Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

OP before leaving you can - a) go to magistrates office and book a wedding for yourself, inform him of day and time and b) find a work man to get rid of the mould and tell DP these are the arrangements you require him to comply with.
If he refuses either of above - he does not love you - so lies about that and you have proof you need to leave.

@GreatPlumBiscuit

I'm the first to say whata scummy bastard!!!!! But honestly.....

Your living circs are perfectly fine - bills are split in half. There is no rent.
He has children it's totally appropriate to keep finances split as they are and not to remarry.

Given how flat property has been (in real terms its depreciating) if you correctly invested the cash from your sale you should be significantly"better off". (I know because I just did a financial exercise on if we have put 200k less down on our house 6 yrs ago and invested the 200k)

The issue/ mistake you made is you decided to stop working and to live off savings from the sale of your house for 5 yrs.

5yrs of not working is a HUGE luxury few can afford... you gloss over it but its cost you what ...100k ??? Maybe more???

You are canabalising your assets.
Offering to pay for half his bathroom is madness and there's not a builder in the land who'll do a bathroom with materials and labour for £3k.

Its hard no doubt but you need to find a job and start making better choices.

Oh good, I'm glad that you've got this saved.

A lot of nonsense to prove what she must already know. He does not care enough.

Exactly this a lot of people are missing this point.

You cannot force someone to marry you. Would you agree with a man doing that to a woman? I doubt it.

It’s all words. What he does or doesn’t do shows you who he is. The mould in the bathroom isn’t doing anyone’s health any good for starters.

You are leaving yourself very vulnerable. If he dies without a will it all passes to his children and you will get nothing even though you have paid part of the bills. If he truly loves you he would protect your future. You must put yourself first or you risk losing everything. Even if you buy a small flat and rent it out you have something for yourself. If he doesnt support you then it doesnt matter how kind he is day to day he is not truly thinking of your best interests.

fucking hell.. would you say that to a man in these exact circumstances?

"Book a registry office and tell her if she doesn't turn up to marry you that proves she doesn't love you??"

Why the fuck should he agree to give OP half his house when he has got kids and she hasn't contributed a single penny towards it's purchase? OP is on a fantastic deal not having to pay rent or mortgage, just half of living expenses.. the fact that she has chosen to sell her property, not work and has pissed all her savings up the wall is not his problem.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

It’s not clear why you sold up. Did he pressure you to?

There are things you have done that you need to take responsibility for. I sense you’re struggling with this and kind of blaming it on a bad divorce.

theres also a lot of ambiguity around what you have had and lost in terms of money and mortgages, and why. I think a lot of it has been bad decisions on your part.

i suspect he is not being honest with you about his financial situation. I think he is in debt/struggling.

he is a dismissive avoidant. I think you find yourselves drawn to them as you are an anxious attacher. You take any crumbs of love you can find. You are worth more than that.

he is also emotionally abusive - the shouting about the mould. He cannot cope with any of your needs and has dragged you into his dysfunctional life.

you need to plan your route out carefully. You need to hope he hasn’t managed to get any debt in your name. Move as far away as possible where you can get a stable job. Dont look back. Don’t listen to his manipulative rubbish.

It's much easier to listen to what he says than to act on what he does.

He knows how to play you. Avoidance, hysterics. It's all controlling the situation.

You have two problems.

1. He doesn't want to entangle your finances and is trying every trick in the book to get what he wants. He hasn't made any changes to be with you has he? Same house, same bathroom, he just has cheaper bills, cooked meals and sex on tap.

1. Why on earth would you want him??? Other than it seemingly easier than a massive upheaval to move? Is he really so so SO amazing that you wouldn't rather have your own place with a nice bathroom and, potentially, a new bloke to have fun times with when it suits? If domestic drudgery with a man who couldn't be less arsed really all that with a cherry on top? He's not exactly sounding like the gloss on a lovely life, more like an albatross.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

This paragraph is unfortunately full of red flags OP...

• He refuses to communicate (you call him avoidant: not good)
• He deliberately ignores your needs and wellbeing (mould is bad for your health as you know)
• He shouted at you (not acceptable, do you walk on eggshells around him? Any man that prompts that behaviour does not qualify as lovely)
• He displays overall selfish traits - all he cares about is that he's ok with his living situation yet he won't entertain that it's not good enough for you and you need an alternative (which you're not even asking him to pay for).

First of all, don't pay half of anything that's not yours. 50% of living expenses is reasonable, but renovations of a place that's solely his are not your responsibility. Your health however is your responsibility, and it's your prerogative to find somewhere better to live. He shouldn't take it personally. If he cares about you, he'll take it seriously and get his rear into gear to fix the problem.

If you do decide to leave, and I hope you do, he may well propose to keep you on side. You will then have a looooong engagement and never actually get married, as you get older and sadder. Leave now, get your own place, don't be over-ambitious with it. If he died you would have to do this at short notice so do it now on your own terms. You may need to work at a Tesco type job or a pub job to supplement your income until your situation stabilises. You could have another 30 years of this - is that really what you want? Be brave you can do it.

If my partner booked a wedding before telling me I’d think they’d lost the fucking plot. Not to mention it’s not actually possible to do so, the couple need to meet the registrar together.

Relationships are never improved by telling someone what they need to ‘comply’ with.

@GreatPlumBiscuit You need to work on your own comfort and ability to support yourself in the event your relationship breaks down. It’s not for a partner to secure your finances if they don’t want to, and putting you on the deeds or in his will is not the only way for him to ‘prove’ he loves you since relationships can fall apart when those things are in place. You’ve got quite a good set up with no rent or maintenance costs, get back to work and save your money and build your own network and confidence. Then you’ll be in a better place to determine if this is a healthy relationship for you.

So he wants it all ways. His way.

How can you possibly say he’s emotionally abusive based on one episode of shouting? It might have been the 8th time that week that OP had brought up the mould (that she’s been happy to live with up now, watching it get worse and ever… cleaning it? I’m sure we’ve all shouted at the people we live with once or twice in frustration, and they’ve shouted back.

He controlling you through ineptitude

Stop spending your savings, you will end up with nothing one day.

Do not rely upon / hope / expect this man is going to support you in any way at all - why should / would he ?
He has children, they are whom he will support.

Meanwhile you keep on paying 50% to live in his house, cooking and cleaning etc.

Do not pay towards a refurbished ensuite - it is his house not yours !

My friend was recently in this situation and was worried about her financial future. She is the same age as you and her partner was considerably older.
She has recently bought a cheap house for which she could independently afford the mortgage and he has rented his out and moved in with her, paying her rent and helping as he now has a second income of rent. He also has a son and this was to protect her own financial future and to ensure she always has a roof over her head. The partner understood and supported this. That's what your partner should do. If he is not willing to do that, then fuck him, frankly.

Op look for a job in a different area. Get yourself on your own two feet. Houseshare if you have to
Prioritise getting a permanent job

What a ridiculous post. You’re saying that if he doesn’t agree to being forced into a surprise marriage that would disadvantage his children and that he knew nothing about, then he can’t possibly feel any love for the OP.

Are you this controlling in your own relationship?

Do it anyway. You're foolish to rely on him.

In your situation I would suggest that solution and if he is not willing to do that, I'd just tell him I was moving out to your own place and that you can see each other now and then if you feel like it. It doesn't have to be a dramatic split but you need to stop paying him money to live in a shit house in a shit area. This is not in your interests at all.

I think your first priority needs to be getting a full time job and I'd also not be paying rent until you have that. He would have to pay the mortgage whether you left or not.