Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

Agreed. This is a great idea. I’m afraid when your partner dies that you’ll get kicked out as you’re not married or in the will. I would never sell a property in my own name to live in someone else’s unless we married. Sorting it now would be better than being homeless when you’re older.

If there is an alternative bathroom which is better than the grotty ensuite, why are you using the latter rather than the former?

Well too bad, honestly. Doesn't sound as though he is interested in your wellbeing so why should you pamder to his feelings?

You can buy a flat and still date him. It doesn’t mean the end of the relationship.

Eh he's not lovely or loving. He's completely horrible to you and doesn't care about your present or future security or wellbeing. He shouts at you, won't listen to your worries about living in a cess pit? Fml OP.

OP said in one of her replies she has the money for a large deposit, presumably implying she hasn’t enough to buy a property outright in her area (but could get a buy to let mortgage).

You don't need his approval, just do it

Do the school age children spend a lot of time at your partner's home? Do you help with child care? Are you effectively the unpaid live-in nanny?

You can get a mortgage that goes up to the age of 70. Start putting EVERYTHING into getting a full-time job. Much easier said than done I know. But it's a must. Then buy somewhere and move into it. Not necessarily ending your relationship. You could still spend time at his (if you want to) or he could come to your place too and enjoy your nice bathroom.

You could also look for LA over 50s housing. There is often a shorter waiting list than for family housing.

He definitely doesn't have your best interests at heart. Protect yourself and quickly!

I agree with this. Saying "I love you" doesn't mean "I love you". He loves himself and he loves the servitude, company and sex you provide. It doesn't matter if other people outside think he's great; they don't have to live with the real him. And don't be surprised if he has a will (you're not in it) These commitment phobe men are very good at appearing casual, while they assiduously build and protect their own assets. He sounds just like my first husband. I was lucky that when he kicked me out and moved his girlfirend in, I still had decades left to marry, build (much better) assets and produce superior offspring.

Your position now is worse, however, than your last abusive relationship, as you are running towards decades of poverty in retirement. You have only spent 5 years with him, you have probably 25 left. Future you would love to come back and warn present you how horrible your old age is.

Why aren’t you building anything for the future? Property isn’t the only investment class. Why aren’t the funds from your property being built for the future? If you really wanted it to inflate with property prices (I wouldn’t prioritise this), you could put it in a HPI tracking fund. What’s going into your pension? That’s a great vehicle for future growth,

You’re living mortgage free and paying 50% of bills - surely you’ll be worse off financially living alone paying for housing and 100% of the bills?

The bathroom is a different issue that you need to grasp the nettle on and tell him you’re not happy living that way - and if it comes to it I would leave or at least move out over it. It’s his house but it’s both of your homes and you should both get a say in the environment you live in.

He's already fucked it up babe - or more like, "what you have" never going to be what you need in the first place. 5 years he's been telling you nothing will change. Five years you've been building something different in your head - if only he'd magically turn into a completely different person.

His extravagant declarations of love have got him a great deal from you so far, and cost him nothing, why would he change?

You are focusing on the wrong thing. Your focus should be on getting a stable job. (From what I can gather you have some work but it's intermittent - freelance?) It's good that you still have your funds but once you have a stable income you can invest in your own place.

Stop hoping he will propose. He has school age children. Of course he won't risk you having a claim on his assets. In his position i wouldn't either. (Do you have children?)

He doesn't sound nice but objectively you're living in his house rent free, working intermittently while you decide what to do. That's a fairly good deal and he doesn't want you taking the piss. Can you imagine a woman with children posting here saying her live in partner who only contributes to bills and works part time wants to marry so he can have her house if she dies? We'd all be saying don't do it!

More sympathetically, he sounds unkind and lacking in emotional intelligence. He "gets upset" when you mention living separately but when you volunteer to part fund renovating the vile bathroom he shouts at you. So he's allowed to have feelings but you aren't. What a twat. Going back to what I first said, work towards getting your own place.

OP, after reading your updates I am sorry to say but I agree with your partner. He should absolutely protect his house for his children. I hear that you can’t return to your previous job but not to have found another one and live off your savings is on you and not a very wise move. You have a good deal that you only pay half bills and not rent. Him being mortgage free is not relevant. You should be saving and not eating into your savings. My answer would be completely different if you were both child free and earning. Your updates make it clear that you see this as a future opportunity with little effort required.

Hi Op What a situation! Couple of suggestions. Show him this thread, he might then realise the hurt and anguish this is causing you or give him a letter.
There are so many red flags here, I think you need to make your mind up asap or this is going to affect you in a bigger way.
When you say people say they like him, my reply would be you do not have to live with him.
There is no excuse for unsanitary bathrooms.
Good luck.

I agree with this.
Actions speak louder than words.
Refusing to talk about or listen to any of your concerns, whether it’s the bathroom or your future, tells you all you need to know.
It’s all working perfectly for him at the moment. You save him money on bills and (I’m assuming) time on household chores.

If he's this defensive about a mouldy bathroom then he's not as kind a person as you think he is.

Give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't do what is required for your security going forward then dump him and get on with your life.

OP, you describe this man as “kind, caring, lovely to me”. Yet, he’s not, is he? He ignores or dismisses your concerns, has shouted at you, and you are scared to raise issues with him for fear of his reaction. He also refuses to discuss marriage, wills or future provision. These are all red flags. He actually sounds quite controlling.

He got very upset when you suggested getting your own place. Not surprising when he has you there paying 50% of all his bills and household costs. I think you need to think very carefully about this. I think the idea of buying a small flat and renting it out is a good one. You would not be leaving him necessarily, but you’d always have that option. And you’d be investing your pot of money in bricks and mortar, on something that will hopefully increase in value faster than any savings accounts.

This man is not the prince you think he is.

NOOOOO!!!
Never show them this thread!
HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING
Its a form of control!
If you show/ tell you are arming them further to be controlling/ abusive
Sorry to shout but do not do this @GreatPlumBiscuit

Civil partner or not you are a grown woman you are responsible for yourself a man isn't

Anyway OP I hop you got a bit of sleep and are ready to face the day with fresh resolve to build your iwn future, yourself. 💪💪

He wants you to stay to share his bills
not the behaviour of a good person

after your precious experience why do you think you have allowed yourself to be financially abused again?

would not living with your boyfriends be a safer option for you?

Even leaving aside the fact that he is comfortable with you being homeless if he died or he didn’t want you anymore, ( he justifies this to himself as you have savings, and he’s told you this. He won’t even feel bad about it), this is still a bad relationship. The biggest predictor of relationships failing is how couples can talk about and resolve differences ( read Gottman). And you two can’t. His emotional reactions have made you scared to even talk about differences of opinion ( the en-suite). Not only is he using his emotional reactions to control you, but he is also making clear that this is his home and property, not yours.

I was similar to you OP. Previous ‘relationship’ my Father, made me think someone who loved and adored me was someone to stay with ( and I did love him). But over time I realised what he loved was how he felt about me, and what I brought to his life. Not me.

You are in a difficult situation. It is hard to get a permanent job in this economy at your age. But you need to keep trying. Your goal is to buy a home of your own.

Stop contributing to repairs and upgrades at his -he has made it clear it’s his home, not yours, so he can pay for that. Just pay for your share of bills. Save as much as you can, stop going into savings.

It’s not a great situation but don’t panic about imminent homelessness. He probably won’t kick you out. This situation suits him. But it’s not great for you. So do keep making an exit plan. Preserving your savings is a big part of that.

How on earth is it his responsibility to provide anything the OP is not a child

Some money in the bank doesn’t future proof you with financial security. You are in an unequal relationship. You need to stand up for yourself and ask him to prove this so called love for you by securing your future.