doesnt mean I’m right but thats how I’m looking at it. I dont want a relationship where he cant have a night out, I just dont think having kids means you disappear for 14 hours and dont answer anything. Am I being unreasonable for being this annoyed or would you be pissed off too?

Well if he was still pissed at midday today having gone out yesterday, he’s not just drinking, surely? He must be on the gear. I’d also be interested to know where he was all night?

Either way, no, you’re not being unreasonable.

You are early 20's with 3 kids and your DS was a baby years ago? So I'm assuming no education as well as no career. Please find a way to build a career and identity of your own, go back to college and leave this utter loser. Men in their early 20's are practically children themselves, he was never going to be a responsible positive role model for 3 children.

The first 7 words told me everything I need to know. No parent should go out all night without anyone knowing where they are, when they have kids at home. It's absolutely pathetic.

You’re under reacting. This is appalling. He’s acting like he doesn’t care what you think, or respect you or the kids. I sincerely hope that’s not the case but if it is I don’t think you can do much about it.

Me and DP have one DD(2). He does all the cooking. I work longer hours. We take it in turns to put her to bed and get up with her in the night. At the weekend we prioritise family time. We support each other and try to make sure we’re both getting some down time. If one of us goes to see friends at the weekend alone, we keep in touch, agree when we’re coming back, and certainly don’t check out all weekend or go awol.

But that’s because we have a relationship built on trust and care. You deserve that too.

I’m so sorry OP, he just sounds awful. But I think this is fairly common behaviour among some types of men.

my eldest is 5 so yes he was a baby years ago lol, hes 6 in a few months so I dont really get the point you’re making there.

and I have been to college btw. I havent just sat at home my whole life with no education or anything. I dont know why people always jump straight to assuming you’re completely useless because you’re young and have kids. I do have plans for myself and my own life

You are in quite a precarious position being a sahm and unmarried, OP. I don't know how financially aware you are but I have encountered a few women like yourself who has ended up with nothing and then finding out late that they haven't made enough national insurance contributions to receive the full state pension down the line and are still working in their 70s. Please just be aware of your situation and put things in place to protect yourself long-term.

This is what happens when you choose to have children when you are barely an adult with a man who is also barely an adult. Not 1 but 3, wow. TBH he’s just out enjoying being in his 20s like he should be doing.

I don’t think people are thinking you are useless, but they are thinking that you have put yourself in quite a precarious position. Three young kids, unmarried (hence no security), no work experience, no income and an irresponsible “partner”. It’s easy to see why you are getting the advice PP is giving…I would listen if I were you.

All I'm saying is that you are worth so much more than being trapped as a stay at home unpaid housemaid for a little scrote who is a heavy drinker, disrespects you and smoked weed when your baby was born. I'm guessing that you do the lion's share of the childcare and household chores as well. I would say that you wouldn't be entitled to his assets as you're unmarried, but he probably doesn't have many assets at all. Is this a life you would choose for your daughter? Start a business, go to university, do something for yourself so you are not indebted to this weasel.

And, please tell me, why did you have three kids with this prince who would not even marry you?...

This is OP's life and you shouldn't be sitting in judgement of her .

It may have escaped your attention that he is the father of three young children so telling him he is doing the right thing going out and drinking all day, enjoying himself, and spending the night with someone else is pretty disgusting. He chose to father the children so he should be acting responsibly.
You are actually giving him carte blanche to treat OP and his children disgracefully.

And yes - he is shit. He cant go out like a single person when he has three kids. Yes, he could have a break - but only if he is working hard to support you all. But even then being on the piss for almost 24 hours is not acceptable.

But there is literally nothing you can do, is there - apart from leaving.

I dont think its about giving this waste of space a "carte blanche". Its about highlighting that having multiple kids with someone you are not married to, when you have no means to support them yourself, is very, very silly. And even in marriage this has to be a conscious decision, not a whim.

These plans should include leaving this piece of shit, getting a 50/50 arrangement for childcare, and sorting your life out.

Why are you blaming OP for her partner's shitty behaviour?

There's always 2 or 3 of you that ask this exact question on threads like this and it does my tits in. It's so judgemental and totally unnecessary.

How do you think that's helpful to the situation OP finds herself in?

Its not helpful, i know as the kids are already here - but it may get OP to stop and think about where her decisions led her to, and maybe, just maybe she could start to repair the damage and dig herself out of the hole.

Is this a regular occurrence OP?
You have every right to be upset but requires a discussion when he is sober.
If this is a one off, please try not to let it swamp your mind. I'm not defending him but if he is a good partner /provider /parent, best to not allow this episode to cloud your overall thoughts.

Why not say that then rather than the judgemental crap that's wheeled out on every thread.

I do think OP is in a precarious position and she should take whatever steps she can to protect herself from being dependent on him.
But the pp I was replying to was more or less telling OP she was stupid for having children so young. And that is not right because it's entirely up to OP if she wanted children while she was young.
And the poster was saying that OP's partner was doing the right thing with his drunken selfish behaviourjust because he is young despite the fact he is a father. Why the poster thinks a father behaving in that way, no matter what age, is acceptable beggars belief to me .

Good idea with the own medicine suggestion 👌

We all know the only thing he did wrong here was have unprotected sex.

He is living his life like young 20 year olds should be 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's not in the least helpful to the OP unless it prevents her from having another baby with her partner and making her situation even more precarious. It might just give some other woman pause, though, before bringing a child into the world with a waster and no legal protection.

I'm seriously wondering about some of the posters on MN today.

So once he had the unprotected sex which resulted in the birth of his 3 children he has no responsibility for the welfare of his children or to his partner? He can just go on living the life of drunkeness and pleasure without giving them a second thought? It really is a man's world isn't it?

because the pregnancies werent planned? 😅 I dont really see what that has to do with him not proposing though. we havent actually spoken fully about marriage and its not something either of us has ever seen as massively important tbh. We live together, have 3 kids and have been together years, getting married has never been some big thing we’ve been sat waiting for.

I know people on here seem to think if you’re not married then the man must be refusing to marry you or something but thats not the situation. We just havent made it a priority.

Personally lm sitting judgement on her partner, not on her. She has her priorities in order unlike him don’t forget @LunarViper