Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

You sound absolutely delightful and please would you adopt me?

You may have already done this, but now you are more conscious of the ticket situation, and know your GD can be avoidant, is it worth sending a follow up message specifically saying that you would be happy to wait in a cafe, watch on a screen etc and meet after? She may be better able to deal with that as a known quantity/given rather than facing discussing the ticket issue from a cold start? Just a thought.

Well I don't know - none of us do. But that's kind of the point I'm making. Perhaps it's all just got a bit much and she's struggling to work anything out at the moment.

I know I have thrown out suggestions or invites to people in the moment and then later thought "shit, I really can't have/don't want them there". Humans are imperfect. Super rude and annoying as that is.

Yes I know humans are imperfect but to invite your grandparents to a graduation and then just ignore them is pretty awful behaviour

I would personally do nothing. They've tried to discuss the issue more than once and got nowhere.

I know this possibly isn’t the case, but is she actually going to the graduation ceremony? Some students do duck out and don’t want the fuss?

She’s also somewhat immature to get hung up on a first. Plenty don’t get that but it doesn’t stop them moving on with a career.

Is that another barrier here too? Has she got a job or further training lined up? Everyone will be asking and sharing their future expectations so is this an issue for her? She’s a bit of a golden girl on a pedestal right now, but what does the future look like? Is it not as rosy right now as she would like?

Thinking back to when I was that age, she might have a rather specific vision for what her 'big day' looks like. She's perhaps inferred from your booking that it's going to be two days of full on family, but it sounds like you're far more relaxed about that. I suspect a misunderstanding and a bit of an overreaction on her part.

I'd cut her a little slack. These things can mean a huge amount at that age and I could certainly see that it would be a massive big deal for someone with her background.

No excuse for being rude!

She sounds rude and entitled.

I feel for you OP and your OH as it sounds like she expects people to read minds!

OP, young people can be a pain at this age but they do get much better. Stick with her.
I am guessing she was hoping for some posh elaborate stay/ occasion like her peers with posh rich parents are getting.

She's sounds like a nasty little madam .

No-one here knows or can tell OP what is going on.

DGC could just be extermely rude - maybe there stuff going on OP is unaware of or OP unintentionally upset her with maybe assuming 2:1 is a disappointment - or maybe OP has form for taking over plans and centering herself - (I have family like this and they are spectacularly unaware and if pointed out deny and seem astounded) or maybe it's crossed wires and miscommuication.

OP need to talk to the mum or DGC and find out what is going on and if they are not responding - not sure what you can do. Give it time and keep trying.

@ FallsFarFromTheTree

The ceremony is live streamed at Oxford - I watched a family member graduate at the Sheldonian 3 years ago

Info re degree ceremonies here

Degree ceremonies | Oxford University

If the girl is smart enough to read law at Oxford, she is clever enough to know EXACTLY what, and how, she was saying.

I would be VERY surprised if that was so. Council flat, manual labour: we’ve only got a bit of disposable income now because our place is paid for.

She’s volunteering in a position that involves helping people find out what their rights are, & applying to be a parliamentary assistant.

She then wants to do a Masters or look for a pupillage.

Many thanks for this.

The time she told us is definitely there.

I’d cancel the booking, the reaction was rude and uncalled for..

I'm so sorry it's the way it is.
One never knows what's going on in the minds of others, especially when they have been abandoned, presumably have trust issues stemming from their experiences and communication is a challenge between human being since forever.

I have similar experiences and the only way is living nearby, consistently communicating and building trust and the relationship. This is often near impossible, as it is in my case. I cannot prove myself and my intentions when there's a natural / self-made protective barrier and poor communication, and because we live 6 hours away. I keep trying - 6 years of messages, texting and sometimes it feels we're no where better.

So it takes to 25 to learn good manners? My kids would never have behaved like that to their GPs at any age!

I just want to say that you sound incredibly thoughtful. I only had one gran. My other gran died 3 months before I was born. She died 16 years ago very suddenly. Massive stroke. I graduated again last year in my 50s and I only have two close family members now, my mum and my brother. There was no streaming of my ceremony although they do go on you tube in full at a later date.

It's normal to feel disappointed at getting a 2:1. But that's a great grade at a prestigious uni. I got a 2:1 for my last degree and I knew when I was in year 3 I wasn't going to get a first -but I'm proud of it (I'm in Scotland and my first degree wasn't honours ).

I did my last degree at the ou and lots of people there strive for a first but a 2:1 is a really good achievement.

I think you have every right to feel upset particularly as she scolded you and is now blanking you. I also think she will regret it later if she doesn't at least reach out to you and speak to you before the day.

Agreed, I too would cancel after that rude outburst. Stay home. I would not like to walk into an ambush of anger at the event. It is strange though and an explanation is very much deserved.

Nice

Not sure if I made it clear in the OP but I didn’t get the email of displeasure until it was too late to cancel.

So the booking stands whatever.

I’m not really clear what ‘boundaries’ you can have in mind.

Drop her from the birthday card list?

Never speak to her again?

Do what her father’s actual mother used to do & only get a Christmas present for one of the two girls?

it’s not like we live in each other’s pockets anyway.

Don't drag you and your husband there. Let her have her day the way it pans out for her. If it's a disappointment - then it's down to her, not you. She may well have other issues which stem from her father. You can't do more than you have. You'll just have to write-off any financial loss you've incurred.

I honestly think it's awful what she's done. You've been kind enough to pay for accommodation for everyone and she's sent you a snotty email expressing displeasure when it was too late for you to cancel. And her mum has dropped out of contact too yes?