Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

@YourGoldLurker I feel it’s the “everyone” that’s the issue. This isn’t an event for everyone. It’s usually 2 guests per student and many students then go out with friends. Grandparents are superfluous.

@ProfessoressaSazzasez So she’s not got a job either. She will need the Barristers course to be a barrister and she should be starting this soon. This month and should have applied for funds to cover costs from an Inn of Court. You can apply for pupillage before the course but she’s presumably not applied for anything: course or pupillage. She doesn’t need a masters. She’s possibly drifting somewhat whilst others are cracking on with their careers. This might be an issue too. Where is she going to live in future?

In that case why was there ever a conversation about the grandparents being there ?

I really don’t know.

She has been the youngest in her cohort all her life, & seems keen do this parliamentary assistant job, or a masters for a year.

She has always been a perfectionist with a strong work ethic - at school she was disappointed that “only” 7 of her GCSEs were A*, and the other 5 or 6 mere As, so I do think the 2:1 has been a bit of a setback for her.

That certainly doesn’t come from us. OH got a 2:1. I got a first (to my surprise, though apparently not other people’s). But then, I didn’t go to Oxford. People simply don’t care about it after the first job or so.

And an Oxford 2:1 in jurisprudence, at age 20 when she did the finals, is nothing to be sneezed at.

Also: I know people have been talking about boundaries. I think this is one. It’s absolutely not our place to interfere in her choices of study/career.

We have no legal relatives (indeed she has very few relatives at all) or contacts in the law who could advise.

But anyway: that’s not our job!

This is bizarre. I can't work out what you might have done 'wrong' / what's been miscommunicated. Hope your granddaughter or her mum get in touch soon with more info.

There may be an issue with her mum that means she may not be seeing texts & emails. When we saw each other in August it’s clear DiL’s cataracts are very bad (she’s waiting for operation). So I’m not 100% sure if she’s reading the messages.

What's wrong with young folk nowadays?! I'll gloss over the discussion about what to wear for photos (honestly, it really doesn't matter) but the ingratitude and selfishness is staggering. You've tried your best to be accommodating and helpful. I wouldn't waste any more time and effort on it.

Really sorry you are heartbroken over this. I would be, if l was in the same position as you.

You seem like a real loving person. A lot of young adults would be more than pleased to have a caring Gran like you.

Your GD sounds a bit selfish and haughty to me. It is not as though she has paid for the flat. She has made mess of things and is trying to blame you.

To keep the peace if you can't get a refund on your flat. Just turn up have a proper English breakfast at a nearby cafe.

If you can't find one see if you can find a Wetherspoons. They do a decent brekkie

At most graduation ceremonies. They used to take official photos and have videos for sale. Probably old hat now. But l suspect students and their parents will be recording stuff on mobiles. If this is allowed.

So don't worry you will be able to get a photo/recording from somewhere.

Hope Grand dad and all of your family enjoy the day.

🎓👏👍😻
X

Thank you to everyone for your takes, sympathy, advice & perspectives.

I felt we’d better make a decision while there’s still time - leave things unsaid & eventually there is no need to say them.

So I’ve emailed all three of them.

Said we’re sorry if there’s a misunderstanding, though we don’t understand how.

Said GC1 could have communicated better & been more understanding. Pointed out communication skills are life skills & avoid embarrassment.

Said we understand tickets to the event are limited & we are not at all bothered whether we’re in the room or not.

Said we’re sorry to hear DiL is having difficulty getting time off work & hope that has been resolved & she can be there.

Pointed out that by the time GC1 replied it was too late for us to cancel the booking, so it stands.

Said we plan to be using it.

And that as they know OH’s state of health they will know why we are staying for the two nights - and that this of course need have no bearing on what they decide to do.

And that literally all we want to do is to cheer GC1 when she emerges with a parchment. And that it would be a great pity if she doesn’t have people who care for her there.

Pointed out there are another 3 beds available in the flat, & that if any of the three of them needs them for either night, they will be very welcome, & if they want to meet for a drink or a meal either evening, to let us know.

And that’s all.

I sounded rather stiff & snotty, I must say, & I feel as if Ive lobbed a grenade…

But we’ll go & have a nice wander round Oxford & maybe I’ll look up my brother for a cuppa.

(I do hope she hasn’t screwed up her degree & been too scared to say, though…)

I would message that to her? Explain that you are happy to be in the town and have maybe a meal with her before she goes off to celebrate with her friends?
my 20yo GD has become very selfish and rude and I’m hoping it’s a phase as it has made me very sad, so I do understand.

You sound very supportive and loving. I’m sorry you’re navigating this situation however you are doing so with love, grace and kindness which is rare these days. I hope that you either get to see her Graduate or to celebrate with her at some point. I do wonder if she left it too late to book tickets and panicked however that’s immaterial - I hope comms are re-established quickly and for a happy resolution

Jesus Christ what an absolute ordeal for a seemingly grown up affair. The majority of graduates have parents and go for a meal together after. Grandparents will usually be sent a photo at a later time. I don’t get why she’s creating about it

I lost my last grandparent recently - my beloved grandma, to whom I was very very close. Your lovely posts are making me well up and miss my GM even more. Bless you for being so patient and kind

Not stiff and snotty at all imo, loving, generous, straightforward and open hearted is how I read it

Sorry, that was clear, I wasn't - I think she thinks you've offered to pay.. but not actually stay there yourself. Or possibly that it was just an idea... and you've taken it as a definite 'go ahead' and now she's realised she doesn't want that...

Reading this, my first thought was - has she failed her degree or got a lower class than what she has told you?

Well done. Hope you get a good response.

For what it’s worth I was a snotty little madam at a few points in my twenties, and I’ll always remember the moments when people I respected and loved quietly told me to knock it off. It didn’t have an immediate magic effect, but it did sink in over the long term.

Wow i would never have spoken to my grandma like thats really shocking

there clearly yas been a mis communication

can you cancel ? Get train tickets last min?
rather taken shine off the day

her mum can pull a sickie ? What job wont give day off for a child graduating maybe theses more going on you dont know about ???

oh lordy she failed her degree hasn’t she ??

otherwise shed be on cloud nine

She doesn't sound like she's failed her degree

Why would she have failed her degree. She wouldn't have asked family to book accommodation for graduation if she had. Results would have been months ago

That doesn't excuse the radio silence.

Hope you get a positive reply soon @ProfessoressaSazzasez

Have you or OH actually tried to call his DiL? If you're not sure she can read messages at the moment (and even if she can it will be quicker). Surely she would call back if asked.