Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

So you live in his house for free?

You pay half bills - totally fair in my view.

What are you doing with your saved rent/mortgage?

You are NOT being financially abused!

She doesn't pay rent, he is mortgage free in a property he owns outright, he has school age children.

All she pays is half the utilities.. she genuinely doesn't appreciate how good she has it right now to be honest! It sounds like she won't be happy until he has handed over half his assets to her though.

Oh for goodness sake - yeah, lets make a person get married when they dont want to???

You would NEVER tell a woman with dc who owns her own house, and has a cocklodger boyfriend move in to marry him so he has security

She has had FIVE YEARS with no rent or mortgage to pay, sure neither has he, but thats because he has paid off his house.

I'm not sure now what do you expect here. What kind of security do you want from him? Are you aware that any your security would mean taking from his children?

A man with responsibility for his school age children has no reason to marry you or put you to his will - he will want his property to go to his children. I suppose he has never promised or offered marriage/legal commitment, because he doesn't want to entangle money. It has nothing to do with your past, it is about leaving his property to his children. It doesn't make him a bad person (the shouting about bathroom does)

Decide what makes sense for you and do it, but don't expect him to give something he has never offered.

Does he know that you are drawing on your savings?
Perhaps he thinks that you have a large amount of money from your house sale in your account.

OP, you are getting a mix of replies here, some harsh. I think there is a lot to unpack here and it’s not as straightforward as him not giving you the security you need. Most striking to me is that you posted something like 18 times with your initial post and further responses before casually mentioning that he has school age children. That fact is absolutely key to a lot of his behaviour and the situation you find yourself in and I’m surprised you don’t realise that. I assume that you don’t have children of your own (apologies if that is incorrect) because you seem unaware of what it means (or should mean) to be a parent.
How old are they - 7/8 or 14/15? There’s an awful lot of difference. How often do they stay with him? Do you look after them? As PPs have pointed out, his primary responsibility is to his children and they should inherit his assets. It is not in his or their financial interests for him to marry you, unless he draws up a watertight will providing for them. Marriage automatically revokes any previous will and you would become his main beneficiary (unless stated otherwise in a newly drawn up will) which is clearly unfair. You say you wanted to build a future with him but it sounds as if you are wilfully ignoring in your own mind the existence of his children. You say nothing about your relationship with them.
Of course, you don’t have to like the situation you find yourself in and he definitely sounds like an avoidant personality. He should not be shouting at you about the mouldy bathroom or refusing to discuss your combined futures in a reasonable way.
I agree with many other posters who have commented that your first priority must be to get a job, then look at your finances and assess your next step. Don’t waste any more time - you are entitled to say to him that, while you understand the constraints of his circumstances, it doesn’t work for you.

OP, you need to get real.
You have gone from one shit relationship to puttimg yourself in such a vulnerable position.

Good men do not behave like this.
Your bar is really low.

He likes things just as they are.
You and your feelings, security are not a priority.

Ffs, you have been his housemate for 5 years.
Money in his pocket.

Honestly, you need to get real fast.

Forget about him, because he really isn't thinking of you.

He will miss your money contribution for sure.

Women like you end up in real poverty because they refused to face their reality.

You cannot afford a relationship.
You need home security more than a man.

He has school aged children????

Sure of course he is protecting his asset whilst using the arse off you to pay 50% of his costs.

Does he host his children regularly?
You pay 50% of costs.

Unbelievable that you would fall for this.
I bet he is lovely.....but gets angry if you bring anything up🙄.

You have been spectacularly naive.
I hope you are waking up to that.

I think you already know the answer, OP. Every day on mumsnet, there's a woman talking about her 'kind, lovely, caring' partner who is clearly anything BUT those things. It doesn't matter what he says, he's showing you how he feels by his actions (or lack thereof). Look after yourself and make sure you put a secure roof over your own head.

Next steps - you need to get clear on what you want. Would it be enough if he agrees to redo the bathroom (with you paying half?). I think not, but it is your life not mine.

How is your pension looking? Is it crucial to your planning to own your own property for later life, or might you actually be ok renting once your pension kicks in? Can you do something else with your money to make it work towards financial security in future without necessarily buying a flat with it now?

Might planning to get a lodger or part time AirBnBing help with getting a mortgage or are these not secure enough? It's worth talking to a couple of mortgage brokers to see what options you might have. BTL might be possible. Whether your cash flow can cope with contributing so much to your partner's household as well as running a separate one - well frankly it's unlikely - but any decent man will understand the problem, want you to have some security because he loves you, and put himself out somewhat in support of you achieving it. That doesn't mean giving you tonnes of money but it does mean not threatening ending the relationship just for you very sensibly planning for the future, and it might mean eg paying more of the joint living costs in his house for a while. If he cannot treat you like he at least likes you - in what he does, not just what he says - then he is not worth it.

Don't beat yourself up. You have taken a battering and you are still standing. No regrets, just start planning for the next stage.

Oh and if marriage is suddenly raised as an option when he thinks you will walk, be very careful.

I’m sure it’s already been said but at the very least you need to buy somewhere to rent out.

You’re mad to have had some form of security and then gave it all up.

You could have been living off of the rent you received and still had somewhere to live/sell if you needed to in the future.