Granddaughter’s rage over graduation plans.

[ProfessoressaSazzasez]

A few weeks ago OH (80, frail) & I met up with his daughter-in-law & grandkids to give GK#1 a 21st birthday gift & congratulate her on her law degree. I know she was disappointed to “only” have got a 2:1 but it’s from a very famous university & bloody good.

They have had their struggles: their Dad (my stepson) went AWOL from parenthood ten years ago, they were illegally evicted & homeless.
We are very proud of them.

GK invited us to her graduation (on a Friday), we talked about planning the trip & what she wanted us to wear for the photos, & DiL getting a day of work, GK#2 taking the day off school to be there.
OH & I both understood we were being asked to book the accommodation for the 5 of us & travel together.

So I booked us a flat for 2 nights - Thursday & Friday - & forwarded the confirmation asking when we could go up on the Thursday so I could book train tickets.

No reply.

Left a voicemail in case they’d missed the email.

Emailed again.

Got a scolding reply from GK#1 telling me it’s HER big day and she’s shocked, SHOCKED I booked accommodation (after we both understood we were being asked to, & checking with her whether she’d need it too) & complaining her mum is finding it hard to get time off from work (which I do not think I can be blamed for).

So I have no idea what’s going on.

i replied that of course it’s her big day & up to her who she has there, that she might forgive me if I misunderstood what she wanted, & pointed out that it’s too late to cancel the booking, but she’s welcome to use the accommodation if she wants.

I said if she wanted her granddad there she should let us know.

It’s a trek for us to get there, & not cheap: OH is blind & i cant drive, so the earlier we can book train tickets the better.

Silence since then.

What to do?

Am I unreasonable to feel rather hurt by this?

Did she actually invite you?
Or have you sort of invited yourselves? It sounds as though you are desperate for a relationship with her, but given the way she (and her family) have been treated by your step son, I can understand that she may not want that connection.

It sounds as though she might have been railroaded at the breakfast into having plans agreed by others.

Has anyone asked her how she wanted the event to go? What her plans were?

Oh that's so sad for you. If there have been crossed wires somewhere, she could so easily clarify and apologise for the effort/ expense you have gone to. It is normal to have a limited number of guests at graduation but wider family and friends can celebrate together afterwards. Your suggestion of sitting in a cafe and meeting them afterwards is perfect. I think you might be right that this is a lashing out because of previous rejections in her life. But so thoughtless to her grandpa and you.

For what it’s worth, my son had two Sheldonian tickets which he gave to me and his father (we’re separated), and four tickets for the day-long shindig with lunch at his college (me, his dad, our other son, and his girlfriend). He felt really bad that my partner couldn’t be accommodated at either. (Partner had an absolutely lovely time going round the museums instead and didn’t mind at all.) I think lots of graduating students are put in difficult positions by the limitations on tickets - it basically forces you to place your favourite/most important people in rank order.

That said, I’m not usually on the punitive side of these threads but I think I would want to put down some sort of marker over this, because she has been really fucking rude to two people who have bent over backwards to be loving and generous. I think I would want to find a way to tell her how hurt her grandfather is, and how genuinely surprised you are about the tone of her message. I wouldn’t do it at graduation itself because that really is her day, but I think I would say something before too much time has passed.

I agree with those who think she's gone a bit 'graduation happy' and invited everyone she knows, only to now find out that there are very few tickets for a graduation and she's now got to rescind invitations. Which is always going to be embarrassing for anyone.

She might well calm down when she's had a think and if you've made it very obvious that you don't mind not being at the actual ceremony and will take her out for a meal at some point afterwards.

Two of my kids graduated on the same day in different cities miles apart. I went to one and XH went to the other, but it was horrible having to 'choose' which child I saw graduate!

The Oracle has spoken 🙄

What on earth is the matter with her then, she had the opportunity then to speak up.

Did she respond when you sent her the accommodation details?

Re graduation tickets, a relative recently got 4 tickets (plus 1 for herself) so it is possible. A couple of people should be prepared to be on standby.

She is actually graduating isn't she? I know it sounds dramatic but a friend's son failed his degree and didn't tell them until a few days before the ceremony

Leaving University is a time of change. You are changing the life you've had for 3 years and going out into the world to be a proper grown up adult.

Perhaps it's this she's struggling with. Almost like a bereavement for her former academic life?

All very strange. Might it be that you are only related by marriage an issue, so you are perhaps perceived as controlling and having taken over arrangements, even though OH may not be in a position to do it. Agree about two ticket limit but even so there are often spares available nearer the time and a venue with video link nearby, so you can go, watch and meet up afterwards. Or maybe she is just overwhelmed by the whole event and feeling a bit over it. Does she have a training contract or job to go on to yet?

Even if tickets are limited it doesn't stop them all having a couple of nights away & a meal together.

It might be to do with her mum finding it difficult to get time off work & she might have wanted to know for sure who could be there before anything was booked.

She might also have wanted some input on the accommodation before it was booked.

I can see how she's got a sense of no control about it all.

Should be easily resolved though but not if she won't talk!

I'd book the tickets and go. Tell her if you are invited you'd love to attend the ceremony, but if not you'll be there to celebrate with her after.

Plan to go, book tickets and act like you are happy to see her just for short dinner. Be prepared to have some of her friends eating with you. Ask her to book restaurant.

Oh I was just referring to the mention of it, not suggesting they were staying there.

The hotel name implied the university, which helped confirm how many tickets would be available.

It sounds like a misunderstanding or she’s realised that tickets are limited and that she’d prefer to be out celebrating with her friends. It’s fairly normal to be self centred at this age - she can only improve - I hope someone lets you know what’s going on.

😳

She's handled it really badly, so I am NOT saying this to exonerate her, but rather to make a suggestion as to what could have triggered her bad behaviour.

Sometimes my mum tends to jump the gun in her enthusiasm about something and it can feel a bit suffocating. For instance, I had mentioned to her a few years ago I thought I might be being invited to a particular event, though had not yet had confirmation of this. She phoned me a day or so later because she had seen a dress she thought would be appropriate for it and had asked the shop to put it aside "just in case." She was only trying to be helpful, but for some reason it was really irritating - probably because it felt as though she was over-invested in the whole possibility, and somewhere in my mind it felt like pressure to come through with an invitation - ridiculous as that in fact is.

Even though it turned out I was invited, I still felt a bit short with her for jumping the gun. If it has turned out the tickets are limited beyond what she expected, it could be something like this OP.

The Randolph is clearly somewhere I will never stay! 😔

Being convinced you were asked to do something and actually being asked to do something are two very different things

Selfish, haughty, full of herself and totslly dismissive of other people's feelings.

She'll make an absolutely brilliant lawyer. I'd cancel it all and just send her a card saying that.

Also following up on the Randolf hint. She'll get 3 tickets for the Sheldonian, which she'll want to use for her Mum and sisters, no possibility of more. It is EXTREMELY inaccessible and uncomfortable so you're probably better off out of it. BUT ALSO, the rest of the day there will probably be events and celebrations in her college and these are probably also limited to 3 guests. You may be able to actually call her college lodge and confirm whether this is the case (will never come back to her that you did this). In which case, sitting in a cafe and cheering afterwards will also be a bit of a washout excursion for you. This may be why she's embarrassed to have to effectively uninvite you because there is very little time you can join in on -- unless she skips the college bits, which she probably doesn't want to do.

If you would still want to go despite being out in the cold much of the day on the Friday, you could message her saying you've realised this and are now planning to do something else specific during the day on the Friday and hope to join them all for dinner.

Otherwise, I'm sorry, she should have checked for numbers before inviting you, it's a shame, but it it was never going to work. No excuse to be rude, but I think that's what's happened.

I work at a university and volunteer at graduations - so many people do this, you won't be the only one.

It may be that the university are streaming the ceremony live in a lecture theatre so you can sit in there or there may even be spare tickets available on the day, so there's no harm in still going. It also means that you'll be able to get photos with her all dressed up 😊

I work at the University the GD has gone to.... There will be no streaming, no spare tickets, and the rest of the day will be in the college, also ticketed. Unfortunately this particular university is very unhelpful for wider family celebrations for graduations.

I personally can't see what you've done wrong.

Sorry my post hit send before I meant it to. Even if your granddaughter can't get extra tickets surely there's no reason why you couldn't all go out for a meal afterwards. I think it's really bizarre that you are being blanked not only by your granddaughter but by her mum.

The granddaughter will surely have known how many tickets she could get for family when she booked the graduation slot. I graduated last year and it was made clear on the form how many people could attend as guests