Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

He was not your first husband. He was your husband, now ex-husband. There never was a second husband and that’s exactly the problem here. This man won’t marry you. He won’t invest in his own home, he won’t even let you invest in his own home. (Please do not invest in this man’s home!) He won’t make a will. He has young children - he’s not going to leave you a thing. He shouts at you when you are trying to be nice, lovely and sensible. I hope that after having read all comments, you can start putting yourself first. Focus on a job. Focus on investing your money, in a house or otherwise. Stop trying to fix his mouldy bathroom and start investing in yourself. Just do it. No talking it over with him, no discussing it with him, no asking him if he thinks it’s a good idea. Just.Do.It. Then move out. This man is not lovely, you’ll be better of without him. (And for the love God, stop hoping he’ll ruin things for the two of you. He already has!) Stop thinking, start doing. You said you’re scared and that’s understandable. But you CAN do this OP.

He has children. It's not control and abuse if he's protecting his children. Though you'd think part of that would be protecting their inheritance by making sure the bathroom was fixed. I wouldn't be making a will leaving the house to OP in his position either. This is one reason I will never have a relationship if I am widowed. I want to protect the assets for my children.

I just need to know I'm not going to be left up shit creek in my later life

With kindness because I know it's going to be difficult to face reality but no one owes you financial security. Least of all a boyfriend. You have to make this for yourself.

Your partner has made his life work for HIM. Now you need to do the same for yourself and quickly!

Stop spending your savings on living costs. Definitely don't spend money on a house you don't own. Remember you have less rights than a lodger. Focus on building a financial base. You can do it!

Just don't make a man your financial plan, he has told you if anything happens to him you will need to rely on your savings so you are on your own financially. Of course he doesn't want you to move out, he will lose out financially and once you have financial stability he has less control. He giving you an ultimatum as views you establishing financial security as a threat to the relationship.

I think you might need to question why you gave up your previous home for a man, who you didn't know.

Sorry but I think you should have mentioned his school aged children in the initial post as that will change how people view the situation. If it was a reverse and it was you with the kids in the house you owned people would definitely be saying protect your own assets, and make sure the partner didn't have a claim to them.

I think your priority needs to be finding a job so that you aren't relying on savings.

Would you have been able to continue to pay for your own property if you hadn't moved in with him? I think you need to evaluate this as you say you gave up your job which presumably has given you time to recoup, which maybe you wouldn't have been able to do had you stayed living alone paying full costs for everything.

I don't think he is as bad as he sounds and the whole financial abuse line isn't the case once you take into account his children.

I missed that, also. So he got himself a nanny.

OP - my advice doesn’t change. A decent man doesn’t encourage a woman to quit her job and move himself into her home then refuse to talk about the situation.

At minimum, it’s time for you to focus on your own financial stability and future. He’s not going to do that.

It’s all very well saying he loves you, but he’s not showing it at all. It’s just empty words. He doesn’t sound a nice person.

the issue is not that he wants to protect his home, that is perfectly sensible, it’s that he also objects to OP buying a home of her own. And is trying to emotionally black mail her into not doing so. That is what makes him a selfish arse ( or possibly controlling).

You're his lodger @GreatPlumBiscuit

You can have a mortgage if you're pensioned. It's all taxed income. Lots of banks go to 80. Speak to a broker.

Start looking for a flat or small house. He's not going to propose.

He is as bad as he sounds as he is using his emotional reactions to try to stop her from having security by buying a home of her own.

Well marriage would improve your legal situation so maybe you aren't being so unreasonable about that. But I am a bit concerned about the shouting at you bit.

Exactly this. Take a look at RIO mortgages.

This is not a 'lovely man'.
You need to protect what you have in the bank and make plans to leave this relationship. Whatever you do, don't deplete your funds even more by investing in his property. Think about it - he chucks you out, or you decide to leave, or he dies - you've invested in his property and your money is gone.
He is telling you that he will never marry you, he will never leave you anything in his will. For goodness sake get out and build a happy life before it's too late.

@GreatPlumBiscuit but he's a lovely man???
Clearly doesn't regard his house as your home.
Wouldn't work for me.

Do not, under any circumstances, give him money for his house. You are vulnerable, he could turf you out at a moment’s notice so you should have contingency plans.

Manage your finances as if you were a single woman.

Sounds like you were looking for a Knight to swoop in and save you from your previous heartache and decided that he fits the bill.

He really isn’t your saviour. He’s a user who will always prioritise his own wants above yours. Sadly, lots of men are like this whilst declaring undying love and women only hear what they want to hear. Words are cheap and it’s only actions that count.

Realistically, how often do you give in and over compromise to keep things sweet?

Whilst you stay, absolutely nothing will change except you will grow older and be less secure.

OP, I agree with others that he's not kind or loving if he's not interested in your concerns and welfare. Ridiculous that he won't address the mould. He's making sure you don't spend money on home maintenance so you'll always be considered a lodger rather than a partner in a relationship.

He's right to prioritise his children though. I would do everything I could to move out and continue seeing him if you both want that. Zero consideration for him being 'hurt' in that situation. He doesn't care that you're rightly feeling anxious about your own future.

Could you invest the money in stocks and shares? To generate some decent interest whilst also giving him the 50% bill money?

this

So he wont make you secure but he doesnt want you to make yourself secure eirher. Why are you even wirh him. Sounds like he only cares about himself.

I was going to ask if he had children and then you said he does have school age children….

yeah, the reason he doesn’t want to talk about a will is that he’s going to leave everything to them. It’s that simple, unfortunately.

Shared ownership might be a good option for you op- you can use your savings to buy a share and then rent the rest. I don't normally recommend it but it seems a good option here
Definitely don't spend your savings on someone elses house.

He doesn't sound like a nice man

Our former neighbours were an unmarried older couple (older than you), lived together in the house he owned for many years. When he died his children gave her 3 months to move out, and that was that. When I asked how it had come to that she just said that he’d never wanted to sort it out. It was horrible. Your instinct to be secure is natural and very smart!

Indeed. And to be fair I will do the same for my kids. Doesn't matter how much I love whoever I am with at the time, my kids will get my assets

He's not a lovely man if he is shouting at you for offering to pay to replace a mouldy bathroom in a house you don't even own. He's not a lovely man if he doesn't care about your financial security. He's not a lovely man if he is avoidant and therefore not emotionally available. Take your love goggles off, OP. Start prioritising you ❤️

And OP, stop paying his insurance! He has made it clear that this is his property so he can pay that. Just take out some contents insurance for your own belongings. Your priority is to get enough income to cover your share of bills. If you have a car you can do Evri deliveries. Much less than minimum wage but it will cover food and bills so you aren’t eating into savings. Or try to get care work. Most councils have employment support schemes which will pay for you to get qualifications to get a job. Low level qualifications but you’ll still get a job with them. You need to be earning whilst you look for a permanent better paid job.
Using your savings for five years for daily costs has not been wise. If you were to use your savings for anything, it should be investing in training that leads to a job. Not for food or fixing bathrooms!