Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

You mustn't beat yourself up, that only puts you in an even more disempowered position. Get angry, fire yourself up, back yourself!

And we might be strangers on the internet but we're also a community of women with a lot of life experience behind us, it's a sensible place to ask for advice.

He's happy to upset YOU though!

Where is the money from the house sale?

He needs to demonstrate his love through actions rather than empty words

Yes you are as when he dies his family will kick you out immediately anf you will be homeless you need to either buy yourself somewhere or rent somewhere, if he loved you he would make a will leaving it to you, he clearly doesnt love you and is using you and your money, tell him he makes a will to leave you the house if he doesnt have kids or you are moving out

Is he really lovely, kind, and caring though? He is extremely avoidant, shouts at you, and isn’t in the slightest bit concerned about leaving you destitute should he die before you. In comparison to your husband, perhaps he’s a step up?

Why you’d sell your house to move in with anyone at that age blows my mind but that’s fine now.

i don’t actually see an issue with you to continue to live with him. All of the bills you are paying you’d have to pay any what and they would be a lot more and there is no mortgage to pay. Yes your kinda stuck with him but that’s the outcome of your decision of moving in with him.

you need to get a job and keep saving so that if you did break up then you can buy somewhere else. Although this depends upon your definition of your large deposit. I wouldn’t be spending a penny on his house he doesn’t want to commit to you so don’t you spend money on nothing that isn’t going to benefit you long term.

He doesn’t sound that kind! He sounds like he’s shouted at you about the renovations you want and avoiding seeing the situation you are in that makes you vulnerable and he also refuses to talk about marriage. Not such a great catch.

This!!

I don't think you are both on the same page.

He has a paid off house which he plans to leave to his children (rightly).

You contribute half to living costs (rightly).

After your divorce it appears that you sold up, gave up your job, and have been living off savings and irregular income.

You have created this situation of financial dependancy yourself. You seem to think he owes you secure housing?

You've bounced from one man to another. Your boyfriend does not owe you what you seem to want.

If he was a woman, we'd all be advising her to get rid of her cocklodger and certainly not marry him.

Do you need to live with this man?
Avoiding grumpy ...oh is it worth it for a 50% less cost...i doubt it.
Keep looking for that job and move out.
Men and moods are very intolerable as we age.
Owe it to yourself to live securely!!

Absolutely. Sorry but he doesnt really care about you. He's very self-protective in a particularly selfish way. Pull the wool away from.your eyes..and leave. Find someone who does care.

What happened to the money from your house?

Why did you need to realise the equity in that if you were only paying bills and no mortgage when you moved in with him?

You can’t make someone marry you if they don’t want to and tbh he hardly sounds like a prince anyway

It's a terrible idea to rely on a man to ensure you are 'provided for' when you are in your early 50's and he has school aged children from a previous relationship.
Prioritise yourself, whatever that looks like.
You don't owe him a relationship, so if it's not working for you, move out.
If you want to stay, gain secure employment and continue adding to your savings, so you have an ever increasing amount to fall back on.
Some people will never marry a new partner when they have existing children. I don't think that's wrong, but it should be made clear before moving in together.

OP please buy yourself a place to secure your own future

He doesn't want to get married.
He doesn't want to move house.
He doesn't want to fix his house up.

He wants to carry on exactly as things are.

He has school aged kids and choosing not to marry you might well be the "right" thing for him to do.

You need to decide - assuming he will never marry you, do you want to stay in a relationship with him?

Financially - unless you have a chunky private or company pension then you are aging out of being able to get a 20 year mortgage so you may need to change your mindset to thinking about whether you would be able to afford to rent independently should the need arise.

Living together - the shower situation would be a dealbreaker for me. However there is a difference between bathroom falling apart - needing to replumb, retile, install new fittings - and being mouldy. The first is a big job that needs skills. The second needs a deep clean.

If you are scared to sit down with him and say that having friends to stay was a wake up call for you and your not willing to live like that. You know there will be disruption and cost but you need to live somewhere with basic level of comfort, convenience and hygiene and need to address the bathroom situation. And that if he disagrees then you will need to reassess your living situation.

If you can't have that discussion then there are bigger issues in the relationship.

He has school aged kids. He should not be proving he loves OP by leaving his house to her rather than his kids. OP has not contributed financially to his house.

Well then he needs to choose doesn’t he:

Give me security
I go get security

Time to decide.

Perhaps I'm against the grain but in his position. I wouldnt marry. Id want to keep my assets especially with school age kids.

Your also saying your not working so your living off your savings. This isnt a him problem its a you problem. It perfectly fine living together. Sort your own assets (it doesn't have to be property). If all.goes pear shaped tom you can walk away and rent

A bigger issue for me would him not keeping the house in good repair

He doesn't sound that nice OP

After 5 years he won't talk about arrangements if he dies. He won't discuss marriage. You once with him but are scared of bringing up issues in the house because he will shout. His communication sounds shit and it sounds like everything has to be on his terms or won't happen. I'm not sure that's very healthy.

Are you at least paying bills in proportion to earnings? If not then you're effectively subsidising him.

It also sounds like some of those bills are house related. If you're a lodger, yes you should pay for your share of electricity but I don't think you should be paying for example for half the costs of insurance to insure an asset you don't even own.

And for God's sake please stop offering to spend on a house and increase its value (paying half the bathroom) when he could kick you out straight after. That would be madness.

I do think overall if one person in the relationship says they have a problem with something, and the other says they don't care as are fine with it, there is an imbalance in the relationship. He seems to have all the power here because you moved into his.

I also agree with the posters that he's done nothing wrong. You have money, he has a house. You want security, he wants security. Why should yours trumps his?

If your current employment is insecure, you need to focus on making it secure. That's your responsibility long before his responsibility to secure your future.

Why do some women feel that men owe them security any more than women owe them security once they are no children in the picture any longer?

This is not going to happen.

He has TOLD you who he is and what he wants, and it’s not marriage & security with you. You need to stop daydreaming and listen to him.

Contributing to his bathroom would be your money down the drain. Let him live in squalor and you find your own place.

You’re not building a life together are you. He is happy to coast and have his bills paid. You are insecure and living in a shit hole.
His hurt and upset that you want to live separately isn’t your problem. That’s his problem to deal with. If he wants to deal with the issues like an adult and speak to you about buying into his property and then you investing money into things you want to to with it that’s an option. But if he’s unwilling to do that then you are in a road to nowhere except a huge financial hole.
do not spend money on his property unless you actually buy into it and go on the deeds.
other than that see what you can afford, look for work, save what money you have left and speak to lenders who are not high street lenders who will be better able to help you get on the ladder, or look at buying a small investment property in another area that you can rent out or some other assets like stocks and share ISAs or put the money in your pension so it’s secure and growing. Speak to a financial advisor and get some advice as pension savings are a better investment than property atm due to growth. Then rent somewhere yourself to live.
the worst thing you can do is to invest money into his property doing it up, every penny you spend is dead money to you.

He may be 'upset' but he can't have it both ways as you're also upset at the lack of stability and commitment. He either accepts you getting a small flat to help you feel more secure or he puts you on the deeds etc of the property you both live in and you become shared owners.
He can't have both... he either helps you to be stable and you share finances or you need to have your own safety net.

Yes, I'm afraid this is it OP. It's not just about your financial security, it's about the bigger picture: he does not respect your feelings.

I completely understand what it's like, after years of (an) abusive relationship(s), to feel enormous relief and gratitude at finding someone who is kind to us at last. But wolves come in different sheep's clothing and we are dimly aware that things are not right. You admit that things moved very quickly and you were acting on the back of a deeply damaging experience.

Don't beat yourself up. Focus on finding a small place of your own. You can do it! And then settle yourself in, make things how you want them, start from there. From a tiny seed, the most magnificent flowers grow! Cultivate your own self-care and you will thrive. In 5 years' time your life will feel much more comfortable. There is a lot of joy to be found in being alone and having things your own way. I think for people like us who are not used to it, we actually have to learn that first in order to be ready for any kind of relationship.

Good luck and don't be scared! This is what you must do, doctor's orders. Don't let him beat you down with shame.

Best comment.

I do not think you will get the security you need/want. He has children so presumably he's had a similar experience to you and had to re-build, and he has children who he prioritises.

So what next? I'd imagine securing a job / making sure you have a steady income is a big priority as this would open up your options more.

Stay - save the money you would be paying on rent and create a safety net that way.
Leave - buy/rent somewhere that is yours and still date
Leave - buy/rent start fresh