To not let my younger daughter lend her sister the money for school trip?

[OneSunnyGreenTurtle]

My 14 year old is going on a three day school trip to London next week. I have been paying for it in instalments since the beginning of the year and have finally managed to get the main cost paid. She is really looking forward to it and has been talking about it for months. But the school has now sent a message saying they need to bring money for food, drinks and an evening activity which isn’t included. Apparently most of the children are taking at least £50. My daughter says she will be the only one without it and is getting very upset about the whole thing.

I work part time in a supermarket and get Universal Credit. Money is tight at the moment and I honestly haven’t got £50 spare. I have told her I can give her £15 and pack some food for her, but she says her friends will all be buying things throughout the day and she will be embarrassed taking a packed lunch. She also says the evening activity is something they are all doing and she doesn’t want to sit in the hotel while everyone else goes. I do understand that she wants to fit in, but I have already paid for the trip itself and can’t just magic up another £50. I have said she needs to be grateful she is going at all, which probably wasn’t the most helpful thing to say.

My younger daughter is 10 and has been saving for a new phone. She has a little tin in her bedroom and has about £80 in it from birthdays, Christmas and money relatives have given her. She has been saving for ages and keeps looking at phones online. Anyway she overheard me and her sister talking about the trip and offered to lend her £30. She said she doesn’t mind and can save it up again, and that she wants her sister to have a nice time. She wasn’t being forced or anything, she came out with it herself. But I said no straight away and told her that her money was hers and she didn’t need to pay for her sister’s school trip.

This is where it has all kicked off really. My older daughter said that her sister had offered and I was being unfair by stopping her. She said she would pay her back when she gets her birthday money, although that isn’t until next year. I said that isn’t really the point and that a 10 year old shouldn’t be lending her savings to make up for what I can’t afford. She called me mean and said I was making her feel guilty for wanting to go on the trip. I know she is disappointed but I don’t think it is unreasonable to say no. I don’t want her thinking that because her sister has some savings, she can just use them whenever she wants something.

My younger daughter is now upset with me too. She keeps saying she offered because she wanted to and that I have made it into a big thing. She has even asked if she can give her sister the money without telling me, which obviously isn’t happening. The girls were getting on quite well before this but now they are arguing about it. My older one says her sister doesn’t mind and my younger one says I am stopping her doing something kind. I don’t want either of them feeling responsible for the other’s money problems, if that makes sense. But I also don’t want to make my eldest feel like she can’t have the same experiences as her friends.

The school has said they can bring packed lunches, and the evening activity is an extra thing they have arranged while they are in London. I don’t think the school has offered any financial help, although I haven’t actually asked them directly yet. I could email and explain the situation, but I feel embarrassed doing that after managing to pay the main trip cost. My daughter says everyone has been told to bring spending money and that the teachers won’t want to hear about it. I don’t know how much of that is actually true. She has also said she will just go without food rather than take what I pack, which is worrying me.

AIBU to refuse to let my younger daughter lend her sister the money? Should my older daughter just accept that she can’t have the extras and go with the £15 I can afford, or should I be asking the school about help? I don’t want to take the trip away from her because she has been looking forward to it, but I can’t afford to keep adding money to it. And I don’t think it is right for a 10 year old to feel she needs to help pay for her sister’s school trip, even if she has offered. What would you do?

Hi. This is a great sister bond for them to have that she’s willing to do that for her. Will she be able to pay her back at all? I’m sorry you’re in the position you’re in, this country is awful at the moment. Maybe let the two sisters have their moment. I know me and mine did this forever and still do it now in our late 30s early 40s xxxx

Of course teenagers would need extra spending money. I'm sure the basic meals are provided but if she fancies an ice-cream or cake with her friends, a trinket from the museum. It's not at all surprising.
OP I hope you are okay. I can see you put your heart into paying for the trip.

OP I think you should look to extend your hours at work slightly and work an extra hour a day. Surely you don't need to be home for 3? Most year 6's in my DD10 class are left alone for an hour or so either before or after school. I know it won't help with this trip but may help release some financial pressure.

OP if it makes you feel better I once had to find £200 for a trip. I had assumed like a previous trip meals would be included in the price they weren’t.

anyhow you lend the money off younyounger daughter and pay her back £10 every month. Tell older daughter she won’t be getting any treats or anything until it’s all paid back. You’re making more of this than it needs to be.

I agree @OneSunnyGreenTurtle I’d try to establish the facts from the school.

• what is included in the cost of the trip and what isn’t
• how much spending money do they recommend bringing (I’d not listen to your daughter saying £50 as kids exaggerate so much)
• what help they can offer either in terms of providing food or cutting your daughter’s costs

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if most food is covered and you need to find far less money than you think, so do try not to worry til you’ve had some straight answers to the above. And well done for providing this opportunity for your daughter, you sound like a really lovely parent.

Your youngest is an absolute credit to you OP. X

Can the relatives who have previously given money to your DDs afford to give your dd1 £15 or £20 each (if there are 2 of them, say). Otherwise I would explain the situation to the school and ask if the cost of the evening activity can be covered by them/any funds they keep for people under financial strain.

Please dm me your bank details as I would be very happy to send your daughter the money to cover this cost.

I always have - because I'm not thick as pigshit.

Definitely let her borrow the money and you or other parent pay it back. Vinted is a good idea.

You must be absolutely deluded to think teachers are paying to take other people's children on a residential. Why on earth do you think they should give up their free time, provide numerous nights of free childcare, not get any additional pay other than their standard salary for school hours and then pay for the privilege to do so? I wouldn't even do it for free and I would laugh at the idea of paying to do it!

You sound like an overthinker, but also a lovely Mum and your younger daughter offering help to her sister shows how well you’re doing.
do ask the school - I am on the PTA of ours and we raise money for exactly this situation (the school has control of it though so can hopefully sort it out). Don’t feel embarrassed either. You’re in a rough situation, with minimal help and are making it work. Head high 👍

TBH the mind boggles why with children that age you believe you can’t work full time? I get it’s difficult - but where there is a will there is a way and they are certainly old enough to be left for an hour or two to enable you to work additional hours

Of course she is no good with money. She never has any. Kids need pocket money to learn. Managing money is a life skill. Pocket money with a condition of saving X% for bigger things etc. You do need to find a way to afford that. At their ages, you don’t need to be home for them finishing. They can manage a few hours.

Can you ask the school to help/pta?

I would let the younger dd lend the older one the money and I'd repay the younger one. I work part time and have only recently closed my uc claim as dd3 has just gone to university. I have begged and borrowed lots of times to ensure dd3 has not missed out.

It's so tough when these last minute costs get added on isn't it. I think it's amazing that your youngest daughter is offering to lend her big sister the money. Do they get along? Personally I don't see anything wrong with this, it's actually something I teach my children to do is divide their money into what they want to spend, save, give or invest. Sounds like your youngest is taking something out of her savings to give to her sister, that's a lovely use of her money. I presume big sister will pay her back when she can and if not then your youngest will learn that she needs to be cautious about lending money. I know it might not sound fair if that happens - but would be better to learn that lesson now with £30 than when older with £300

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Oh dear, I appreciate you were trying to do the right thing but now upset both your girls . This was a loan, not a gift and what an amazing young lady she is. It’s wrong that the school didn’t inform you earlier but unfortunately £50 isn’t about the going rate . You need to sit them down and explain that it was a reaction because you felt awful that you simply didn’t have the cash available there an then and you appreciate the kind offer and that you are fortunate to have such a brilliant daughter and it will be paid back and say to both, this is an example of families supporting each other, it will be paid back and as a little extra thanks when it’s paid up you’ll buy/make a cake so you can all just have a nice little celebration together for sisters.

I’m skint too but hell would freeze over before I let my child not be included , you lend it off your kind younger child and you pay it back , can your 14 year old not watch the younger one while you pick up a few extra hours at work

School should be helping you from your daughter's pupil premium. The whole point of it is to support children from low income families to take part in activities like the other children. It is for individual children. So ask them how her pp is spent & say you want her to be able to participate fully. The school has put on an extra activity. They have a duty to make sure she can participate. Speak to the Governor responsible for PP if you have to. Grrrr.

What a lovely younger daughter you have. You must be really proud of her. And also they must have a wonderful relationship for her to think of her older sister like this.

Let your younger daughter lend it, and you repay her, even if it's just £5-£10 a month.
It's sad but money just doesn't go far anymore, £5 is almost like the new £1.

Don't feel too bad though, it is what it is. I'm sure that it will be esteem worthy for your youngest and a bonding moment for them both.

If you would feel comfortable sharing your PayPal, I would be happy to chip in £5 for your daughter.

Don’t be ridiculous when my kids went to London the school capped the spending money at a certain amount so everyone had the same

Stop beating yourself up, OP. As parents we all try our best

now, allow your eldest to borrow from your youngest. It’s a lovely gesture, your youngest will feel proud and happy, and your eldest will get to do it all. Win win.

i think youre allowing your own self insecurities to say no to your youngest. I mean it kindly and I think loads of parents would do the same. Just step back and allow the youngest to help.

in the mean time, sort with the youngest how you will pay her back. A tenner a month? She’s no where near the total cost of the phone yet so it’ll take a lot longer so it isn’t needed in a rush. Even a fiver a month. Give her a big cuddle and give yourself one for raising such a lovely girl.