My bf had been on the piss since football yesterday and I didnt hear from him all night

[LunarViper]

I’ve got 3 kids with my bf, ds is 5, dd is 2 and youngest ds is 8 months. We live together, not married or anything. He works and I’m at home with the kids. Yesterday he went football with his mates at 12.30 and obvs I knew he’d be drinking because thats what they do when they go football.

He came home later on in the afternoon and he’d clearly had a fair bit already. I thought he’d just stay in then tbh but he went back out again later on. I was a bit annoyed because he’d already been out all day really but I didnt tell him he couldnt go or anything. He said he was just going out for a bit and I thought fine whatever, I had the kids anyway.

I last heard from him about 10pm. After that nothing. I messaged him a couple of times and rang once then again later but nothing. At first I wasnt that bothered, I thought he’s probably on the piss and cant hear his phone or something and I didnt want to be that girlfriend constantly asking where he was. But then it got later and later and I still hadnt heard anything.

I had the baby waking up and the other two were up and down as well and I kept checking my phone thinking surely he’ll have messaged by now. I was getting more annoyed every hour really. Its not even like I needed him home to help at that exact moment, I just thought when you’ve got 3 kids at home you would maybe let your partner know you’re ok. I started getting worried as well which made me even more pissed off.

He finally messaged after 12 today saying he was coming home. He got in and he was still absolutely pissed. Not just a bit hungover, proper drunk still and looking like he’d been on the piss all night. We had a little row because I was asking where he’d been and why he couldnt answer his phone and he was basically saying he was fine and I was making a thing of it.

Then he just went upstairs and went to bed. So now I’m downstairs with the 3 kids while he’s asleep it just feels like he’s had a whole night and morning off and I’ve been doing everything. The baby is 8 months so obvs its not exactly like I can just switch off and go to bed either.

I dunno if I’m being dramatic because he is allowed to go out and have a drink and I dont mind him going football at all. I dont even mind him having a big night with his mates really, although going back out after he’d already been drinking did piss me off a bit. But not hearing from him from 10pm until after 12 the next day seems different to me. Maybe I’m being unreasonable but surely you can send one text saying you’re ok?

Its just doing my head in because if I’d gone out at 12.30 yesterday and stayed out all night, then come home still pissed at lunchtime and gone straight to bed, he’d be absolutely raging. I know that doesnt mean I’m right but thats how I’m looking at it. I dont want a relationship where he cant have a night out, I just dont think having kids means you disappear for 14 hours and dont answer anything. Am I being unreasonable for being this annoyed or would you be pissed off too?

Some men seem to think they can carry on a bachelor lifestyle despite having kids.

Which many men simply don't pay and get away with.

Let’s think now…what could be the reason she should be asking herself?

You're both entitled to the odd break, but it's only fair to plan/discuss it, and then talk to your partner if plans change. Has he only just started being like this, guess he must have been ok once or you'd not have had kids with him? Find out what's caused the change to make him think he's a teenager again. Has he got mental or physical health issues?

That's very true. Feckless fckers.

Please… why are we so quick to invent dubious diagnoses for these feckless bellends?

He clearly doesn’t have physical health issues if he’s been at the football and on a 14 hour bender. If he has mental health issues its for him to manage them properly as opposed to going on the lash and leaving his partner and kids in the shit.

Stop making excuses for knuckle dragging men.

You should be livid - but I'm not sure what you can do. You've put yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position by the choices you've made so it doesn't actually matter if he treats you like shit - you're stuck unless you make some very hard decisions now.

Yes, for the children's support. Assuming he pays it. But his income/savings is entirely his if they split.

'Find out what's caused the change to make him think he's a teenager again. Has he got mental or physical health issues?'

🤔

Yanbu.
I can only think of 2 reasons someone wouldn't answer their phone.

1. They passed out at a mates
2. They were in another woman's bedyou need to get a detailed breakdown of his night and find out why he didn't come home

I... don't... know...

Has something like this happened before that you know about but the rest of us don't?

If not, she wouldn't be asking 'why are my standards so low', she'd be asking 'will I be staying with this man who is so disrespectful he stayed out all night like a single man when he has a partner and three children'

If she does stay with him and he does it again THEN she can ask why her standards are so low. ☺️

Has he got mental or physical health issues?

Yes, he has disrespectful cuntitis.

Where do I mention the possiblity of a fourth?

Yes let’s wait for baby number 4 and him doing it a few more times, that’s a great idea!

Exactly. Three kids with this prince? And you don’t work, and are not married. Jeezo op, you are really vulnerable, unless you have your own money? Of course you are NBU re this situation here. He’s a disgrace.

That's a silly idea.

Do you suspect any drug taking at all? I know some men who attend the football taking cocaine and then drinking. The two drugs cancel each other out (they also cause a lot of damage when consumed together) but would give someone the stamina to stay out all night and morning.

I think you’re in a really vulnerable situation: unmarried with 3 little ones. Do you have family nearby? Any savings? If not, then I‘d start a run-away fund and plan my exit.

He can do this because he knows you are backed into a corner. Three children and no wedding ring.
You have 2 choices here. Put up with the shitty disrespectful behaviour ( because he won't change, will only get worse) and give your children a crap home life with a father that doesn't have an ounce of respect for their mother or cut your losses now and forge a new life whilst you are young but be aware he won't see the children that often.

I’d be fuming. Make arrangements to meets some friends or family next weekend. Not saying disappear all weekend, but maybe for an afternoon and evening. Tell him, don’t ask. He’ll absolutely not be able to get pissed off about it, because he’s done it himself.

⬆️ this and lm a qualified nurse

That’s nice for him. The wife doing the drudge work without the marriage. I wouldn’t entertain that shit.

I dont think so tbh, I know what you mean about the football thing but I really dont think he’s taking anything. He used to smoke weed when ds was a baby and before that as well but he hasnt done that for ages now, like years really. I’ve never known him to do anything else.

He’s basically living his single-man best life
what a dick

I usually roll my eyes a bit at these types of threads because a lot of people seem to think that as soon as you become a parent, you’re no longer allowed the odd night out. But this is absolutely taking the piss. He’s being a total wanker and, unless there are some serious apologies and a change in behaviour, I’d genuinely be questioning the relationship.
I think it’s time you organised a girls’ night for next weekend and got some reciprocity going!

Id be single