Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

'If he wanted to, he would'. So sorry, OP. He loves you (maybe) but won't improve how you live or help you with the financial security that's so important to you.

Can't you buy a fat and rent it out ? So your situ5stays the same but you have e a investment and also your own property for security .?

OP I’ve not read the full thread and can see some people have commented here in a similar vein. My view would be to say, you have no security of tenure with him as he won’t put your name on the deeds, you are basically his lodger. Buy your own property if you can, move out and regain your financial independence. You can then keep the relationship but you won’t be paying half his bills (and cleaning his house I bet).
don’t let men take advantage of you, he got a financial benefit from you living with him and the comfort of a wife like partner without putting himself out here didn’t he?

Declaring is not the same as doing. Does he have children that he is trying to protect by leaving them his property? I'm not sure why you moved in with him so quickly and why sell your property, renting it out wouldn't have made much money but would have given you security

Don't put money into a house that you don't own, with a man who won't commit to you. Although as you are living rent free, it could just be a contribution and something that will make you happier.

Get your full time job, then put aside the money you are saving in rent, and buy yourself a small property to rent out, so that you have something for the future. Just make sure that you put money aside for repairs and tax.

It is time for a serious talk with him. He doesn't have to get married if he doesn't want to. He could be worried about losing half of his house if you split up, but he needs to listen to your concerns too, and a decent man would do that.

Why would she be advised to carry on dating him? He shouted at her when she raised the poor state of the bathroom.

Get yourself out if there, OP, and build a life for yourself. He had no interest in building a life together, he just wants you to subsidise his bills.

U need to protect yourself and if he isn't willing to marry you or make a will you have to buy a flat for yourself and explain you feel vulnerable in the position your in !
And as for shouting at you about repairing a mouldy en suite he doesn't sound that nice op !!!

I’m sorry OP but I totally agree with this. This relationship also sounds abusive.
If you’re determined to keep a relationship with this man (although I really don’t know why you would) you should immediately be looking to buy somewhere of your own and move out. Spend your hard earned money on your own beautiful en-suite!

OP your bar was so low that just a bit of kindness and faux empathy has fooled you into thinking this man is worthy of you. He isn't.

Anyone who chooses to live with a mouldy bathroom when they have the means to rectify it, is lazy and tight. Choosing to live with a mouldy bathroom when they know if deeply upsets their partner (who has offered to contribute half) is selfish and doesn't care about them as much as you think he does. He is also making you feel that it isn't really 'YOUR' home - you are not getting 50% of the say in what happens - that's unsettling.

Of course he doesn't want you to get a flat - he's getting half the bills paid, sex on tap with zero effort.

The danger of your specific situation is waiting until you 'get a job' to do something. I am your age and am just starting a whole journey of looking in a whole new industry because my freelance work just pretty much dried up. I will get there, but it's slow. Don't be held back by something that will take so long it sucks the will out of you. There's always another way.

Get a job in a location that you prefer

Buy your own property

Why cant you live on your own ?

Secure your own future

He is hardly that lovely if he won’t make his home hygienic and pleasant - or treat it as a shared home. He is hardly that lovely if he won’t consider your long term security by marrying you or asset planning. He sounds controlling. You need to either have a very frank discussion about the fact that the current situation leaves you very vulnerable, or you need to properly invest in your own future - if not through property then through private pension, investments, equities etc. It is very silly
to allow a boyfriend this much control over what happens to you when he is done or dead.

He is not your knight in shining armour.

Be your own knight in shining armour.

He's avoidant. He shouts at you. He gets "upset" when you want to do something for yourself.

You're not stupid, he's controlling and manipulative.

Quietly get all of your ducks in a row and leave when you are in a better (less vulnerable) position to do so.

Best of luck! X

You def need security. My lovely friend was in a 25 year relationship with a man who she thought she would be with forever and he dumped her for a younger woman, she is entitled to nothing because they weren't married.

I know your situation is different but I'd go for own security every time.

I'm confused as to how you feel you've been disadvantaged financially? You've spent almost five years paying no rent or mortgage. I understand your work situation's not gone the way you'd like but that's not on him, and I'm unclear how you see splitting bills and food (surely the bare minimum of contribution) as entitling you to equity in his paid-off home? Especially when he has school-age children. I really believe the advice here would be massively different if the sexes were reversed.

Separately, and more importantly, though - it really doesn't sound like a happy relationship and your best bet is getting out on your own and building back up your own life without reliance on him.

I also think, that as far as he's able, he probably does love you.

But loving you and caring enough to be concerned about you in the event of his death are clearly completely different things.

If he won't protect you, you MUST take active steps to protect yourself.

Absolutely this.

He isn't "lovely", actions speak louder than words, his words are not those of someone who loves you.

You are basically a lodger paying 50% of his bills. With school aged kids and all the expenses that go with this, he is the only one who is benefiting from this set up.

Time to put yourself first xx

It's so easy to tell someone you love them to keep them sweet. Actions speak louder than words. Get yourself that flat and the security you need. Just do it. This man does not care about you as he should. I know it is easy for us (Mumsnet) to tell you what you need to do and not so easy in real life but you can't keep hanging on in there in the hope he changes, I doubt he will. Do it while you can. No discussion with him. Start checking out the estate agencies. If in the unlikely event he has a miraculous change of heart, you will have the security of a property you can rent out, but I would bet on you not wanting to go back to him after a few months of independence. Good luck and more drifting.

Does he have children?

Should be NO more drifting.

Your with him 5 years, paying half his bills and he won't marry you or make a will leaving a life time interest in his home. He has kids and wants to keep the house ect for them.
He has already told you that you have money if anything was to happen to him.

He does not want you to get a btl mortgage or get your own mortgage because you once you do this you end things with him.
Then whose going to pay half his bills and mind his kid's. As he gets older him and his kids will expect that you care for him. After this his kids will kick out of a house that they now own.

The reality is that you need to do what's best for you and your future now.
You need to get some good financial advice and I would pay for this. I would try to get a btl mortgage because you could have tenants paying towards a property in your name. You need to get more stable employment. I would look into training in care so you could work in a nursing home ect. Getting stable employment can get you a mortgage in your own name and for your own place.
Get things in order. Don't tell him anything about your plans until your ready to move out and you can then tell him it over.

You started by saying that this man is lovely to you. He isn't though is he?

See I don't agree with this at all, taking all feelings out of it for a moment.

A man with school age children buys his own house outright, moves a girlfriend in after a couple of months, she has sold her house and has a large lump sum in the bank and a good job, she pays half the bills as there is no mortgage to pay, they are very happy together, except she is struggling to hold down a job so has eaten into her savings, and now after 5 years she wants marriage or financial security and a share in the house if anything happens to him, or she will leave him.

Now reverse the sexes to see if the opinion is the same...

A woman with school age children buys her own house outright, moves a boyfriend in after a couple of months, he has sold his house and has a large lump sum in the bank and a good job, he pays half the bills as there is no mortgage to pay, they are very happy together, except he is struggling to hold down a job so has eaten into his savings, and now he wants marriage or financial security and a share in the house if anything happens to him, or he will leave her.

I'm sorry OP but that house isn't yours, you haven't been asked to contribute towards it, just living expenses which you would have to pay wherever you were at this stage of life (double if you were single). The house is his children's security. You chose to release the funds out of your house instead of renting it and now have chosen to live off your savings because you can't get a job.. your own circumstances are your own responsibility, stop looking for a man to fix it.

The bathroom is the biggest red herring I have ever seen, but yet again wanting a man to sort it out, if it is so mouldy then clean it!

Once you take the first step to securing your own future, the other steps will be easier and you will feel empowered. It is true, his children will have you looking after him and then kick you out the minute they can. He could give you a lifetime interest that allows you stay in the property for as long as you want and then his children get the house but your best bet is to take care of your own security.

I just need to know I'm not going to be left up shit creek in my later life.

The only person who will ensure that doesn't happen is you. You are in charge of your life, no one else. Stop wasting time on this man and move on and enjoy your life.