Unbalanced Inheritance Division

[Stilson]

I'll keep it brief, my parents both died some time ago, and I can't get over this.

The estate was split with 20% going to me and 80% to my sister. She gets £160k I get £40k.

Both about the same age, both been a part of the family equally, she is wealthier than me by a large margin.

I want to cut all ties as she refuses to balance out the amounts, even a 60:40 split.

We're it the other way round I would be uncomfortable with the settlements and would rectify it, she won't.

AIBU?

Well yes but in my partner’s case he has no idea what as by the time he found out everyone he could’ve asked was dead.

no closure at all, no ability to ask why, it’s just awful.

Ah OP, this is awful and reading this thread is making me very, very glad I’m an only child.
I don’t understand the view people seem to be taking of OP not being entitled to anyone’s money - that may be so but surely people can see this is an extremely hurtful and baffling situation, not only in her parents doing this in the first place but now with OP’s sister not willing to do a fair split. Very upsetting.

It is, I know. But it’s a very strange situation, and stranger things than this can happen so who knows.

I feel so sorry for you, @Stilson
I just couldn't get past that. I'd not only want nothing to do with sister, I couldn't feel the same way re the parents memories. How bloody hurtful. WHY do parents DO this? What a slap in the face. I hope any parents considering the same are reading this & reconsider.

I think to answer the original question AYBU, the answer is no.

It's highly subjective how people would react in this situation and depends on a lot of things, including how much they needed the money, whether it was something that was expected all their lives or orchestrated by their sibling at the last minute etc.

Some people would want to maintain a relationship, others wouldn't and you aren't unreasonable for picking either option IMO.

This event has put a price on your relationship with your sibling and appears to be a price neither of you is willing to pay.

So you should do what feels best for you, but as with all things like this worthwhile taking some time to think carefully about it first and that it is what you really want before you decide to burn bridges.

The issue is that you don't seem to want to consider that there really was a reason for the disparity. It's not even 40/60. 80/20 is a definite statement.

Most posters will believe that there is a reason and that your sister is only honouring your parents wishes best on that reason, which then doesn't make her unreasonable or unkind.

How did the conversation go when you read the will. Do you even get along with your sister?

It’s all hypothetical though isn’t it. If it were them who was disinherited in favour of a sibling they wouldn’t be devastated.

@Stilson In which order did your parents pass away? Presumably one inherited from their spouse, and it would be the second will that you inherited from.

Are you sure there’s nothing? My Nan left DH and I more because my husband did a lot of work on her house that allowed her to live there independently for longer, and he did it at cost (slightly below a lot of the time). Could there be anything like that you may be overlooking.

I understand you feeling hurt by your sister not splitting more evenly - I would do that for any of my siblings. You need to reflect on if you actually want to cut her off over this. I wouldn’t do it without really thinking. I know everyone on mumsnet cuts their family off all the time, but it’s not something to be taken lightly. Not saying you’d be wrong to do it btw - but I am saying have a real think before you do it.

If the reason is simply that the parents preferred the sister, is it right to honour that preference? Not all wishes should be honoured, imo.

I don’t think it’s that straight forward. Seeing her sister is going to be a hurtful reminder that her parents made a decision that the OP was somehow worth less. You can’t measure love, you can’t measure care, you can’t measure appreciation. But money is very powerful in relationships because it can so clearly be measured.

i think it would be especially painful that as the sister doesn’t want to make any changes to equal things or probably feels like her sister also thinks she is worth less. It is also equally shocking that the OP seemingly had no idea that this was on the cards. So she had to process grief with an unkind shock that this was planned and no one told her or have provided any explanation.

@Stilson - apologies if someone has already mentioned this, but presumably there are two wills here - one your mother's and the other your father's.

Presumably each parent made a will leaving their estate to the surviving spouse with the proviso that if the other spouse predeceased them (or unless they died simultaneously) that the estate would go to you and your sister.

So did the wills of both parents make an 80/20 split between your sister and you, or was that only the will of the parent that died last?

And were these wills recent or do they date back some time?

It was your Mother's decision. Respect that. She didn't have to declare her reasons, they might, at the time, have been very valid. Even if your sister did share the money more evenly you would still know that your Mother had reasons for what she did. It's very hurtful no matter what the outcome with your sister, but you still have your sister and she is more precious than money.

Really shitty of both your parents and your sister

I understand why you’re out want to cut ties and would probably do the same.

If the sister was interested in keeping the relationship and had a acceptable reason for why the split was what it was then you might expect her to tell the OP what the reason was in order to help keep the relationship.

That suggests either a) the parents in fact wanted that split and wanted it all along because they preferred one child which I think most people would feel is very unlikely or b) that there is actually a reason, but the sister doesn't want to say what it is (for example she convinced them to change the split etc).

b) would be consistent with her wanting to keep the money.

If the reason is simply that the parents preferred the sister, is it right to honour that preference? Not all wishes should be honoured, imo
Parents usually have reasons to prefer a sibling when they do.

I just can't believe as OP is stating there are no reasons at all. It makes no sense.

Nothing splits a family like inheritance.

My grandmother left her entire estate to her eldest daughter, leaving the remaining two daughters with very small bequests. Her reasoning, apparently, was that the eldest daughter was a widow and the other two had husbands...

It divided the family for YEARS. My brother and I (who each got 50% of our parents' estate) were talking about this only the other day - how when families fall out it's quite often over money.

Is there a reason why your parents decided on this unequal split? I can't imagine any parent would do this unless they had a very valid reason.

It’s so bizarre that there must be a reason. I bet your sister knows the reason, ask her. Knowing the reason will give you more peace. Is it your partner? Or have you challenges with addiction?

Where does OP say who died first?

The bad guys in this situation are your parents who did this, died, and left you to feel like this. But your sister is a massive xxxx too. I hope you're okay because it's really shite.

I am sorry, I should get out more, but in the meantime I rely on the words and works of the great writers and philosophers - Friedrich Dürrenmat - he said if you get any random person, regular person off the street and lock them up in a police cell without any specific charge and leave them there, in a while this person will realise what was the wrong he committed for which he should be sentenced.

Basically, we are all guilty of something, some of us just bury it more effectively.

At the very least they should have given OP the head’s up and given their reasons rather than blindsiding her.

I don’t think this just about the parents. It’s also about the sibling relationship, it’s against any sistership principles and if a sibling prioritised money over me they would lose me as a sibling.

I just can't imagine how hurtful this must feel OP, firstly from your parents and then your sister.
I don't understand the 'honouring wishes' things as I cannot imagine doing this to my sister. As much as PP have said your sister should worth more than the money - surely that should also apply to your sister! I can't imagine that I would ever want the money enough (if I were left it all) that I would happily (greedily even?) keep it all in favour or trying to heal my sisters hurt feelings.

From a personal perspective my DF recently had a conversation with me about an asset that was bought with money that could technically be construed as would have been my inheritance - I told him to just split it evenly between me and my sister, assuming he had been fretting about whether it should be left 100% to me, as I didn't feel that it would worth the fall out if she felt hard done by on this decision.

I am sorry but I don’t agree.
I am not saying you cut a child off or out for no good reason.
But I have seen up close a family where a disabled sibling (with significant physical difficulties) moved back in to look after one parent and then ended up looking after two.
The other sibling lived nearby, healthy, well off, good health. Did nothing and I mean nothing.
I had to watch my friend break over a decade and give up healthcare she often needed. Magic fairies do not appear.
The sibling was quite happy accepting money and other gifts during that time. Never visited either parent when dying.
The parents made a practical decision to leave their very modest home to the child who did all they could. As a few of us friends we helped when we could, but I got a real shock seeing how little help there was available when there is a carer in situ, even one who is significantly disabled.
Good job my friend has friends as the sibling has since turned the whole family against her. Apparently she stole the inheritance.
Of course I am biased as I am a friend to one sister and not the other but I could not let my disabled sister lift an 18 stone father, change his sheets and wash him whilst I was on yet another cruise not giving a shit.
I would say that’s cruel.