Unbalanced Inheritance Division

[Stilson]

I'll keep it brief, my parents both died some time ago, and I can't get over this.

The estate was split with 20% going to me and 80% to my sister. She gets £160k I get £40k.

Both about the same age, both been a part of the family equally, she is wealthier than me by a large margin.

I want to cut all ties as she refuses to balance out the amounts, even a 60:40 split.

We're it the other way round I would be uncomfortable with the settlements and would rectify it, she won't.

AIBU?

Firstly, people can leave their estate to whoever they choose,unequally between children or to the cats home.Its their prerogative (unless dependent minor children are involved).
Having said that ,in the situation you describe i can see why you are upset and feel its unfair.
Have you any idea why your parents did split their estate unequally?
I think an explanation of why this was done could be important.

That's terrible. I suspect there was a conversation between your sister and parents when they were vulnerable and made some spurious case which they didn't fully think through.

I'd definitely cut ties, that's terrible behaviour I could not forgive.

Your full of it. Of course there's a back story, you just want to elicit sympathy, hence not sharing.

I don't know, I am not very comfortable at the idea of "paying" my kids for looking after me.

I am not comfortable with a child sacrificing their lives to care after me either to be fair.

I suspect @Stilson is probably aware. Otherwise, why would you silently fume? If it was an entire mystery, you would assume foul play and thus investigate. Silently fuming suggests disgruntled knowledge.

I would want to know what your sister says is the reason for the difference. Did she look after your parents? Ultimately I think what the reason really was would affect whether I wanted to stay in touch. There must have been a reason for it and it is up to you to judge whether it is fair or not.

You can't imagine it. But can you imagine that it has happened with as little reason as the OP suggests? There is more to this, and its a very exaggerated split, so no way was there not some serious thinking behind it. Someone has done something, or already received something, or... who knows? Not you or I. On that basis the say should go to those who do know why: the parents.

again, unless someone has severe medical need, I can't find a single reason why you would play favourite like that. I am sure they would find justification why there's a golden child and an after thought, but it's not right.

You might want to pay back money you borrowed, but you should at least be honest about that, it's obvious the other children will be hurt if they dont' know.

Apologies if I've missed this but do you or your sister have children/grandchildren. Could this have been a factor in the split?

Could your parents have seen you as irresponsible with money (whether or not you are)? Do you have a partner that they would disapprove of that they wanted to avoid their money going to?

In the novel A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian the main character struggles with an unfair will. From memory, over the course of the book she comes to realise that her and her sisters upbringings were very very different (despite being in the same family) and that the terms of the will try to make up for that

Your parents have basically kicked you in the face and your sister has backed them up. I’d cut ties as well.

Think yourself lucky you got £40k.

My mother left £170k to my sister, me and my 2 brothers got nothing at all.

She was a bitch when she was alive and she was a bitch when she died. I’m just sorry I wasted so much time trying to gain her approval.

But I’m not bitter, I’ve had therapy (which I had to pay for 🤣)

This is shocking.

Is she the older one?
Is it possible that the will was done a long time ago and your situations were very different then?

Are you a lesbian or can’t have kids?
Do you have a partner they didn’t like?

Who cared for them when they were elderly/ill?

It depends how you look at it/your own standards.
Some might view it as coldly transactional, however it would be very difficult to maintain an authentic loving relationship with your parents, long term, that was purely transactional. Arguably, the inability to be authentic is why uneven splits occur...
For others, its natural mutual care/appreciation, borne of a lifetime of love.

Did she spend more time with them? Do more caring in the later years? I’m struggling to understand the difference and would be so upset and angry too. Although it’s easy to say you’d rectify it if it were the other way round - you don’t know how you’d be in the actual situation!

I could not imagine not splitting it completely equally to save arguments after I die.

If one child was a millionaire and one was a single parent on a low income, then I wouldn’t split it equally but I’d sit them down and explain my reasons as soon as I’d changed it.

This!

Ouch

She’s hurt and confused, not necessarily ungrateful.

Wow! why would you say that? Parents can be cruel in all sorts of ways.

When we made our wills, one of our DC was in a far better financial position than the other, but we still split the bulk 50:50. As things have moved on, they are much more equal now. I would hate to leave any of my family feeling as the OP does, because it must be really tough to never get answers from the people who caused the upset.

Blaming parents for your nastiness...

I agree with this POV, I think.

It must be hard to be on the receiving end of this, OP. And I'm not saying I would like it or be OK with it. At the same time, your parents must have had their reasons, and I can understand why - on being asked to more evenly distribute the money - your sister is taking her stance.

At the end of the day, it's your parents right to split the money how they wished and I don't think it's fair to expect your sister to rectify that when she clearly doesn't want to. If you don't want to speak to her because of this, that's your right too.

If inheritance is going to be split unevenly, I think it's the parents responsibility to make that known - and their reasons why - beforehand, rather than this way where fall outs are inevitable.

Is a relationship with your sister worth more than money?
If the money is more important, end your relationship with her, and move on.

I wondered about this too. There will be an unequal split between my sibling and I when the last remaining parent dies. Over the last 20 years I have given up a lot to support them when needed. My sibling has done nothing despite being in a better position to help than I am. Last parent is disgusted with them, so has expressed that in the will. I won’t be sharing what I am left.

However, I will explain this clearly if asked. In this case, if OP is in the dark, it would be kinder to share the reasons.

She's consciously being vauge. Did she has less contact with her parents, did her parents financially support her more, did her wealthier sister support her parents, etc?

My father was always a difficult character, and lived abroad for final 12 years of his life. I maintained contact, while siblings / he didnt. When he had an accident abroad I paid for treatment, siblings refused. I solely cared for him in old age.

My father, rightly or wrongly, left me slightly more in his will. I split everything equally to avoid anamosity, but siblings felt they had "right" to equal share.

You have not the first idea. I was responding to OP.