Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

I feel very sorry for you OP. If you have upset her in some way it was most definitely not intentional and it’s wrong of her not to communicate with you. You sound easy going and don’t mind if there’s been a problem with the tickets. I think all you can do is text again to say that there’s obviously been a misunderstanding and if you have upset her in some way it wasn’t intentional, that you’re happy to go with the flow but you need to know what’s going on.
The only other thing you can do is to try to talk to her mother.
If there’s a problem with her Mum attending it’s hardly your fault.
You would think she would be a bit more considerate given her grandfather’s state of health but as you say if she’s a shit she’s your shit and you don’t want to fall out with her.

That’s very sweet of you.

i couldn’t have kids myself (5 miscarriages) & it is rather a “love requires an object” situation for me, & for OH its also remorse for having lost contact with his son & seeing the pattern of family breakup repeated…

People have been so kind & encouraging: it’s really helpful to think things through.

Oh that’s all fine.

it’s just that they will need somewhere to stay (and we have provided that, having confirmed with her on the face-to-face that she would not have accommodation provided by her college).

I’m more hurt by the lack of communication.

No no: when I say we have booked, of course we have also paid!

That’s a given: we have more disposable income & we offered to.

I’d have booked them the transport there too: i was just waiting to know when on the Thursday younger GD would be out of school to know what time we could leave London.

i remember what it was like as a teen & young adult to have absolutely no spare money at all & what a difference a little makes.

The silent treatment is rude by the standards of any reasonable person. Please don’t accept this treatment, she is an adult woman and no good will come from making excuses for her behaviour.

Get a grip!
The OP has been treated terribly, and yet you are getting uppity with me over language!

OK, giving her the benefit of the doubt as I have recently been through 3 graduations with my emotional daughters...it sounds like she is really stressed out. Her mum not being sure if she can make it has possibly de-railed her and then she maybe feels like she can't move forward until she knows who can go. She might not feel close enough to you to spend time together without her mum there? And then these plans have been made, a huge 5 bedroom flat booked...and she doesn't really know what's going on. She will also be uber-worried about not having many friends, graduation can be a real reminder of that, and the overwhelm of having to get up and stride across the stage for less than a minute. It's a big day isn't it and she sounds like she let's the excitement get to her as major anxiety...which can make everything a misery!

Can you cancel the accommodation at this point? I would. Then just sit back and wait - message them all to say you've done this, no pressure and no problem if it's no longer an invitation to attend.

You could not be more wrong!

Her Mum is a sterling character & someone we admire very much.

I’m partly surprised because I know she’s been raised to have better manners than this.

But I think a default of cutting ties rather than working things through may be something she has learnt.

Isnt it interesting how people project?

Please don't help perpetuate this debunked, unscientific crap.

And before it WAS debunked, it didn't mean that young adults couldn't help acting up like 5-year olds till they turned 25.

Stop making excuses for spoiled, entitled brats.

Sorry, I don't really understand.

"Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for)."

What exactly did she say? Is it that she wanted to book it, or actually she doesn't want you to come, or what?

Like... It doesn't really matter to your plans if her mum can get time off on those days as it's not moveable and she needs somewhere to stay I assume? And if you go then at least someone is there from her family?

I agree. I had a mortgage and a marriage by 25. Both requiring planning, forethought and responsible behaviour (and not being a little shit to a single relative).

That doesn't really excuse the scolding and the radio silence.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

How was that understood - was it understood by anyone saying oh you/we will book the accomodation or did you assume this was required?

I still think a thank you would have been better reply but I wonder if they already had plans or feel you are taking over the day a bit.

I worried about this with my IL and DD1 graduation and there were some dig moments at DH but mostly me but overall they fitted in with the plan for the day - watched in overflow area with the other two late teen adult kids, they were a pain with photos but we got through that and went for a meal afterwards. They did more digs aftewards picture I took of them framed as called superior heavily implied because I am not in it which is part of the course with them TBH.

I do think here they should be picking up the phone and explaining themselves a bit more TBH.

But equally there are often screens set up for 'extras' to go and watch/wait while the formal part takes place. Extra tickets can be requested. We have had parties of up to 8 people at our graduations (from 2016 onwards). This has included half the party flying from overseas. Those without the tickets have still clearly enjoyed the atmosphere and the pre- and post graduation get togethers.

Sounds odd - but sadly quite expensive if the OP booked without the opportunity of cancellation. Has GD got together with her ex classmates and finds that she is the only one with a 2:1 (a good law degree but might not give her the options she wanted in a world where Firsts are essential for getting into law companies)? Has she decided that she does not want to go to her graduation?

God I hope so!

But she was talking quite a lot of detail about it - she got a first in the area of law she wants to specialise in, for example

I hope that’s not all confabulation: we’d have a whole new set of problems if it was!

You normally get two and then apply for extra, when I graduated it was a raffle system. I actually got mine which I was surprised about because I asked for 4 extra (step parents, my now husband and my Nana). Maybe she was late and didn’t get them, now she’s embarrassed and moody.

Tbh from the sounds of it she’s not being very nice and I think you and your husband should just go and have a day out. If it’s all paid for then you guys may as well have a good time.

Also, if I was that rude to any of my GPs my mum or dad would have absolutely read me the riot act.

OP, you do sound lovely and she is appallingly rude.
I have several children around this age and that type of rudeness is not normal at all.
It certainly isn't acceptable.

Lots of young people have hard set ups with family break ups.
That doesn't give them the right to be so rude to an elderly relative.

Be careful of sending a message to her that it is acceptable behaviour.

Life is going to be very difficult going forward for her, if she thinks people will tolerate being treated so poorly by her.

A first is not essential for getting a training contract in law in the UK. Many companies set the minimum requirement as a 2:1

You'll get that I'm afraid. That word has gone right out of favour, so it's not advisable to chuck it around on MN.

What you do in private is obviously up to you, but if you post a misogynist insult on a public forum, especially with no other reasoned comment, you're going to get called out 🤷🏻

Sorry, I don't really understand.

That's the whole point of this thread. None of us understand, not least the OP.

Like ..that's what we've all been discussing!

eta a random "like"

We didn’t take them in: we live a couple of hundred miles away in a 1 bedroom flat & i was still having chemo.

The eviction was on August bank holiday, & GD#1 was due to start at her high school on the Tuesday.

They were put in temporary accommodation in the worst block of flats in London (possibly the only one left with no security entrance, so junkies were shooting up & indeed crapping on the stairs).

It was the other side of London from their schools, but their Mum kept them attending. I travelled down as soon as I could to try & help.

The eviction, it turned out, was illegal: that may be where GK#1 got her interest in the law.

Quite unexpected & not typical, though she is somewhat socially awkward & maybe a bit avoidant?

OP You sound just lovely ! All I can say is can you please be my Grandma !

Based on all the info about her that you've given, I wonder if a combination of emotions surrounding completing her degree and what that means next, not getting a result she deems good enough, and all the other challenges she's faced in life are culminating to that the people she feels "safest" with, i.e. you and Grandad, are on the receiving end of the the emotional fallout.

This isn't to excuse her, it's not ok to treat people that way and she needs to make it right, but I do remember what I was like at 21 and also being the child of a very tumultuous upbringing. Sometimes the larger life events trigger a bit of an emotional breakdown. They just tip the balance too much.

I do hope her or her mother actually let you know what the issue is and that you get to celebrate her success with them all, even if it's not for the graduation ceremony. You sound lovely and I'm sure she does really appreciate you, sometimes we just let ourselves down with our most valuable people.

If that's the case then why ask extended family to the graduation in the first place? Know that they are going to book and pay for accommodation and then just ignore them