AIBU to leave holiday early after my mother criticised my parenting?

[graygoose]

Background: I’m a single mum on holiday with my parents and 2 year old, a one hour flight away from where we live (not in the UK). My relationship with my mother has deteriorated steadily in recent years, especially since I became a mum. I see how toxic her behaviour to me and my brother really was (brother is now no contact with her) but she sits there and criticises my parenting. This morning at breakfast buffet DD dropped her croissant on the floor. I picked it up and told her I’ll get her a new one, go sit with grandparents. She’s 2 so she had a mini meltdown because she wanted to carry the croissant herself. My mother tells me I shamed DD, not realising the irony in saying that statement to her own daughter!

I could go on but it’s been a lifetime of her criticising me, not taking accountability and every time I stick up for myself she compares me to her abusive older sister. I’m so over this. I’m a worse person when she’s around.

I’ve booked a flight home for me and DD this morning leaving in a few hours. Currently sitting in our adjoining hotel room waiting until it’s late enough for me to leave for the airport with DD and not hang around there too long.

I am in my late 30s and feel sick inside at the thought of “defying” my mother. But I’m also sick of her and I’m a worse person when I’m around her.

I don’t know what I’m seeking here, I’m not a dramatic person, I have never “defied” my mother before but AIBU for deciding I’m an adult with free will, mother to my own child and I can make decisions that upset my mother? She’s done a real number on me.

This seems a bit silly tbh. why do you go on holiday with them in the first place? Are they paying?

There's a trend now to go nc with parents and then people will throw out a bunch of therapy speak of boundaries and protect your peace and it will be over trivial things like you described. I'm seeing more post like that here lately

People say things are that are disagreeable and that we don't like that's just part of life but you don't flounce off with your hurt feelings

If you're almost 40 then it's up to you to speak up use your words like an adult that you're supposed to be. flouncing off is not adult behavior

I really feel for you. I have a similar mother. It got worse once I had children. She criticizes everything all the time but once she started on my children I finally pulled my head out of the sand. I started standing up to her more and occasionally had it out with her if she went too far, which at the time felt good but ultimately it never sank in and wasn't helpful. I then started to distance myself emotionally and physically. I still pull her up if need be but I am trying to let her comments just wash over me now. I would consider our relationship very good, even if a bit superficial. We speak on the phone once a week and I very carefully curate what I tell her and mainly just let her talk and we see each other only once a year which really helps but I live far enough that it's perfectly fine to do so. Good luck finding your own way with it.

CroisZilla?

What a mean thing to say!

I just can never understand what anyone gains from making comments like this.

There’s always one small-minded nasty sad individual, isn’t there?

Didn't the OP give that particular example as an example of what stupid little things her mother will (incessantly) criticise her over?

What’s to say OPs DD will do the same? OP might be a better mother than her own and have a good relationship with her DD

I personally would stay so that you and your daughter can enjoy your holiday. Get up early, go out and do lots of an activities (I’m sure there’s lots you can do for free) with your little one and totally do not include her in anything. Bite your tongue and do not respond to any goady comments, it will drive her nuts!

I am really sorry but are some posters on this site so emotionally inept that they seriously think this is over a croissant?
Please, one of you explain why you are incapable of looking at an entire post and just focus on one thing? It is frightening, and to think some of you are parents.

It sounds like the croissant was the proverbial straw @graygoose but I will give you the best advice, do not come on this site expecting a majority of emotionally intelligent responses. You will be torn apart and a ton of idiots will say shit about how you only have one Mum, cherish her while she's here etc. All that comes naturally to them is manipulation. It's fascinating.

A scary amount of posters can not see beyond their own life experience.

Get home with your little one and don't go away with them again!

Yes there is a bit of a ‘trend’ of going NC with parents/in-laws. However that does NOT mean that anyone doing so, is jumping on said trend and that their experiences and cause for doing so, are invalid! OP very clearly stated that her example with the croissant is just that an example and presumably didn’t list the other occurrences on the holiday for fear of too long an opening post

This this this! I was reading this thread whilst sat in my car waiting for school to finish and I just despaired at the sheer lack of critical thinking and reading comprehension by so many people these days. I just hope that it’s because they’re only skim-reading OPs and not actually reading them because if the latter, then that’s genuinely worrying.

I am incredibly thankful that schools have begun teaching comprehension again. I had to temporarily home-school DD for half a term and made a point of doing 2 hours per week on both reading and listening comprehension!

Agree with other posters. Why did you choose to go on holiday with her at all if she’s so awful?

@graygoosePlease, please ignore the criticism on this thread, those posters clearly didn’t full comprehend your initial post correctly. You have done nothing whatsoever wrong and in my opinion you are certainly not overreacting.
I too have a toxic mother who criticised my every parenting decision and I wish I’d chosen peace much earlier. I haven’t gone NC because of other factors but whether you choose to go NC with your mum or not is entirely irrelevant to whether you decide to go home early or not. Do what you think is right for you and your little one. 🧡

one of my usual questions
What took you so long?

A lot of amateur psychologists and pseudo therapists on here doing some inept reading between the lines of other posters, jumping to conclusions and making judgements without knowing the OP, her mother, their relationship or the circumstances.
Do what you feel is right for you and your child OP no one else is walking in your shoes.

I feel your pain. Like you, I didn't realise what my mother was like until I became a mum myself, when I was 37. I can't stand my mum now. Don't explain, don't justify, just go. Your mum knows what she's doing. Sometimes, grandparents who weren't good parents overcompensate with grandchildren to make themselves feel better. They see it as being their second chance. Get on your flight and leave your mother behind.

'Why did you go on holiday with her at all'
Because society bangs on and on about how you should be nice to your parents, how noones perfect, how she's just doing her best, and anyone who goes low or no contact is a massive drama queen and that its 'trendy' (its not bloody a new trend, people have done it since time began, we just have words for it now and more people talk about it) so you feel like you should try out of pure guilt? Because OP feels like she should give her mum chances to be nice to her because she lives in hope people can change and its a really hard pill to swallow otherwise?

I don’t blame you. The final straw is seldom something big, it’s just the final one on top of the millions already piled upon you. Do what you have to do to protect your mental health and your daughter.

This. I went through years of gaslighting myself and fawning out of a learned sense that I was responsible for managing my abusive mother’s feelings. Getting free of it can be messy and isn’t always linear.

I have a toxic family. If you are done you are done. This though is a huge tear to place in your family so be sure. You say your Mum was abused by an elder sibling ..is she repeating patterns?

I luckily lived long enough for my mother to apologise to me and for me to see the burdens she was carrying. She isn’t the mother we would hope for but things are clearer, safer. I did have to challenge back a couple of times that are legendary in our family now…I went nuclear when she turned her criticism to a BF ..funny how we can stand up for others isn’t it?

One thing I noticed is that your DM was trying to protect your DD…my sister and I found it really emotional how loving, kind and energetic our Mum was with the grandchildren when she was so angry and cruel with us…be cautious that that sorrow isn't affecting your perception of things …it’s a super hard situation OP ..choose the least painful situation 💐🍀

Yes. After decades of abuse it was a text message that would have looked fairly innocuous to anyone else that pushed me to make the break. In fact I’ve heard from certain quarters that my mother still delights in telling people I went NC ‘over a message’.

I hope you’re able to protect your peace, OP. You can waste a lot of time waiting for folk to change.

Hope she knows why you are going home early.

Ding ding ding - abusive parent above 🔼

Going by the rest of what the OP has written, it sounds like the straw that broke the camels back, even if it was.

And here we have the abusive mother. Do you really think that paying for someone’s holiday buys you the right to be abusive towards them? What an awful attitude.