AIBU to let my adult nephew move in after rent rise from my sister?

[YearsOfLife]

My nephew is 24 and has been working full time for about a year after finishing university. When he first started working full time, my sister was charging him £500 per month to live with her and her partner. She has now told him he needs to pay £800 per month which he isn’t happy about as he is trying to save for a house deposit as well as having other costs and wanting to socialise. He spends a lot of time at work or with his girlfriend and friends so I do think £800 is a lot.

Our children are similar ages and my nephew has asked if he could live with us, paying £400 per month. We are happy for him to live here but it is causing a huge problem with my sister and her partner. They don’t think we should allow him to stay with us.

On the one hand I can see why my sister thinks we shouldn’t get involved, but on the other, he’s our nephew and an adult and if we’re happy for him to live here, he should be able to.

My sister has accused us of trying to make money from him which is untrue as we don’t charge our own children anything to live here and IF we take anything from our nephew, it won’t be £400 per month. This isn’t about money for us. I agree with my nephew that £800 is too much and want him to be able to have a life and save like my own children.

AIBU to say he can live here?

Sounds like your sister is trying to make money from him. If you can afford to, I would as you’re only trying to help in out in the long run.

Has your sister explained why she thinks £800 is a fair amount for her son to pay?
Would your own children be happy for him to move in with you?

Your sister is probably saving that money with the intention of giving it back to him when he finally moves out.

If he's saving for a deposit his socialising costs should be at a minimum. I fear you're getting involved without knowing the full story.

I can see both sides - £800 is still cheap compared to him getting a house share and paying his portion of bills plus his own food shop.
However he is wanting to save for a house.

My nephew lived with my mum for several years and she did charge him rent of £700 - which she put into a savings account. It wasn't to make money from him it was to get him used to life and budgeting. When he moved out she gave him a lump sum of 10k which was all the rent plus interest it had earned.

I think it's right to charge adults despite being your children in order for them to get financial responsibility and living within your means.

In your shoes I would let him live with you but charge him the rent - put it into a easy access ISA or a savings account for him.

Could she be saving up the rent he is paying her? If he is out a lot, wonder if he spends a lot too, so could she be saving the rent he is paying for a deposit on his house? What is your sister usually like? is she usually greedy and the type who will try to rip anyone off for a buck or two?

I think £800/month is ridiculous.

DD her DH and my DGC have talked about moving back in with us. I'd only be asking for £500/month for the 3 of them

As to getting involved, I'm not sure. On the one hand you are being a lovely aunt but on the other hand you may lose your sister - difficult

How much has he saved over the last year?

I'd want to know before talking about anything, because it sounds like he is pissing all his spare money up the wall, it sounds harsh what your sister is doing, but maybe she has a plan for that extra money that she doesn't want him to be privvy too.. maybe to give it back to him in a couple of years time as a deposit for him to move out? Maybe he is shit at saving, I've got a nephew just like it.

You letting him live with you for virtually nothing, is not going to help him if he hasn't done anything to help himself for the last year, so find out how much he has saved up and that will be your answer. But personally I'd stay out of it.. if he wanted to he could rent a room somewhere, but he obviously doesn't want to be self sufficient, he still wants someone to look after him while paying the minimum amount he can, be careful because once he is in you won't get him out.

What would a room in a house share near you cost?

Is £800 1/3 of the running costs of the house.

We did say to our kids that once they were over 25 and at least a year out of education we'd add everything up and split costs as housemates (the plan being we'd split by number of people living in the house and parents obviously pay for the under 25s - so if one adult offspring was still at home plus two parents and two under 25s, adult offspring would pay 1/5).

To be honest this was largely inspired by the fact that one of DH's siblings and a couple of his former school friends were still living with their parents and paying nothing and significantly better off than their parents, in their 40s! One of the school friends even inherited his grandmother's house and rented it out and continued to live with his mum who DH said wasn't especially happy about it.

I don't know whether we'd actually have done it - it would have depended on the circumstances. As it was we paid our eldest's deposit and first month's rent for her so she could move out because her commute was horrendous (90 minutes each way and sometimes longer with delays) and she was exhausted after a year. The others are still in education.

£800 does sound a lot on the face of it, but it somewhat depends on all the whys and wherefores.

He might not be as easy to live with as he's telling you he is, and his girlfriend might be part of the package, so be careful with your magnanimous gestures.

The usual line here is “if you can find somewhere cheaper then by all means go for it”. The lad has done exactly that, it’s just luck that it’s his aunt.
His mum has no real reason to be annoyed at you and I think she knows that.
I have kids that age and if it were me - btw I’d not be charging 400 never mind 800!- I’d think ok you can both crack on glad you’re sorted. My sister however takes no shit so it would be a fun watch from the sidelines 😅

£800 is ridiculous, your sister is choosing money over her relationship with her son, it’s no wonder he’s looking elsewhere to live, in my area he could get a flat share for much cheaper.

This will all be the "partner" driving this. He isn't the father i presume?

except the sister doesn'r want him to move out to her sister?

You sister is missing her cash cow…

Look, I'd do this. I'd ask him to go out and rent/flatshare somewhere. Even if you're in an expensive area it's likely he'll pay close to what he was paying your sister to rent a room in a house share. Ask him to do that for a year and then after that your house is available to him for £400 a month (he should still pay rent, even if he is saving). Ask him to keep that offer to himself for the moment.

That way your sister has to live without her £600 income stream and she'll have no-one to blame but herself. Make sure that you say to your sister that you really wanted to have him in, but because she was so adamant that he shouldn't move to yours, you respected her wishes. But tell her that your decision may not be forever, and if he finds he can't save as much as he thought he could, you might change your mind.

You haven't said anything about her partner - my gut feeling is he's behind this rent hike. £600 is a big hit to take to your take home monthly income, unless you are very well off. They'll soon regret their actions.

Have him stay but agree a fixed time e.g. one year or two. It sounds like he is a nice person and no problem to have. Your sister is making money from him and being unkind when she could help him save to move out.

Good spot.

If it isn't to nudge him to fledge (apparently not if aunt is being asked not to have him, but there may be more to it such as his mum not wanting her sister to see he's not the golden boy she said he was) then is it mum's boyfriend thinking the son can cover half the mum's mortgage so can continue to cock-lodge/ free up his money for beer/ cycling gear?

I’d absolutely let him stay if I had the room. Your sister sounds like she’s gotten used to the money. TBH I don’t get the whole “tell him to get a room””- I would do anything I could to help any of the young people in my life get a leg up. I was helped and it made a huge difference to me, I’ll never forget it. And I didn’t waste the money I saved either. You should go for it!

Let the lad move in. Your sister is a money grabbing cow. Even if they are keeping the £300 housekeeping for him £500 is still alot.

I was trying to say if he is only earning £1000 then £800 would clearly be very unreasonable but if he was earning say £5000 then its all relative and £800 would still leave him with plenty of his well earned income.

She and/or her partner are clearly taking the mickey by hoiking up the requested amount so high.

I think that if his mother is saving his rent for him for a house deposit, she would tell op that’s what she was doing. It seems to me that it’s just greed on her part.

Any chance this cash grab has to do with your sister's partner? How does he get on with the boy?

You should consider taking the 400 and giving it back when he is moving out (rather than not charging at all) then it’s extra money for him to set up home with.

Your sister is using her son as income. My DS pays just over £800 in rent. For a whole flat, in a good part of the city where he lives.

Let him stay with you. Your sister is being unreasonable in asking him for €800 a month. How does she expect him to move on if she's going to take that much from him?

My adult niece & her dog came to live with me 3 years ago. Her DM, my DS, has no issues with it. I don't take any money from her as she is saving like crazy, studying for a degree & working. She buys everything she needs. I don't want to make it even harder for her to be able to establish herself.

It’s not naïve to think this is a likely scenario. The rule in our house is that a third of your income goes to running a household. To get young people used to managing a budget so once they move out they are prepared. I take £800 from my DC post university, as earning jumped way up. However, I put £500 of that into a saving account for her. She can access it anytime for any big costs that come in, or it will go towards a deposit / world travel / wedding or literally whatever life choice she makes. I don’t give a fuck if people hear that I take £800 a month and cast judgment at me; I’m the one who knows that my kids in mid twenties now have over £14k in savings 🤷🏻‍♀️