AIBU to leave holiday early after my mother criticised my parenting?

[graygoose]

Background: I’m a single mum on holiday with my parents and 2 year old, a one hour flight away from where we live (not in the UK). My relationship with my mother has deteriorated steadily in recent years, especially since I became a mum. I see how toxic her behaviour to me and my brother really was (brother is now no contact with her) but she sits there and criticises my parenting. This morning at breakfast buffet DD dropped her croissant on the floor. I picked it up and told her I’ll get her a new one, go sit with grandparents. She’s 2 so she had a mini meltdown because she wanted to carry the croissant herself. My mother tells me I shamed DD, not realising the irony in saying that statement to her own daughter!

I could go on but it’s been a lifetime of her criticising me, not taking accountability and every time I stick up for myself she compares me to her abusive older sister. I’m so over this. I’m a worse person when she’s around.

I’ve booked a flight home for me and DD this morning leaving in a few hours. Currently sitting in our adjoining hotel room waiting until it’s late enough for me to leave for the airport with DD and not hang around there too long.

I am in my late 30s and feel sick inside at the thought of “defying” my mother. But I’m also sick of her and I’m a worse person when I’m around her.

I don’t know what I’m seeking here, I’m not a dramatic person, I have never “defied” my mother before but AIBU for deciding I’m an adult with free will, mother to my own child and I can make decisions that upset my mother? She’s done a real number on me.

I guess you have travelled and are home safely.

Hindsight and all that... You are a single parent and have cut short a holiday with your DD. I would have ignored your mum and spent time doing things with DD to enjoy the holiday and make the best of it rather than go home and sulk.

A converted needs to happen once you are all home and boundaries set. You are an adult and need to establish a relationship of equals.

It’s not about the croissant . The croissant was the last straw

I totally get the croissant was an example of the multiple criticisms, but if

My relationship with my mother has deteriorated steadily in recent years, especially since I became a mum
and
I could go on but it’s been a lifetime of her criticising me, not taking accountability and every time I stick up for myself she compares me to her abusive older sister. I’m so over this. I’m a worse person when she’s around.

It seems an odd decision to have chosen to go on holiday with them at all.

I agree with @BlueMum16 just above this post.

Hi everyone, thanks for the comments and advice. I should have clarified, “croissant gate” was not the only incident (but lol at the name, I needed a good laugh!).

Too many incidents throughout my life to mention but to give one concrete recent example, the reason I’m a single mum is that ex-DH went out drinking constantly while I was pregnant, clubbing until 7am, rolling in wasted and pissing in our bedroom. He also visited sex workers and constructed an STD (real nice guy). Anyway, during a discussion that turned into an argument a few months ago where I tried to tell my mother that she isn’t always right, that I don’t feel safe around her and that she is overly critical of me, she told me I deserved the behaviour from ex DH and she didn’t blame him because I’m such a nightmare. I’m afraid I shit you not, these words were spoken to me and I lessened my contact greatly with her after that.

This holiday was an attempt to have nice family time with my parents and DD, who adores my dad especially. During the holiday my mother took every opportunity to criticise my parenting. When I would reply that I must have learned these behaviours from somewhere and cited specific examples, she accused me of false memories, something she has accused me as my brother of for years.

I did indeed leave the holiday and am glad I did so. As I walked out she screamed that I can dish it out but can’t take it (irony). That I am like her abusive older sister. That next time I should go on holiday with my partner and see how he likes putting up with me. And finally, as I walking out the door when 2 year old DD, she screamed “bitch bitch bitch” repeatedly until the door shut.

When I got home I called my brother who lives near me. He suffered a lot of physical abuse from her when he was a child, but I also get that it was the early 80s, my brother had undiagnosed ADHD and in those days it was a “spare the rod spoil the child” mentality. But we both agreed we are hyper critical of ourselves, anxious, easily manipulated and and bossed around and feel responsible for our mother’s emotions and deeply guilty at any action we feel she might disapprove of.

This is the context to my decision. I have been in therapy steadily since my marriage broke down with DD was 10 weeks old and this and becoming a mum has opened my eyes. My mother isn’t all bad, no one is. But I cannot tolerate this behaviour, allow it to be modelled in front of my daughter or allow the anxiety continue to overwhelm my nervous system. So I am deciding to step back.

Thanks all again, and for those who have had similar or worse situations, I hope you find or continue to find peace.

As to why I went on holiday with my mother: as other posters have recognised, this is 38 years of me attempting a positive relationship with her. A fawn response to win affection and praise from my mother, and an attempt to prove to myself that I have a “normal” family. I know I don’t, but the denial has been strong for a long time because I’ve tried so hard.

So the truth is, this is an entire lifetime of me trying to appease my mother and make her happy and proud. I hope that puts croissant gate (lol) and the reason I even went on holiday in more context. And those who dint understand at all: I envy you, seriously. Cherish your mums.

Well done for breaking the cycle @graygoose! You have started to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

NC with my mother of a similar ilk was the best thing I ever did after years of trying to repair a relationship that should have ended the second I left home. Your little girl deserves a happy mum.

Is your DM still living in your house and do you still live in the house next to your parents house?

As a mother I am horrified at the things your mother has said to you. My heart goes out to you. With your daughter you will break this cycle. Sending you hugs.

She moved out after telling me I deserved ex-DHs behaviour. I still live near them but am actively looking to move, in touch with agents. Where I live (not the UK) renting is more common so it’s easier for me to move and the lease is up soon.

Also I’m not financially reliant on my parents, I actually earn a lot more than them. My dad helps with DDs school run but I can make other arrangements. Ironically my relationship with ex DH is pretty positive because I look at the bigger picture of what’s best for DD, so he helps out too (obviously nowhere near what a full time dad would but it still helps). My entanglement with my parents is more emotional than financial or practical. Again, a lifetime of me seeking approval. Oh well!

I definitely get the sentiment and it’s the kind of thing I would say to someone else myself. But I hope you see from my posts above why a relationship of equals is literally impossible here. I have tried since I became a legal adult and 20 years later it’s probably become worse.

I consider myself a very accountable person, if there is any way I can blame myself I find it. But this also means I’m self aware (or try to be) and listen to other sides of the story and even criticisms of me. I’m a lawyer so critical thinking is a big component of my job. As I’ve matured I have found my mother’s irrationality increasingly frustrating and impossible to reconcile. And trust me, I have tried. But unless you agree completely with her, do not criticise her or hold it accountable and enable every thought and behaviour she has, she will blow up. To me that’s not a rational basis to establish a relationship of equals, because however much I may want that, she clearly does not.

I have an overly critical, frequently cruel mother and can relate to the need to continue to please for approval and to build the facade that I have a normal family. I have in the last 18 months or so realised I cannot do this anymore and have taken a massive step back. I still feel occasional bouts of guilt for this - a whole life of being trained to not upset her - but they are lessening as I accept that I can't magic up a normal, loving mother. Wishing you and your daughter well OP

Have you met the “but we took you to stately homes” thread? It’s incredible for anyone who has a narcissistic mother. The love you seek is not with her. As my therapist once astutely said, my love for my narcissistic mother was “pearls before swine”

It’s a shame to lose contact with your dad/daughter’s grandad over this. Can you have a relationship with him away from your mum, or are they too entwined?

I think you are wrong about the 1980s being spare the rod, spoil the child. My children were small then and it was definitely not the case. I only mention this because it can read as though you're making an excuse for your mother - 'it wasn't her fault as it was the way things were then'.

Nope.

Yanbu
I put up with a lifetime of my parents arguing constantly in front of me.
They did it once in front of my eldest daughter and I left the house telling them they were never to do it in front of me or her ever again.
Sometimes things just suddenly come into sharp focus.

Thank you, my mother told me this was the case and she also used to hit me (I’m a bit younger than my brother so it was the 90s by this time). I always thought it was super normal and yes, I have been making excuses for her. Thanks for your insight.

I hope I can once things calm down. My DD adores him and I don’t have any issue with him. He is an enabler and sits in silence while my mother spews her venom, but he has never said or done anything like that to me. I’m hoping I can still involve him with DD without making life difficult for him at home. Good thing for him is he learned to block my mother out years ago so I suspect if she screams and rages at him about this he would simply grey rock her. But I don’t want her to use him to wriggle her way back in. And I would like to keep his relationship more focused on DD than myself, a bit like how it is with my ex DH now.

I get your relationship with your dad is better. But you need to remember that he allowed your mother to abuse his children. It’s just as bad as her behaviour.

I've been no contact with my parents for 2 years now and it was the best decision I made for myself and my son.
My family were toxic and had always used me when it suited them, isolated me and generally not been 'parents'. The last straw came on holiday where they had started to treat my son in the same way with a hugely recognisable difference between how they treated him V their other grandchildren.
You will feel strange and at odds with yourself because ultimately it doesn't matter how old you get you still want your parents approval but it doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing. It's also not about the argument on holiday it's about the years leading up to it, this was just the final straw. Exactly the same happened to me!

Ask yourself these things: will she ever listen enough to sort the relationship out in a meaningful way? Is there any accountability on her part? Do you want your DD to be treated in the same way as she grows up by her grandmother? You'll know deep down if things can ever be prepared and if the answer is no take a deep breath and walk away.

my confidence has blossomed now I no longer have my mothers toxic voice judging everything I do. Do I miss them occasionally, sure but there was no way my son was growing up in the same environment I did.

I think the fact that you use the word 'defying' is telling and sums up how she makes you feel - like a bad child, disobedient... It sounds like you've had a lifetime of abuse. But it's lovely that you have a close relationship with your brother and can talk so openly with him about it. I hope it felt freeing walking away from her, I'm sure the adrenaline was pumping away but I hope you felt some relief. You should feel proud of protecting yourself, and your little one.

@graygoose op you have finally got to the point of walking away from an abusive relationship . Of course you should
go on that plane. Also block your mother and stray getting on with your life. Seek some counseling and focus on you and your dd . It’s never even to walk from a parent . You are doing nothing wrong though . Your mother won’t change.

Well shit that just about blew my mind 😂 but seriously, it’s wild what a blind spot you can have for your own parents, especially because you love them and try to excuse their behaviour. But yeah as an outsider wtf

First of all, well done - our stories are eerily similar. I’m hopeful I can move forward without constantly wondering what my mother will think, which has been a constant background noise in my head my entire life. I’m afraid of being overweight because she always called herself fat and I internalised that so much I equate being overweight (for me, not anyone else) with a moral failure. Which is nuts.

She also disapproves of my partner who is younger than me and that has made me self conscious. Looking forward to just living my life.

Going on holiday with someone who is as you describe is ridiculous. Even if you want to forge a closer relationship, holiday is very much not the place to do it. You are too on top of each other, with each other all day every day, having to potentially compromise on activities etc. Days out, visits to each other’s home etc is more than enough to try to get closer. So I have relatively little sympathy that the holiday with the known nightmare mother turned out to be a nightmare.

I’m a daddy’s girl and wanted to go nc with my mother due to her shitty behaviour. However, he was exactly as @JayJayj describes-an enabler who wanted a quiet life so allowed her to carry on (alcoholic). It’s worth thinking about. He’s allowed her to abuse you and your brother because he can’t be bothered to stand up to her.