AIBU to refuse family use of our home for holidays?

[SayingNoToFamily]

I'm really cross about this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Please help me mumsnetters. I have name changed in case this is outing. Sorry, it is long, so as to avoid a drip feed.

Back story, until very recently we owned a holiday house (just sold it this month). Half of the house belonged to me and DH and the other half was owned by DH parents. We bought our half off another relative and have owned our half for a long time, approximately 20 years.

The house is in a holiday location and has been used by DH siblings (and their partners and school aged children) as a holiday home for all of that time. They never offered any money for their stay. We didn't use it very often as we were not living in that country until a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately it appears that DH siblings viewed the house as something they were entitled to use, rather than a privilege. Obviously their parents also owned half of the house, which makes a difference to how they viewed it. On some occasions the house was left dirty after the siblings had used it and when we arrived to use it we had to clean it. They have also used it without asking, as they all have a key.

We now live in a different holiday location, about 3 hours drive away from the house, so don't need to go there for holidays anymore. But more importantly we have never rented the house, so we didn't ever benefit financially, but it cost us money in terms of maintenance. This is the reason for wanting to sell.

DH siblings have had many years of free holidays, at our expense, mainly during school holidays, when accommodation is expensive. Sadly for them with the sale of the house this has now come to an end.

There is a school holiday coming up here very soon. We as a family (me, DH and our DCs) are going overseas for the holidays, meaning our main house (our permanent family home) will be empty. One of DH siblings, who would usually go to the holiday home, has messaged him to say she doesn't know how she's going to entertain her DCs over the holiday and asking if our house is on offer to them.

I am really annoyed about this. It feels like after years and years of having free holidays in the holiday house at our expense, they now want to use our own home as an alternative.

I don't want them to use it. I don't want the stress of having to get our house ready for guests when we we're already preparing for our own trip. I dont like the idea of other people using our home when were not there. But also I think this is really cheeky and they seem to expect us to still be responsible for providing them with a free holiday.

I think allowing them to use our own house now is effectively sending the message to them that this is now their holiday home, as a replacement and sets a precedent that whenever we are away they can use it. AIBU to not want them to use it?

DH does sort of agree with me on this, however instead wants to tell them they can come to ours when we are there for a 'beach holiday'. Whilst I don't have a problem with then coming to stay for a couple of days when we're here, I don't think he should be starting to offer them 'beach holidays ' in our house at this point, being so close to the sale of the holiday house, as in my opinion it's still giving them the impression that we're responsible for providing them with holidays.

Any advice welcome. Thanks for reading!

Don’t go down the road of being their new holiday home!! If they had waited for an invitation, I’d say maybe, but assuming that your family home is on offer is just cheeky.

You’ll regret it if you start as it sounds like there’s more than one sibling. You’ll be running a hotel!

Ofcourse you’re not being unreasonable. You just have to think of a gentle but firm way of saying ‘no this doesn’t work for you’.

In the future, don’t tell others your holiday plans.

YANBU. The holiday home is one thing, but that’s gone now. This is your actual home, not an AirBNB that they won’t even pay for. Completely unacceptable. It’s an awkward conversation to have but honestly they should be ashamed of their audacity, you shouldn’t be ashamed for setting boundaries.

Why gentle?, sure i wouldn't be rude but this women have to act like a kitten thing mn seems to encourage is weird

Maybe say sorry don’t feel comfortable having people in home whilst we’re away but would be lovely to see you soon

i wouldn’t invite them to a beach holiday at yours - you’ll be in danger of setting precedent

theres that helpful phrase about checking dates in calendar and you’ll get back to them about a visit! Calling it a holiday sounds like you’ll be running after them all!

Just say no.

Yanbu how rude!!

One of DH siblings, who would usually go to the holiday home, has messaged him to say she doesn't know how she's going to entertain her DCs over the holiday and asking if our house is on offer to them

Treat it as a joke and when they get sniffy tell then you thought they must have been joking and sorry but you're not renting out your home as an air bnb. Leave it at that and don't engage further.

Duckduck, I think DSil won't want to rent OP's house, she will expect it free!
Her DC's would love a rummage through their cousins stuff, let alone yours, and if they previously left the cottage messy OP would be crazy to go along with this.
DH needs to say absolutely not! It will be the thin end of the wedge.

I know that, you know that and they know that but going back with the assumption that they will want to rent it helps put across how ridiculous the request is in the first place!

Beggars can’t be choosers. Of course you are not going to let they stay at your family home, there will be no one replying here who has ever heard of such an arrangement. You’ve effectively created a situation where you are the government and these relations are the welfare claimants. Deliver a hard NO!

Absolutely not OP - nip this in the bud right now!

Definitely keep your boundaries with this. It should be up to your DH to tell them. Them staying for a few days is one thing but the last thing you want is someone else in your house all school holidays and never cleaning up after themselves which is what will happen if you do this. Some people are just freeloaders and that sounds like them.

100% No. Some people are so bloody entitled. All these years of free holidays and not a 'We need to do something nice for SayingNo to thank them'. Just CF behaviour asking for more.

It's your home, not a holiday home the answer is no'

ita definetly a no for me forever.

and what does she mean can’t occupy dc over the break? They are her children and she can’t manage them? What does she think the dc would be doing at your home that would be so very entertaining?

and its still a no just curious as to how entertaining your house is.

Eh what, of course YANBU. They are cheeky fuckers of the highest order. Just say no that's not possible, it's not happening. Please assert yourself and don't let this happen.

Now it's time to mess with them a little. Next time they visit you, I'd be leaving shit marks in the toilet pan, dirty laundry washing everywhere and pile the dirty dishes all over your kitchen. You need to show them your house isn't a great option for a holiday home!

I think your instincts are spot on. Would a message along the lines of

It’s a big change for everyone, but we really don’t want our home to become the next [Holiday Home]. You need to look around for a different solution for getaways.

work?

Next year, before they ask, you could invite them to stay for a long weekend (though wouldn’t use the words “beach holiday”). But I wouldn’t make that offer a part of your messaging about their current request.

How presumptuous and entitled. Did she not even ask if you were around that week as they were thinking of coming to the area and wondered if you were free for a visit?

You're not wrong to say no, but I think you will have to be clear that it's no forever, and not a "sorry, you can't this time because...", else you'll be making excuses every break.
It's a huge difference between a holiday home and your actual home!

Did you say you jointly owned the holiday home with your in-laws? Could they have told the siblings to go there whenever they wanted and treat it as their own?

Omg no no no

What an absolute cheek they have! It would be a resounding no.

Cheeky mare. All those years of free holidays at your expense and now she wants to use your permanent home, no bloody way. Tell her a definite No, no one will be staying at your home and make it clear that your home is not the new free holiday home. Also, do not let your feeble minded husband offer her a beach holiday at yours, this will set a terrible precedent for you and will mean a constant expectation and visits from her and possibly the other siblings.

Time to make it clear that the gravy train has ended for these free loaders and from now on they are responsible for paying for their own holidays.

The answer is unequivocally no.

Now you just have to decide how to deliver the answer.

For future requests I would begin gathering a list of recommendations so you could respond to similar requests: “Bob said you needed to book something for school holidays. Here are some local places that come highly recommended.”

But for this current cheeky situation, I’d just be honest “We decided that we are not going to offer for anyone to use our home as a holiday place. Its just doesn’t work for us.” Then silence, and let them talk. If they try to argue just repeat “It doesn’t work for us.”

They live over an hours drive away and we live in a popular tourist town (near to lots of other tourist towns) so if they were here they would be doing holiday stuff and visiting places they wouldn't normally go to, different walks, parks, cafes etc and we're near to a beach and they are not.

All previous school holidays they have used the holiday house, so that's kept their DC entertained. This is the first school holidays where they haven't had free accommodation, so she's obviously as a loss now. She could always book and pay for accommodation, like most other people have to do.

I agree, its definitely a no forever!

If they come to stay with you, it should be for a family visit. If that happens to be in a beautiful or fun location that is a bonus, but the focus should still be visiting family. Don’t encourage the habit of using your home for their holidays.

I'd be firm in my refusal, and I also agree with your instinct to not refer to any possible future visits from them as a 'beach holiday'. These are not the type of people to tiptoe around.

As the house was jointly owned, her own parents are equally responsible for her present lack of a free holiday home. She can go to them for sympathy and handouts, instead.

I'm glad you've decided not to entertain this. They aren't that far away; day trips are possible at that distance, or just a night or two in a hotel or airbnb to take advantage of the tourist towns without as much driving.

If they stay at yours without you, it will be treated like the holiday home was. No contribution, and it is very likely to be left a mess. Possibly even more so because they know you'll be coming home and would sort things out.

Staying with you there might be worse, as it's likely you would be expected to feed them (on their schedule and your dime) and clean up after them.

I hope your husband stays firm. If he doesn't, he should take responsibility for getting everything ready and cleaning up afterwards. Same for hosting.

How many siblings are there? I can't even imagine the expectation of doing this for one, and if it's done for one, the others will expect it.

I agree with @Ponderingwindow as well.