AIBU to let my adult nephew move in after rent rise from my sister?

[YearsOfLife]

My nephew is 24 and has been working full time for about a year after finishing university. When he first started working full time, my sister was charging him £500 per month to live with her and her partner. She has now told him he needs to pay £800 per month which he isn’t happy about as he is trying to save for a house deposit as well as having other costs and wanting to socialise. He spends a lot of time at work or with his girlfriend and friends so I do think £800 is a lot.

Our children are similar ages and my nephew has asked if he could live with us, paying £400 per month. We are happy for him to live here but it is causing a huge problem with my sister and her partner. They don’t think we should allow him to stay with us.

On the one hand I can see why my sister thinks we shouldn’t get involved, but on the other, he’s our nephew and an adult and if we’re happy for him to live here, he should be able to.

My sister has accused us of trying to make money from him which is untrue as we don’t charge our own children anything to live here and IF we take anything from our nephew, it won’t be £400 per month. This isn’t about money for us. I agree with my nephew that £800 is too much and want him to be able to have a life and save like my own children.

AIBU to say he can live here?

Bit rich your Dsis accusing you of trying to make money off him.

I would offer him the room, your Dsis sounds mercenary

My sister has accused us of trying to make money from him

seems like this is what she is trying to do, it’s not going to cost her £800 a month to house and feed him, it sounds like she’s annoyed you will let him stay for less because she will lose her cash cow!

I disagree with posters saying don't get involved. He's your nephew and your sister and nephew's stepfather are taking the piss. He's only 24, working only a year, a good lad saving money to get a deposit to buy a place. H

Unless he's earning serious money (doubful at his age and working experience) 800 is way too much.

Funny how your sister thinks you are trying to profit from him, when is the other way around. I wonder how much his stepfather is what's driving this latest rise in financial contribution.

I'd have a good conversation with your nephew regarding how much he's contributing (500 seems fair) and your expectations of him - washing, cleaning, cooking, girlfriend staying over etc. Being clear about your and your family boundaries is essential for the arrangement to work.

If your sister doesn't like it, it's her problem.

What is the going rate for a room
in a shared house in your area?
That could be why your sister has settled on the £800?!
It does seem a lot, but without knowing the area it’s a bit tricky, you may live on an area where a room is £1000 a month all in or £500 a month..
If £800 is much higher then renting a room in a shared house, and it was my nephew I would take him in but it my sister was being that unreasonable I wouldn’t mind falling out with her over it and siding with him.
If however a room in a shared house is more than the £800 I wouldn’t interfere because he needs to learn to budget for the area he is in and by staying at home he’s still paying less then the going rate.

really odd.....I measn what is your sister normally like? Does she actually like her son? As others' have said, could the partner be at the root of this? On reflection, I think I'd let him move in and I'd take the money he offered. You can save it for him or not but then you are coming over as adult to adult and not wonderful super aunty
What I would say is at 25, he is old enough to be dealt with as an adult separate from his mother and not to need his mother's permission and agreement do do anything, and you shouldn't need her permission either.

I asked if she was putting any of the money aside for him or planned to and she said no.

My sister admits he’s easy to live with and causes them no issues so I don’t see any problems with him living here.

He is a good saver. He managed to save when working at uni so is enjoying saving more now he’s working full time. Some posters want to paint him as some kind of lazy, hard to live with loser but he’s a fully functioning man who looks after himself, saves, has a life and is planning for his future. Not all young people are useless! 🤔

you need to weigh up the consequences and understand if you can deal with them. Nephew living with you which could be annoying and feeling like you’ve got a visitor all the time. Damage to your relationship with your sister.

If you’re ok with that then do it. Charging that amount is her decision but he gets the choice to find somewhere more reasonable, and I think it’s fine to take £400. I’m sure his presence will cost half that anyway

let him move in, you sound like an incredible aunt. Why would she not want this for her own son when it gives him the ability to save. One year out of college 800 is a huge amount. She’s just worried about losing her cash cow. She’s making money off her own son.

Let him move in!

Your sister is living with her partner so presumably he is not your nephew's Dad. What is their living set up, do they own their home, rent, mortgage and do you know the costs etc per month?
If you and your family are agreed then I don't see any problem with your nephew living with you. He is lucky to have you all.
Her partner may be influencing the charge but a whopping £300 increase is totally unacceptable. Her priority should be her child.

Absolutely this

He's an adult so he can live where he likes. Your sister doesn't have to like it but that's her problem!

He's in his mid 20s. That is well beyond a parent being able to reasonably expect a say in his living arrangements.

If it's about her needing the money, she does need to understand the risk of pricing herself out of the market. A man in his mid 20s might have any number of cheaper options than that available to him, or just different. He could move in with a partner, go and work on the cruise ships, take on a property guardian role. There could be friends still living at home whose parents have a spare room and would welcome some extra income with a lodger they already know.

Because he's an adult who she isn't entitled to control.

He's an adult and gets to choose his own living arrangements, if your sister has trouble accepting his independence it's not his problem.

If he found a flat share for £400 would your sister be having a go at his flatmates or landlord?

Most of my son's friends paid £400.

All have now moved out at 25-27. Most have bought property.

It may be coming from her partner but I have no evidence of it as such. The only thing that makes me think it could be coming from him having thought about it, is that when talking to my nephew he’d been told he was earning almost as much as my sisters partner. I suppose her partner could think he should have to pay more because of that. My sisters earns a lot more though so if that is the case, it’s even more annoying that she’ll subsidise her partners living costs, but not her sons. As I said though, I have no evidence of that being the case.

My FIL moved in with me when his relationship broke down. We charged him £200 per month as he wasn’t working but had a lot of savings and we couldn’t afford to keep and feed him. When he got a job and we realised he had no plans to move out we whacked his rent up to market rate and he move out within a month. Fuming that we would ask for market rate.

When your young adult lives with you surely you’re trying to help them, not changing them market rate - unless I wanted them to move out. So the fact that he’s moving out and they’re upset shows they’re just trying to financially benefit from him which is crazy. Especially to them try and block him moving somewhere cheaper

I'd suggest to your sister she sticks to £500 and you don't get involved beyond that. I'd take in any of my neices/nephews/kids friends if they were at risk, but I don't think this is a good idea unless you have no relationship with her worth keeping - and if you are not going to have to work together to manage your parents through old age etc.

Sister sounds greedy and someone who doesn’t care about her own son. She can’t stop/control others from helping her son.

I don’t think she is a good sister.

Fuck your sister, my mortgage isn’t even 800.
I’m team nephew. We have our child nephews over most weeks and we have a terrific relationship with them. If they ever need us for anything then we’re here, that doesn’t stop when they’re adults.
You have the space and a great relationship, let him live with you.
It’s hard for young people these days. My adult DC pays me £150 towards the council tax because he isn’t earning much. I want him to pay something so he has a sense of responsibility, if he was earning decent money (0 hour contract, so it’s a nightmare getting the hours) I’d take more and save it for him. When I was the age of my DS I had £1200 a month with my overtime and that paid for the rent on my first flat and I had plenty to drink, smoke and buy clothes with. Nowadays £1200 a month is sweet fuck all. Terribly sad isn’t it the cost of living.

DSis is struggling to come to terms with the fact that her Golden Goose will not only be not subsidising her the £6000 per year anymore, nor the £9600 she is currently asking for. CF

He is 24 it’s up to him who he wants to live with and where.

£800 to me seems ridiculous. Sister and husband seem very greedy.

I would let your nephew move in, yes it may damage the relationship you have with her but she is the one damaging the relationship with her son.

As to wether 800 is fair or not …

what percentage of his income is it?
if your sister has way less free cash than he has and is doing all the household labour she could be feeling quite used. Does he pull his weight or is he getting a cook and cleaner as well as board and lodging ?

what are his costs on the household - you say” not much “ but do you know? Is that the nephews opinion ?

The main costs would be food and impact on energy bills - it’s quite easy for an extra adult to be adding £50 a month to an electricity bill just on long or frequent showers and food - well you can see how some manage to eat well on £50 a week per person , many others twice that

having said that -800 feels steep

Maybe she is doing all those things or maybe she is greedy and controlling.

There's also potential for OP refusing to cause problems in family relationships though.

Because OP evidently has room and was considering it, hence speaking to the sister. DN knows this. It will be obvious if she comes back with a no that the sister has had her oar in. Which could become a bone of contention between all of the people involved.

Dsis thinking it's acceptable to try and dictate where her mid 20s son lives has created a situation where there is a risk to family relationships whatever happens.