For not going on my friends partner’s surprise birthday party on Halloween while im also celebrating my bday on Halloween’s eve

[melindarra]

Both me and her partner have birthday just 3 days apart from halloween he has on oktober and i have on novemeber. To say it out, i always host my bday parties on halloween or same week halloween is because the pubs and nightclubs always throws fun halloween events and i LOVE halloween most friends know i make my birthday parties every weekend halloween is’ close to as my birthday party. I haven’t made any pre party event at my house yet but all me and my partner’s group friend knows about my upcoming halloween birthday party because they all besides from this friend and her partner came to my boyfriends birthday party this september.

And my friend is throwing him a suprise birthday party and told me in message to keep that day off, i cant totally blame her bcs she didnt know yet by my upcoming birthday party on 31 october aswell.. it seems as she consider me and my boyfriend to be closer friends with him than we really are in reality.. we barely see them after they had their kiddo of 2 years, and im her friend. so i feel like we have fallen out a bit of the friendship, after i told her that i also was making my birthday party on October 31 she got kinda mad because she tought i was just saying it right now as it wasn’t planned in my head 4 months ago.. i did tell her sorry bout it but she didn’t responded, but i wasn’t gonna cancel my own bday party for her partners suprise party either, since i wanna have my people to celebrate with me..

english not my first language so plz be nice :)

I can't believe the poll result and how many people think you're being unreasonable not to cancel your own birthday party so you can go to the party of somebody else's boyfriend!

I am also surprised but due to the title initially I thought OP party was the Fri and friends partner party on the Sat. Maybe others have thought the same.

Personally I'd go to the arranged birthday party, less hassle than arranging one myself. Or is your definition of a party a pub crawl to different venues hosting Halloween parties?

But you’re not having your own party on your birthday - you’re having it 3 days earlier!

She's hurt. She doesn't go out as much since having a child, and wants this to be a special occasion. She is maybe worried about numbers. She has told you and you have said you can't, as you are having a party that she didn't know about. So either (in her mind) you weren't that fussed about inviting her or it's not a firm plan and you are just saying that.

All being said, this is just a misunderstanding, and it is a party for her partner anyway (I.e. he wants his friends there more than you). I don't think you should change your party plans, just give her some time and maybe take an interest in her party planning.

As an aside, I think the term 'party' is variable. It sounds to me like you are using the term to mean 'get together at someone's house and head out on the town later', whereas others may view it as 'book a venue, order food, invite 50 people'. Not that it really matters, but may affect people's responses about whether you have already planned things.

Oh OP. It's hard enough in AIBU when English IS your first language. People like to seize on any detail they can criticise and ignore the actual question.

Personally, I don't have birthday parties and am not a party person but can completely understand that you are.

The crux is that your friend is ignoring you and thinks you've planned something whilst knowing she's throwing a party on the same day. You can't control this and you've done nothing wrong. You've apologised and that's all you can do for now. She's likely disappointed and feels hurt (without any malice intended by you). Leave it for now and see if she responds soon.

How do you cope with actual problems OP?

I can - it’s very badly written and many, me included, initially read it as the Ops party was on the 30th (halloween Eve) and the surprise party on the 31st (Halloween).

Why are you being so nasty?

She hasn't said she isn't coping. She's sounding out a friendship issue with some people who might offer some perspective.

She asked in her very first post for allowance that English was not her first language. I read it as being on the same day, though I tend not to read titles in any depth, so I missed that bit.

What’s the issue? Just say you can’t make it?Continue having your own party that day and your friend will go to her bfs party as planned 🤷‍♀️ doesn’t matter if you both miss each others. Especially since you’re not close to him

This

more simple then my reply

You have a birthday party every year?

how old are you, 12?

@melindarra there's some miserable sods on here, the only thing that excites them is over paying their pension. Your friend is probably worried about the numbers turning up, especially as it is Halloween and people have plans. She assumed that she could rely on you two and she'd have someone there, she liked. She's let her disappointment show, which is a shame. It isn't often Halloween is on a Saturday, ultimately he is only your friend's boyfriend and you shouldn't be stopping important plans for them. Are you doing a pub type, night out? She might wonder why you just can't go to her's, do leave off suggesting it for now and speak to her closer to the time, to see how her numbers are going. You might get harrasment on the night, because there aren't many there and she's saying you are all welcome.

If you’re inviting different friends I can’t see why it matters. Just politely decline.

Using u instead of you kind of indicates you are closer to eight or nine tbf.

But have your party, especially if Halloween is your thing, it doesn’t sound like the same people are going anyway?

OP might just mean a meet up/pub crawl etc, which when you aren't bogged down with young children, is normal.

I don’t see the issue unless it’s going to divide your friendship group. Just have your party when you want.

Just seen the poll! People are INSANE. Why on earth should someone cancel their own plans for a friend’s partner’s birthday? I can only assume that those saying YABU have either not read the OP properly or are being miserable bastards because a) you don’t speak English as a first language, or b) you actually enjoy your birthday.
For some reason, there always seem to be people on MN who don’t celebrate birthdays / Christmas / Valentine’s who get very upset at people who do. Surely part of being an adult is allowing others to do things their own way? No-one’s making you do it.

Halloween isnt your birthday though, its in Nov. You both just happen to be busy.

I dont see the problem here, she invited you to a party on the weekend nearest her partners birthday. You just say sorry Im throwing my own birthday party that day too.

To me the only difficulty is you dont actually have a party planned for Halloween.. you just plan to plan a party on that day. She invited you, because she doesnt know you intend to also plan a party.

And honestly I think expecting her to know youd call dibs on halloween because you like halloween and your bday is in Nov is odd.

Then what on earth is the problem. You just politely decline the invite she gave you. There was no need to go it was your party day, you just needed to say ‘oh dear, sorry, I can’t make it, have arrangements already that night’. Then just do your birthday as planned, especially given there is no friend cross over. Why are you making such a drama of it?

But you’ve already stated you birthday is in November.

I voted she was being unreasonable not for not going but because shes saying - I always have Halloween for my birthday (Which is in Nov) and shes picked this day so I cant go. While also saying currently she doesnt have a birthday party on Halloween just that shes going to.

This friend invites her weeks in advance without knowing OP is wanting dibs on that day

And I think its a bit weird to say no I can't come to your party on that day because I want a party the very same day that I havent arranged or mentioned to you yet.

But I think saying no I have plans that day is perfectly reasonable or just no thanks

Is it a milestone bday for you or the friend? I can’t get my head round grown ups throwing themselves an actual party every year. If it was eg my 36th and the friends 40th I’d prioritise theirs this year

She said Halloween and Hollws eve in the title - they are actually the same thing but agree it made it look like different day