AIBU to move our family from London to my home town?

[CoatsforGoats]

AIBU to move our family out of London to live in the town I grew up in? 3 children under 5 at the moment, so possibly imagining an easier life where getting the buggy around isn't as much of a daily challenge. We have been thinking about it as a family for a couple of years and feel completely stuck.

Points to note

• DH job is firmly London so he would be away part of the week (thinking Mon - Wed or Thursday as a pattern)
• We have a lovely little house in London BUT I am aware of the pollution here, and even walking to the park from our house involves a lot of passing traffic. Middle DC coughs at the fumes and it breaks my heart.
• The town I am from is nice and interesting (altho I haven't lived there in years) plenty going on in terms of culture and sport, good access to mountains and excellent walking/forest nearby.
• We would be able to buy a bigger house and have a much bigger garden if we left.
• We don't really have family here or in the town. Some family are overseas and location doesn't make a huge difference either way.

I guess part of it is that neither of us grew up in London, so that feels like an unknown quantity for us, and we are a bit worried about how a London upbringing might be for older primary aged children and into teen years.

It depends on the town. We moved out to Cheshire and whilst yes, the kids can do some activities, the niche ones are much harder to find. So football and cricket fine, fencing less easy to facilitate.
School is easier - it's much less pressured than a London hot house. I remember calling the kids school and being amazed that not only could I book after school club on the day but the Headmaster answered himself.
I miss the theatre, meals out. We live close to the Peaks and the Beach. We never go because the kids clubs take over everything.

Sounds lovely although londons pollution levels are dropping

I haven't lived there in years

Things to consider -

How often do you go back there? Do you really know what it's like now, or are you just remembering it with nostalgia?

What about schools, public transport, shops - the things that will be important to your dc as they grow up?

Added cost of your dh needing somewhere to live in London - would he stay in a hotel, rent a room in a house, buy studio flat?

Your dh missing out on family life. Would you expect him to make a life for himself when he's in London, with friends, activities etc?

You having to deal with illness etc on your own

Job opportunities for you, if not now, when the dc are older?

Depends on the town. And a long commute will put a strain on your marriage, maybe. But I live in London and brought my children up here. London is a great place for children and teens. It can also help having a base there when they need to find jobs themselves.

Extremely good points so far. Yes, being the carer for DCs for part of the week is daunting. Still on mat leave at the moment so it's a very different set up to what we will have.

I work in accounting for a London-based office (although primarily from home), but could also do this in home town.

Regarding the base for DH, I think we would need to get a studio apartment which is doable in the budget if we balance it correctly.

London feels tough at the moment after a very hot summer and I think that has pushed us a little!

Im wondering a bit why it’s a qn of hometown or london, and not objectively great town where you and DH agree on your criteria and checklist? Maybe hometown best meets those criteria but there are a lot of great places in the UK
(I actually think London is fab and can’t imagine leaving myself).

A lot of london state schools are very good, have better funding than many regional schools. It is not difficult to get them into a decent school outside of a few pockets.
If you are going, go when the kids are young. Teenagers do not adjust well to moving away from london - obviously a generalisation but from what I have witnessed of friends who did. My kids love living in London and I love that they can walk to school and to see friends etc and public transport is brilliant. My friends who moved away spend literally hours a day in the car - school, shopping, play dates, activities etc.
DH being away half the week will take a toll on family life and your relationship. Where in london are you now? Would moving to zone 3/4 help - bigger houses, plenty of green space in some areas.

if you have no family ties to your hometown why not consider another location. One where your DP can commute into london for work so he's not gone for part of the week. I know lots of people who commute from south/essex and different areas in the midlands. Most of the time it's a 45 min journey into king's cross.

Everything @AlexandraCarrington said. Especially you possibly having rose- tinted glasses of growing up there. It might be quite different now. Also having DH away for a big chunk of the week will affect the family dynamic, and finances (as presumably he'd have to rent something in London?) I'd give that careful consideration as it's not easy way of life for any of you - husband with long tiring commute twice a week, you on your own with small kids, children missing Dad and vice versa. Plus being apart so much could lead to it affecting your marriage as well.

London can be great for older kids. All my friends with secondary age children have said how much easier it is as with good public transport kids don't have to be driven everywhere and have access to a wide variety of hobbies. (Mountains and walking won't be much of a benefit for many teenagers whereas easily seeing mates will be). Plus they will generally have a more diverse group of friends from different backgrounds than many small/mid sized towns. Plus of course once you sell up and move it is very very difficult to change your mind and move back (as one set of friends did as they never settled, despite being closer to family, and moved back at great cost).

It really depends on lots of factors whether this is a good move for you and family and some of it is of course the unknown.

We are in zone 2 east at the moment. It was fab when we were pre-kids, it feels like it's been harder to live here over the past couple of years. The place itself is absolutely great, I just think our needs have changed.

Zone 3/4 we have considered but then it seems to lack something (for us?) and wondered if it may just be a case of it taking longer on the overground to get to the places we wanted to go.

Pull back to hometown is partially just that we both know and like it and have a couple of friends there. We could absolutely try to find somewhere more commutable, we have tried this and it felt like we were just randomly scanning Google maps/driving out to the suburbs. There is a bit of a pull of 'home' for me too, it was where my family settled when we came over to the UK (although parents have moved back now).

It's difficult to answer.

I think the only issue with London is the housing cost. London is fantastic with kids, there's always something to do, any day of the week and any month of the year, and everything is easily accessible from there.

It's just as great when they are very little (parks, museums, soft plays etc etc), primary school or teenagers.

The town I am from is nice and interesting (altho I haven't lived there in years) plenty going on in terms of culture and sport, good access to mountains and excellent walking/forest nearby.

Before anything else, I'd book an airBnB and go and spend at least a week there to be honest.

DH being away would be the least of my issues: anyone who has to commute to the office, even much closer to central London, is not home until evenings when the kids are at most ready for bed, or even fast asleep anyway.

May seem like eons away but London is so easy to navigate and amazing once the youngest is around 4-5y old.
Even better for teens - you can do as much or as little as you want.

I can’t add much to what others have said, except to reinforce that London is a great place for children and teens and, if they don’t enjoy living in your hometown, later your children may not thank you for taking them away from London. (This has been much discussed on previous relocation threads).

I think London is amazing for kids and teens.
I don't know your hometown so can't comment on it, but in general terms if I was possibly leaving London I'd want to look deeper into schools, public transport, shops and facilities, and things to do. I'd spend a bit of time there to get a better sense of how much is really going on over time e.g. does one great theatre show come to town a year? Is that enough for you?
And I agree with those saying investigate all the things your kids do or are interested in; everything is so available in London that it's easy to start assuming it will all be present wherever you go.

I doubt your kids will thank you for the change once they are looking for work.

To add - everywhere is hard with 3 DC under 5.
And your options for things to do as an adult or family and how to get to these places may be much more limited elsewhere.

Think what this would look like when the kids are older, especially with DH working away. What happens when they want to do clubs in different directions at the same time, or you need to pick the oldest ( then early secondary) up from a club when the younger two should be in bed. I grew up in a rural area and now live in outer London, even this far out the freedom my teenage DS has is way more than I could’ve and while I do often give him a lift to clubs etc he can get to almost all of them by himself if needs be.

I think a big drawback would be your DH not being in the home Monday to Thursday. That is a huge negative and not to be under-estimated. He’ll have a long commute both those days, you’ll be tired when he gets home and be ready for some me-time. He’ll also be tired and feel out of the loop and slightly dis-engaged. How will you feel when you’re knee-deep in school runs, dinners, after school activities and your DH calls to tell you he’s off to the gym/out with friends/relaxing on the sofa? Or you’re by yourself working full/part-time and have to juggle sick days/school holidays, all by yourself ?

If you think living separately for half the week will work for your family - then do it.
Go for it.
🙂

I live in London. South east zone 3. The schools are fantastic - country leading and free. There’s so much green space. So much to do, I often take my tween to concerts and theatre and the like in the evenings.

Housing is a fucker, but if you can afford a house in your home town AND a studio in London which is a could few hundred thousand then you can afford a nice 3 bed in a nice area.

I know many people who have moved away. Some love it. But some really regret it. Schools are just rubbish in a lot of the country and ferrying kids around all the time is a nightmare. A lot of smaller towns have a lot of issues with ‘petty’ violence amongst teens too. I’d check all that out.

All this whilst DH is living in the city so unable to pitch in with anything AND probably enjoying all that the city has to offer because what else would he do in the evening.

Hi OP
We left London for 5 years and came back as we rented our place out thankfully. I had rose tinted glasses when thinking of my hometown. It hasn't moved on with the time and once you get used to a London lifestyle it was hard for us to adapt. We moved back during primary years. Kids are in secondary now and they have so much choice and freedom, we are so glad we moved back. Our saving grace was that we rented in our hometown and didn't sell our London home otherwise we couldn't have moved back. We know 3 other families that did exactly the same. So I do understand why you want to leave. Pollution is reducing every year as most buses and Ubers are electric. I monitor levels daily I am a bit obsessed. We are also zone 2 east. Could a move out to zones 4/5 be the compromise. Looking back I was too focused on what I'd gain and not what I would lose by leaving London.

Now, I have so much freedom compared to my friends in the suburbs. Kids go to school with friends or alone, it's fine not what people think. And free! Everything is close by so again, daily clubs they take themselves, socialising with friends also local and easy. Sorry for the rambling message but good luck with whatever you choose.

If you’ve got the budget for London flat and a family home why not look at a more commutable city so he has some work life balance? It doesn’t sound like your home town would really be best for you all. Maybe you just need to explore why you feel attached to it now even though your lives have moved on?

Agree with many other posters really. Try to look at the bigger picture as the kids get older. Teens like to be busy, attend clubs, do sports/ whatever. It’s good for their independence if they can get around by themselves. Does your home town, have good public transport links? Do the buses and trains run into the evening? Or would you be ferrying kids around all week? Do you enjoy gardening? Kids get bored of gardens once they hit a certain age ( well mine did!). How would you feel about being a single parent for half the week?

Lots to consider.