AIBU to think my colleague is not too old for motherhood?

[PithyPoet]

Work colleague and friend is having a much wanted first child, of course she’s got comments she’s too old I genuinely don’t feel she is just wondering what others thought

I wouldn’t say it to someone’s face but generally I’d say it’s too old, however a much wanted first child for some reason I find more acceptable than pushing out a 3rd 4th or 5th at that age.

A first is likely to be something that has been tried for and wanted for ages and their last chance finally succeeds.

I wouldn’t say anything but yes, it’s quite old. I wouldn’t want to be the only child of older parents.

Each to their own but it would have been way too old for me.
I would have hated to have a 10 year old at 52.

The grandparents one isn't quite right though. People retire around 65-67ish. So everyone having kids around 33 would mean grandparents have just retired. If you have your first at 42 and your parents did the same, they're 80-odd which, for many, is too old to be lifting toddlers onto the slide, and the relationship won't last beyond the child's teens.

I'm not arguing with your other benefits but if this trend continues, grandparent-child relationships will significantly change on a societal level. The mum who had her first at 42 might not have much time as a grandmother.

I'm not saying it's bad to be an older mum, just that it's more nuanced

Would you still think it was too old for you if you didn't have children already?

Congratulations to your colleague. She must be over the moon. Its nobody else's business to go around saying she's too old.

I think everyone has their own number. My parents were in their 40s and I have felt it growing up and didn’t want to have mine at that age. Now everyone on mumsnet is fit, healthy etc but statistics don’t reflect that at a population level. Realistically, the older you are, the more likely you are to have a serious health condition while your children are still dependent. The combo of peri menopause plus small children seems a bit brutal as well.

Plenty of people are in their 40s so I’m surprised people are saying what they’re saying to the lady involved. I have my own private cut-off but would never try and bring

down a friend or colleague who will be nervous/excited etc. Life isn’t always textbook.

Some us never had any help whatsoever.

@PollyBelllets ask my kids shall we? ‘What do you mean’? and ‘Well uh fine’ … That’s their response (now 21 and 23). I had them at 41 and 43. And my eldest’s cohort at school had mums who were 40, 41, 42, 45 and even 46 when they had them. So it wasn’t even unusual (and all conceived naturally).
OP I didn’t meet my DH til I was 39. We married at 40 and nine months later I had my first. Other than getting nucal fold measurements the hospital never even mentioned my age. And no one at work said anything other than ‘congratulations’. General public? Well they didn’t know how old I was. Family? As my mum had me late 30s and younger sister at 40, and HER mum had her at 40 and her younger sister at 44 (as well as six older kids), no negative comments from there either (and my younger sister went on to have her DD at 45).

Not to old but in the medical sense will be considered an older mum just from a monitoring perspective.

She isn't too old, no.

If a woman can conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy to term, then no she isn't too old. That's the only criteria, not the woman's age.

A woman's age is not a factor in anything which she can do or achieve, neither are her looks.

Sometimes you hear women saying they "don't want to be an older mother" - which is a strange perspective.

A woman's fertile years are from her teens into her 40s - obv everyone is different. Having a baby anywhere in that bracket just makes a woman "a mother" not a mother with an adjective in front.

If I'd got to 42 without kids I doubt I'd have started then, but it's an each to their own thing isn't it? The world would be a dull place if we were all the same.

I might privately think 'oh wow, that's not something I would do' - no need to share it with her though.

I think it’s fairly common these days. I don’t think it’s up to anyone else to pass judgement on it. There are advantages and disadvantages whatever time of life you have them.

Actually added to my post I was clearly well in the throes of peri at that point because my periods had stopped by 43, so biologically I wouldn't likely have been able to get pregnant at that age!

Personally I think that 42 is too old yes. We’re raising a grandparentless generation. You have a baby at 40, they have a baby at 40, by which time the grandparents are 80 and are unlikely to be fit enough to have a meaningful part to play in their grandchildren’s lives.

And before people start suggesting it’s about childcare, it absolutely isn’t. We’re changing the shape of families, where children get to have relationships beyond just their parents.

I imagine most remember relationships with grandparents growing up. The general visits, the fun times, the Christmases and birthdays. Now all that’s disappearing because people are having children too late in life for those relationships to be meaningful any more.

The grandparents of this generation will be like the great grandparents when we were growing up. We knew they were there, but they were dead before we were old enough to really get to know them.

And the parents will be elderly before the kids grow up and that is sad also.

But obviously you’re not going to say it to someone who’s already pregnant.

At 42 you just see the baby you’re going to have.

A stroppy teenager into your late 50’s? No bloody ta.

Not being able to retire because of potential uni costs?

And then there’s this expectation that young adults have these days that their parents will financially support them until God knows when.

Perfectly normal.

You do realise that some people dont have grandparent help due to them not being alive, being disabled, being estranged, still busy working FT, or living far away. Not everyone marries the boy next door at 25 and doesn't move away

Yes she’s an older mum
she’s definitely not too old
comments like these are totally inappropriate and unnecessary

Except you wouldn't if you couldn't conceive naturally until then or circumstances meant you had to wait until then. You would just crack on and be happy.

Except you wouldn't if you couldn't conceive naturally until then or circumstances meant you had to wait until then. You would just crack on and be happy.

I gave myself a window of time and if it hadnt happened by 34 that was it. If I didnt get pregnant I can put my hand on my heart and say I wouldnt have been bothered because the main reason I had a child was for dh. He made it clear from early days if dating he wanted children.
I have

No shade at anyone else but I did what was right for us and didnt want to be an old mum.

Not too old. Not that my opinion matters in the slightest but I have a mental cut off of fifty for both parents for a baby.

Its people (men) having babies much later in life that I find selfish. Bringing a parent to a newborn in you late fifties and sixties is too big a risk.

But forties is quite normal and you are likely to be healthy for the child’s entire childhood and young adulthood.

Not at all unusual these days. That said, my eldest was 25 when I was 42 so i would have felt too old for another by then, but I’d been child rearing since my teens.

An ex-colleague of mine is pregnant and will be 51 when the baby arrives. I do think that is too old.

excatly this

i wanted to be younger but Mother Nature had different ideas

and yes if anyone on here had kids at 20/30 they prob couldn’t imagine doing it at 40

but I think older mums can be a bonus

I’m well established in my career and earn well so financially stable

I have my own home

I’ve done the pubs /clubs till 2/6am and happy for nights /weekends in

I have more patience and less stress due to a good job and own home and don’t have to work 60hrs a week to break even

I mean, it's all subjective surly. I'm 40 with an 8 year old and I'm constantly dead on my feet, so for me it's too old and I wouldn't cope with a newborn!

But if I hadn't had kids before, I'm sure I'd cope 😂

Depends on the person. Why does anyone care, she's the one raising the child.