My parents have become insufferable.

[PleasePleasePleaseDontProve]

I am really struggling with my parents. Both are mid-sixties, retired. It seems since retirement they have become quite bigoted, insufferable and insular in their viewpoints. Every time I meet up with them conversations revolve around:

• Illegal immigration / people on benefits / Reform and Nigel Farage. Essentially focussing around the latest GB news story (which they watch religiously).
• Their latest or ongoing health ailments and how poor, in their view, the NHS is.
• Unnecessary and rude descriptions to describe other people (could be random strangers) or people they know. For example, ‘our fat neighbour has put on tons of weight.’

I used to have a fantastic relationship with my parents, particularly my father, and I’m sure he wasn’t always like this. I’m starting to dislike meeting up with them as their attitudes seem to have changed towards life and people in general, and they constantly want to discuss the latest GB News story.

Has anybody else found this has happened to their parents?

It’s more the repetition of topics. It as though they only have a few things to discuss nowadays, so will make the same points or talk about the same things at length. I am not saying that illegal immigration isn’t an issue, but I don’t think it’s healthy to constantly be watching GB news at home, researching these topics on the internet and then talking about it at length every time you see your loved ones. It’s also very tiresome to listen to the same rants every time we meet up, and when I do change the topic, it inevitably comes back to illegal immigrants / benefit scroungers again.

Have you said this to them? They are worried. It isn't racist to worry about uncontrolled immigration. It isn't racist to worry about fundamentalist Islam and how it could impact British culture. Their concern might be coming from exactly the same place as the love they feel for you and your toddler. Perhaps gently saying you understand their concerns but would love to focus on doing happy things together might help them.

I haven’t worked for 5years because of illness think I’m still sain but I avoid all the news programs there so depressing my elderly mum believes all she hears on tv she’s obsessed with scammers and all as mentioned I just agree and try to change the subject

Agree.

Do you know what? The OP IS missing her parents. The kind, caring parents that she's known all her life until recently. Those parents have apparently been replaced by racist bigots.

That's the real tragedy.

I do the same, but the issue is they will talk at me about illegal immigrants, it’s very difficult to change the topic, then when I eventually do, they will bring it back to immigration somehow!! Such as I will make a comment, ‘oh look, there’s new houses being built in town.’ ‘Oh don’t get excited, they’ll all be given to illegals, I saw this on GB news…’ it’s like an inescapable topic!!

Mine are the same (late 70s) they watch GB News all day. There is no convincing them otherwise. My once sane Mother is now convinced that anyone can have an abortion at 9 months and there are illegal migrants hidden around every corner.

It’s even more irritating to hear my Dad go on about how awful the NHS is after he had a major, major op within 6 days of his conditions being found because he would have died instantly without it.

I’ve basically gone low contact because I cannot bear hearing that utter shite mindlessly parroted back at me for hours on end. I miss my old parents.

This is actually a great way to frame it, I’ve just always been a bit avoidant due to the way it comes out and the blame, the lack of white faces in their local area (wholly untrue!). We’re in a very ‘local’ and semi rural area and most of what comes out is reform type stuff you see on Facebook. Worst thing my grandad ever did was get Facebook 🤣 I will try that on our next visit though!

It is impossible to know for sure. And no racist ever admits to being a racist! But you can have a hunch. You know, depending on the threads they start, the nature of their obsession with immigration, asylum seeker topics etc, that kind of thing.

The sad thing is that the more in their own bubble they are the less outside contact they get and the whole cycle gets worse. But beyond being low contact what can you really do about it? I can't see people changing. It's so emotionally charged. These people double down when presented with facts that go against what they believe or differing opinions. I guess the only way is to try to find common ground.

Tell me how. I have worked in the NHS for 35 years in London and have not come across this. Do tell. If it makes you feel better, my hospital doesn’t prioritise asylum seekers. They have to wait according to referral date, just like anyone else.

Mine are a bit like this too! They also watch GB news. I think my dad is worse and then my mum just copies his views. I can only take them in small doses as I can't cope with the negativity.

My sympathies, this sounds irritating to deal with!

My FIL has become a bit like this, particularly after a drink. He spends an increasing amount of time on Facebook and watching GB News and everything has a culture war lens to him. He was even negative about the lionesses! My Dh (his son) is leftwing and FIL seems to enjoy picking arguments with him about these sorts of topics. My dh used to argue back with him but his response now is usually to shut down the conversation and say he doesn't want to talk about politics, doesn't want an argument and that's that.

My guess is that they don't want to hear an alternative point of view that you offer.

On politics or the nhs, you could say you don't want to talk about politics or hear about it. If they then repeatedly ignore your request and continue to shove their views down your throat I'd probably "grey rock" them in that scenario (yes, oh, is that so... disinterested tone, vacant eyes etc!!) or just leave when they go off on one.

On slagging people off, I'd definitely pull them up on that personally. "Mum, dad, do you need to be so mean - there's no need to slag off people's appearance"

@PleasePleasePleaseDontProve you might want to check out a guy called Steven Hassan. He wrote (among other books) a book called the Cult of Trump. He has a great Instagram and social media, as well as other books on how to communicate with people affected by propaganda in this way.

His theory essentially is that extreme Trumpists (or similar extreme viewpoints, which could include racist / far right opinions) are all subject to the same brainwashing as goes on in cults. As an ex cult member himself he gives background on how this is achieved.

The result is they become further and further away from their own family members and more and more unhappy and isolated and angry and the cycle perpetuates and deepens.

He's written some good books on how to communicate with people or family that you know who are affected by propaganda / brainwashing etc.

There's a huge spectrum and I'm not suggesting your parents are 'cult members', but some of the behaviours fall into this spectrum, and you and they might benefit from you responding or communicating in a particular way.

There some interesting strategies he suggests for opening up communication channels or gently challenging the opinions of people who have been taken in by propaganda (to a lesser or stronger degree) that you might find helpful.

Yes it’s hard. DH says the same thing but I had a massive blow up with them a couple of months back and it became 100% harder.

I was explaining about how pregnant women in America were being injured and sometimes killed by the lack of reproductive healthcare and she point blank accused me of lying because GB News didn’t report it. So I suggested that maybe have Google and see what she could find.

Of course the first story she found was in The Guardian and she went absolutely mental saying it was ‘leftie lies’. She actually screaming at me, it was shocking.

I have friends in Texas and the South and it’s their lived experience. That really sent me over the edge into not caring anymore.

Not my mother but my father definitely has.

He is the boomer cliche. Started out with nothing, left school with no qualifications. Did basic training the army before he left and was a trainee welder. Fast forward through the years (he worked hard, studied in his own time etc,) and he ended up in his 50's as a Senior Director for an international company.

He started out socialist and then in his 50's he was conservative. Typical case of "when I am poor I am for the working man, when I am rich I am for me, pull the ladder up".

I am, and have always been a socialist (in my 50's now) and it has got to the stage that if you challenge him with facts (like the fact that people living and working here under the radar dont get benefits.....because no one knows they are here!) he loses his shit. He will be cheerfully benevolent if he truly believes he is right, but present him with proof that his bigoted views are based on untruths and he gets really mad.

So if he tries weighing in on a conversation my mother and I are having, I say I wont discuss it with him. He doesnt like it but she and I just change the subject.

Sounds awful and I have had similar in my own family. The serenity prayer might be helpful at times like this!

That said it's hard not to take it personally or want to challenge it.

Grey rock technique perhaps when it comes up, or just change the subject every single time.

Check out my post above, you might find this guy's work interesting or helpful.

Wow, if my father wasnt mid 70's I would wonder if you are my sister!

I’ll have a look, thanks so much.

As this has come up a few times, I'm wondering if setting up a MN support thread for children of racist / bigoted parents might be a help... A bit like the other support threads!? So we can let off steam when certain things come up, discuss strategies and so on.

It’s the depth of obsession with the topics that I find most concerning.

OP I feel your pain. Mine are in their 70s and are insufferable to the point where I only visit once every 8 weeks or so. I ring my mom every day to check they are ok and hear the same issues, usually moans about my dad on repeat. It's at the point where I threaten to reduce my calls. I have no patience and lose my rag easily. Their personalities have changed as they have become older and its affecting how I interact with them

You know what's especially gross in my Dad's case, is he automatically assumes horrible things about people's character as well as being horrible about their appearance.

Given that this man has a habit of saying the most horrifically offensive things he can think of "to wind you up" this example isnt especially 'bad' but I can't stop thinking about it.

We were driving back from a dog walk last month in a very rural area and a woman was sitting on the ground on the corner of a farm track.

Thinking aloud I said "oh my god is she okay? Shall I stop?"

He said "no"

So I stopped and it became obvious she a) had bare feet and b) was pregnant.

Dad just muttered "on drugs" and didn't get out the car while I went to speak to her, just looked at his phone.

Later on I wonder aloud what ever had happened that a pregnant woman had ended up so distraught and in the middle of nowhere.

He grumbled "she's been dumped".

He didn't speak a single word to this person, he barely looked at her. She was literally barefoot and pregnant and weeping.

And I just thought to myself after that "I might love you Dad, but you are completely horrible"

I hear you! Are we related??? It’s just so tiresome

It’s not immigration it’s an invasion that we’re all paying for. They have every right to vocalise their concerns.

and we have every right to vocalise our concerns about language like this coming from people we love.