AIBU to leave holiday early after my mother criticised my parenting?

[graygoose]

Background: I’m a single mum on holiday with my parents and 2 year old, a one hour flight away from where we live (not in the UK). My relationship with my mother has deteriorated steadily in recent years, especially since I became a mum. I see how toxic her behaviour to me and my brother really was (brother is now no contact with her) but she sits there and criticises my parenting. This morning at breakfast buffet DD dropped her croissant on the floor. I picked it up and told her I’ll get her a new one, go sit with grandparents. She’s 2 so she had a mini meltdown because she wanted to carry the croissant herself. My mother tells me I shamed DD, not realising the irony in saying that statement to her own daughter!

I could go on but it’s been a lifetime of her criticising me, not taking accountability and every time I stick up for myself she compares me to her abusive older sister. I’m so over this. I’m a worse person when she’s around.

I’ve booked a flight home for me and DD this morning leaving in a few hours. Currently sitting in our adjoining hotel room waiting until it’s late enough for me to leave for the airport with DD and not hang around there too long.

I am in my late 30s and feel sick inside at the thought of “defying” my mother. But I’m also sick of her and I’m a worse person when I’m around her.

I don’t know what I’m seeking here, I’m not a dramatic person, I have never “defied” my mother before but AIBU for deciding I’m an adult with free will, mother to my own child and I can make decisions that upset my mother? She’s done a real number on me.

I personally wouldn’t have gone home as I’m stubborn and would feel like she’s won.

But I would distance myself from her in the future.

It’s hard when you’re a single parent but you need to reduce the support because else she’ll still treat you like a child.

You sound lile you've simply had enough of her. Maybe its time you told her a few home truths and leave the ball in her court.
Surely she doesn't want to risk losing her relationship with another of her children?
How is your Dad. Could you try to speak to him perhaps?

Tell me you've never been treated like shit by your mum without telling me...

Op it sounds like the croissant was the straw that broke the camel's back. Absolutely fly home early. Will give you (both) space.

Safe flight!

You are doing the right thing.
Never put yourself in this position again.
As simple as that.

Never go on holiday with people you don't like.
You might be better posting in the Stately Homes thread, as you can see, people who don't have abusive parents don't understand.
I have no contact with my abusive parent and the peace is heavenly.

I would have stayed to enjoy the holiday but just do meals etc away from them

I'm sure you're doing the right thing OP, seems like the fog is clearing and you're starting to see just how much she hurts you.

By coincidence I had a similar experience with my mum on the weekend. It had been a while since we'd been together not in a larger group. Jesus Christ the insults kept coming thick and fast like she'd been saving them up!

I realised she had always been like this and I was seeing it with fresh eyes, having been removed from it for a period of time. Also my dc were there and she started on them.

I am never going to spend time with her without another adult present ever again. I won't subject myself to it anymore and I won't risk my boys being damaged the way dsis and I were.

It's tough as a single mum when love is thin on the ground, but sadly there isn't and never was any love available from her.

I’d agree to distance yourself but leaving the holiday was a bit ott (sorry)- ye could have gone off and done something yourselves. Now the rest of the year you’ll be gnashing your teeth that the holiday was ruined when you could have salvaged it

I don't know. Over the years, I flounced and argues with my mum many a time and don't get me wrong, she was pretty useless when I was a kid at times. Sometimes looking back, I overreacted and sometimes she was goady. But now she is older and frailer, I feel very different. I want her to stay in my lufe as ling as possible and I realise I won't have her soon. Our relationship is amazing now, all the old shit has sort of dimmed and we both relish our time and close relationship. I think there is a crossroads where you either put up with the fact your mum is a pain in the arse and stand up to it when needed and let the smaller stuff go or you just decide to walk away and call it quits. I too have flown away from my mum, cutting visits short in the past. Looking back now, it seems a bit over the top and most of mine were the croissant that broke the camels back type things. If you want to continue, you probably have to start putting something in too. Don't let a toddler or a croissant decide though, both are unreliable witnesses.

How will you feel in approx 30 years when your daughter does the same?

You are on ' the wrong side of the door' and feeling awful. The other side of the door is different- you are about to walk through.....On a more positive note: I ve been through this CR ** myself. Don't worry as its very common in family dynamics; A person in authority feels inadequate and has to feel better by discrediting someone else !!!!! It happens in families too !!!!! Go get that Flight - To - Peace. Don't be too hard on yourself. When you get home : put your phone on SILENT. Your relationship with your parents are changing because you've seen the light. In my case; my parents have passed on but my sister is ' trying ' to continue the abuse ( that my parents started) and I've blocked her out of my life now. I hope you continue to gain clarity. And B.T. W. a little counselling will help in gaining MORE clarity.

The incident you describe (your mum saying you shamed your daughter) doesn’t merit leaving a holiday early. It sounds as if there must be more context but you don’t give any examples.
Personally I would accept you have different parenting styles, see this holiday out and then not go on any more holidays together, rather than create a huge rift.

(I get on exceptionally well with my parents, but we’ve not done holidays together since I was about 15. Perhaps that’s why we get on!)

I think mentioning the croissant here was a mistake!

I can tell how scared you are of her OP, you mention that a couple of times. Standing up for yourself, or even removing yourself, feels like defying her and is hard.

I recommend a new thread in Relationships with a longer description of her behaviour, if you're up to it.

Some people have no idea what it’s like to cope with a toxic parent, not only during childhood but long afterwards.

You aren’t unreasonable. Protect your peace ❤️

I haven't seen my dm since 2012 for similar reasons op.

Life is so much better.

So sorry you're having a miserable time OP, your mum sounds difficult. I am certain you used the croissant as an example if the constant type of interjection she makes, and I doubt it is the only thing she has said this holiday that's annoyed you.
If you can, I'd look at some therapy. You need to be able to look calmly and objectively go through it all with someone and get some support;

• to feel confident in yourself and your decisions and know her opinion doesn't define you and shouldn't matter to you
• to work our what relationship you want with her and your dad and what boundaries to put in place
• to confidently be able to and have a plan to, address those boundaries with her and hold them

I don't personally like no contact unless it's really important/essential for safety and wellbeing. It might be what you need to do, but it feels like at the moment her opinion carries a lot of weight with you and she holds a lot of power over you. I wonder, with some support, if you'll be able to reframe the criticism and opinions as a reflection of her, not you. It really doesn't matter if she says or thinks you're a bad parent, or if she thinks you're doing things wrong or don't look the way she wants - all those things are just reflections of her own insecurities, maybe she is jealous of your parenting or your relationship with your dd (given she must know you and she aren't close). It's important to know she won't change, and you can't get her to, but you can change how you feel when she behaves that way and how you act. It might be that you stop seeing her, or you might be able to have a relationship that works for you better. I do think working out boundaries is a good idea, I'm not sure how you thought this holiday would go - but holidays are intense and even close/happy friends and family fall out on them. I'd suggest working out with a therapist or in your own head, why you thought it would be a good idea? Did they pay for it and is that one of the ways they keep you close/hold power over you- do you need to disentangle yourself from that? Or do you constantly hope that she will change or become nicer in certain situations? I think puzzling some of these things out will help you avoid being put in this position again with them. Good luck

ON MN we always here only one side of the story. Do we take it the holiday was paid by your parents? Since you are holidaying with them, despite your mum being so awful that your brother is nc with her now?
Maybe if you don't want your mum to criticise you and your parenting, as if you were a little girl, be an adult and pay for your own holiday, or better still, pay for your own, your dc and your parents holiday, and then you can say 'Hey, I don't need your advice or criticism, I am able to live and pay for our holidays, aren't I'? But I think your parents would not criticise you if you take them on holiday with you, paid by you.

What a lovely nuanced post - thank you for sharing

Sounds like the breakfast comment was the last straw in a long cycle of abuse I’ve comments. Walk away, hold up your head, emulate your brother. I went NC with my entire family over 40 years ago and have not regretted it for a moment. Have a good flight. Oh block her number on all channels.

This quote can’t be real such an OTT comment when you clearly didn’t read the OP where she said it was after a ‘life time of criticism’ clearly - obviously - the straw that broke the camels back.

The OP is having a tough time please take time to read properly before offering unhelpful comments.

I get it. As pp said, it’s the hope that for just once you can have a nice time without pulling everything you do to pieces. Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back
take some time to think about what you are getting from spending time with her, mother or not life is too short to spend time with someone who makes you miserable.
hope you have a safe journey home x

100% reasonable. First time I started defying 'controlling' people in my life, I was a young teenager and never looked back. Do what's best for you.

On the basis that I am inferring that CroissantGate is clearly the last in a lifetime list of incidents and micro-aggressions, the tipping point, I think you are right to remove yourself - and to maybe consider going NC when you get home. I did that around your age, when getting married and thinking about starting a family, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done.

I would recommend having some counselling as soon as you get home though because your experience will shape your relationship with your child - not the repeating patterns, but the way fear of being like your mum/grappling to do things differently without a functional template, means you may find your self parenting anxiously, unconfidently and/or fearfully. (Typing from experience). Really helps to address your demons and get some support learning positive parenting strategies while DC is so young.

OP - I would ask to move this to Relationships
This thread is full of people with lovey parents who think you had one small incident and don't understand the dynamic of how you can keep putting yourself in situations where you desperately hope your mother might be better this time.

For what it's worth, good for you for seeing the toxic dynamic when your daughter is still young enough that she doesn't have to exposed to it. Taking the first step is the hardest thing, but remember how felt today when your mother comes back and tells you how you are being oversensitive and ridiculous.