Unbalanced Inheritance Division

[Stilson]

I'll keep it brief, my parents both died some time ago, and I can't get over this.

The estate was split with 20% going to me and 80% to my sister. She gets £160k I get £40k.

Both about the same age, both been a part of the family equally, she is wealthier than me by a large margin.

I want to cut all ties as she refuses to balance out the amounts, even a 60:40 split.

We're it the other way round I would be uncomfortable with the settlements and would rectify it, she won't.

AIBU?

would be devastated obviously.

Yes they do. Occasionally the preference is understandable but a lot of the time it is just run of the mill favouritism. I don’t think that should be honoured.

Really unfair of your parents, but you put your sister in a very difficult situation basically threatening to cut her off unless she gives you money

Well, you've answered your own question, and you can certainly cut all ties with her. I very much doubt there is no back story, but anyway I can see why it would piss you off. Nobody can tell anyone else they are being unreasonable when it comes to who we want in our lives. You get to decide, and only you.

This was the will of your parents, their decision, their choice. I do understand how hurtful this is for you. That said I do think you’re not being fair to your sister by expecting her to right the wrong you perceive done to you by your parents. It was not her choice. To cut her off because she refuses to split the money in a percentage deemed fair by you is awful. You’ve transferred your resentment towards your parents wishes to your sister.

Disability is a very different issue though because the capacity to work may be affected. Equally, someone who has given up work to be a FT carer may be acknowledged financially. But OP has not reported either issue here.

It's extremely unusual to write a will like that without the recipients having any understanding why. Is there no note or letter with it? Has your sibling been told any reasoning?

Well her sister has put OP a in a very difficult situation. In which she prioritises money over OP.

Exactly this. Your sister can respect your parents’ wishes. How you react is about you. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here imo.

Her sister is just following her parents wishes, which is uncomfortable, but what her parents have asked to happen.

Hmmmm.

Because presumably the parents left the money to the sibling no strings attached.

So it is the siblings right to do what they want with it after they have inherited it.

Including giving some of it to their other sister if they want to.

Hiding behind the excuse "it was the parents wishes" doesn't quite cut it for me.

As others have said, there must be a reason. It could be as simple and awful as they preferred OP's sister, or there could be a much darker secret/reason behind it.

I think it also depends on what OP's sister is like. Is she normally fair and generous? If so, that would make her not sharing the money seem unusual and would make me suspect she's aware of the reason.

I think parents doing this is terrible. It's such an awful, final, lasting message to send to your child, and can cause lasting division between siblings. If parents want to leave the money unequally, they should have the decency and bravery to write a letter to go with the will that explains why.

Will could have been made when sister wasn’t wealthy, and I get the impression is your younger sister (?) Were you in a relationship or marriage that would mean you were somewhat financially protected OP? or the opposite?? a partner your parents didn’t get on with. I know of an unequal split but it was for good reasons and the person explained those reasons to the children before he died. There will absolutely be a reason, they’ll have thought you just more competent at one point, and worried about your sister. She may know fine well why but not disclose? MH issues?

Obviously I don't know OP's sister or her character; but in general, if this happened, I would be seriously wondering whether the sister had coerced her parents, or even had a new will drawn up, telling them that it just tidied up a few trivial legal details, and got them to sign it - maybe with failing eyesight, cognitive deterioration, signs of dementia or whatever.

If this had been the case, manipulating it so that you get 100% and the other gets zero would naturally be hugely tempting for a dishonest person, but it would be very questionable indeed and much harder to get away with; whereas because £40K is still a very sizeable amount, and 20% still a significant proportion, it could be explained away far more easily with some 'reason' or another as to why they wanted her to have a much greater share.

I wondered if my DGM might do something similar and make her will out wholly to me (she survived both of her own DC), with nothing to my DSis, who is very disabled and lives much further away, as she wasn't able to travel to see her. DGM had severe mental health issues, wouldn't have/use a phone or the internet and didn't have a realistic grasp of reality, so she lived in a small world where I visited her regularly, and helped and did shopping for her, and my DSis never did.

As it happens, I was able to carefully and respectfully steer her to making a will (it turns out that she didn't have one at all, as she was afraid of 'tempting fate', although she was already very elderly), including a much-loved charity that she excpressly wanted to give a nice sum to etc... she did leave it 50/50 to us both; but if she had left it all to me, I would have instantly considered it an essential additional admin task following her death to ensure that my DSis got her rightful half.

Having been party to my own parents giving more to my DB's than me i know it feels bad. Mine isnt remotely the kind of figures you have but more akin to 'the car goes to brother 1 and he bought brother 2 a motorbike'. I got a third split of all monies. It wasnt like yours but it just didnt make sense to leave on a unbalanced note and even though i appreciate the help its given me. It has effected how i remember them.

That said, i do know that even though i try to convince myself there was no reason for it, maybe there was. I/they didnt have much of an adult relationship. My brothers did have adult relationships with them and they also made sure their grandchildren had contact too. Mine couldnt really care less as they were strangers.

I bet if you look closely and are honest with yourself there are reasons. However the difference in your heritance is down to your parents more than your DS.

I can only suggest you move on.

There absolutely has to be a different side to this, but in the absence of that and on your scant background alone, then YANBU.

Nobody decided on that split without having a reason. It's not an oversight. On that basis, if I were your sister, I'd honour the parents wishes. Otherwise what is the point of the will? You can say there is no reason... but there is.

It’s not just about the will of the parents it’s also about the choice of her sister.

I’d never prioritise money over my siblings because it’s patently unfair. Of course DSIS has the choice to right thé perceived wrong. If she chooses not to and prioritise money over her sibling that’s fine, but OP has the choice to react accordingly.

yes this - a friend of mine discovered her DM had left her, admittedly small, estate to 2 out the 3 DC - luckily she was executor, and one of the favoured two - so the two of them just agreed to keep quiet and split it three ways. the third sibling never knew.

your sister is not a decent human being @Stilson

Thats sounds really hurtful OP unless there's some massive backstory like she was your parents carer or made much more of an effort with them.

However I help care for my Mum and do alot of day to day stuff with her, make sure I see her several times a week, sort her shopping, invite her round for dinner, take her out on day trips, bring her on holiday and take her to appointments, compared to my brothers who only see her a few times a year. However as far as I know she intends to split her inheritance equally between myself and my brothers and if she didn't, I probably would (unless it was nominal like 40/30/30 but I'd definitely put things right if it was 80/10/10).

I can't believe parents would do this sort of thing without explaination though, all it does is leave resentment, leaving them to hash it out between themselves and children who feel unloved.

I never much like reading posts where every sentence has its own separate paragraph. Is this a new thing, or what?

but in general, if this happened, I would be seriously wondering whether the sister had coerced her parents, or even had a new will drawn up, telling them that it just tidied up a few trivial legal details, and got them to sign it - maybe with failing eyesight, cognitive deterioration, signs of dementia or whatever.

Absolutely a possibility. It’s not uncommon. It happened in my family. And also to the parents of an old friend.

Money does funny things to people.

I can't imagine getting 80% of my parents estate, and smirk at my siblings saying "it's their wish, get over it".

Otherwise what is the point of the will?
The will is not there to stop people to do whatever they want with their share.

On threads like these, I always imagine those who are horrified by uneven splits are living the 'dream' of decent siblings!
In my extended family, there is a similar example of an uneven split whereupon the child receiving the largest share spent a decade of their life caring and supporting, whilst the other gave a cursory visit once a month.

The golden child theory is complex too. I've known of a few people who considered themselves unfavoured, and in general all of these cases involved 'unfavoured' people whose relationship with their parents suffered due to their approach to their parents, and not the other way around. Often, people prone to jealousy. "They always favoured my brother/sister anyway" can be a convenient excuse for uninterested adult children.

I hope you do break contact. That'll save your poor sister from having such an ungrateful sibling!