AIBU to leave holiday early after my mother criticised my parenting?

[graygoose]

Background: I’m a single mum on holiday with my parents and 2 year old, a one hour flight away from where we live (not in the UK). My relationship with my mother has deteriorated steadily in recent years, especially since I became a mum. I see how toxic her behaviour to me and my brother really was (brother is now no contact with her) but she sits there and criticises my parenting. This morning at breakfast buffet DD dropped her croissant on the floor. I picked it up and told her I’ll get her a new one, go sit with grandparents. She’s 2 so she had a mini meltdown because she wanted to carry the croissant herself. My mother tells me I shamed DD, not realising the irony in saying that statement to her own daughter!

I could go on but it’s been a lifetime of her criticising me, not taking accountability and every time I stick up for myself she compares me to her abusive older sister. I’m so over this. I’m a worse person when she’s around.

I’ve booked a flight home for me and DD this morning leaving in a few hours. Currently sitting in our adjoining hotel room waiting until it’s late enough for me to leave for the airport with DD and not hang around there too long.

I am in my late 30s and feel sick inside at the thought of “defying” my mother. But I’m also sick of her and I’m a worse person when I’m around her.

I don’t know what I’m seeking here, I’m not a dramatic person, I have never “defied” my mother before but AIBU for deciding I’m an adult with free will, mother to my own child and I can make decisions that upset my mother? She’s done a real number on me.

Your Mum sounds very difficult. How is your relationship with your Dad? Could you talk to him about the situation?

Was the croissant comment the only thing she's said/done?

Seems a bit of an overreaction on your part if it was.

This. I hope there is a lot more to it.

I’m a worse person when she’s around.

Leave! Your DD deserves better than to watch her mother being criticised frequently and think it is normal to speak to others or be spoken to in that way.

I imagine the breakfast incident was the tip of the iceberg.
Go, taking a stand may reset her behaviour.

I imagine the breakfast incident was the tip of the iceberg.
Go, taking a stand may reset her behaviour.

I imagine the breakfast incident was the tip of the iceberg.
Go, taking a stand may reset her behaviour.

I imagine the breakfast incident was the tip of the iceberg.
Go, taking a stand may reset her behaviour.

This cannot be real. Such an OTT reaction and I agree with your mum, it's better to let kids do stuff for themselves.

A 2 year old would likely stuff the croissant back in her mouth, where would she have carried it to?

OP says "it’s been a lifetime of her criticising me, not taking accountability and every time I stick up for myself she compares me to her abusive older sister." so it's weird you ally with the mum.

I hope there is more to this, and you aren't flying home over a croissant!

Ignore those people calling you OTT, OP.

They can’t have dealt with someone constantly criticising as you’ve said your mother does.

I would cut contact with her if she’s as bad as you say.

As a pp has correctly quoted:

OP says "it’s been a lifetime of her criticising me, not taking accountability and every time I stick up for myself she compares me to her abusive older sister." so it's weird you ally with the mum.

To the table to eat it. Or stuff it into her mouth on the way there. Doesn't really matter but both are better than teaching her daughter that she can't be trusted to handle a croissant. Looks like the wheel is turning full circle.

Leave. You’ve had enough. Write down everything you can remember of how she’s made you feel over the years and then go no contact or very very low contact.

its what I had to do and it has saved my life.

Sounds like the croissant was the one that fell on the floor, OP likely didn't want her to stuff it in her mouth.

If you're not enjoying the holiday and see no sense in being there if you're miserable and having to deal with your mum, go home.

Plenty of people above haven't read your post above. The croissant incident isn't the only thing making you think this as it's a lifetime of irritating comments and presumably a tonne of them on this holiday.

There will be plenty more opportunities to holiday with your DD in the future.

As for your relationship with your mum, it does sound toxic (as you brother has found out). If you think it can be salvaged in any way, explore it. Otherwise, why live a life with a presence you don't want in it?

Good luck in whatever path you choose.

Right, but it's OTT (in my opinion) to choose to holiday with someone who has been criticising you your whole life then fly home after a few hours because of a pretty innocuous comment.

Loving 'croissant - gate'........
Leaving is a bit OTT after one small criticism. Why go on holiday with her in the first place since you knew what she is like? If she disapproves of you being a lone parent she is never likely to change.

Since you haven't got a good word to say about your mother, why did you go on holiday with her in the first place?

YANBU. I hope you are now back home and feeling better. I don't understand the people saying it was an over reaction, when you have been very clear that this has been an ongoing issue and that was clearly the last straw.

You're an adult. You can disagree with your mother and not take her advice without defining that as "defying" her. Maybe she has an opinion on everything and loves to voice it, but YOU make the decisions about your child no matter what she thinks or says. Tell her she had her chance to parent and now it's your turn. Thank her for her opinion but say you're taking a different path. Laugh and tell her not to be ridiculous. Or ignore her and parent your child (although that last one may be difficult if she's insisting on correcting or arguing with you in front of the child once she's old enough to understand and refuses to stop when asked). Who cares if she compares you to your sister, or to herself?

If you genuinely want to leave then that's fine; it's your choice. You can also choose not to go away with her again, and to limit how often you see her and under what circumstances. But if you can, stop giving her so much power! If you can't mentally convince yourself that it's perfectly OK and normal to push back and to ignore her running commentary then maybe you are suffering from the cumulative effects of emotional abuse/bullying and perhaps therapy could be helpful to sort out your feelings and see if there are patterns you can change - whether or not you ultimately choose to have her in your life and/or want to work on the relationship.

It's fine, OP, and at least you now know to never go on holiday with your parents again.
If you're in your 30s, why do you still let them have so much influence? Whittle down your contact with them, and concentrate on your own life with your child and your friends.

Because children from this family dynamic often hope that things will get better. It's the hope that kills.

Yeah but people in these sort of relationships with a parent don’t tend to think that clearly.

They constantly think it will get better, or hope that it might.