AIBU to move our family from London to my home town?

[CoatsforGoats]

AIBU to move our family out of London to live in the town I grew up in? 3 children under 5 at the moment, so possibly imagining an easier life where getting the buggy around isn't as much of a daily challenge. We have been thinking about it as a family for a couple of years and feel completely stuck.

Points to note

• DH job is firmly London so he would be away part of the week (thinking Mon - Wed or Thursday as a pattern)
• We have a lovely little house in London BUT I am aware of the pollution here, and even walking to the park from our house involves a lot of passing traffic. Middle DC coughs at the fumes and it breaks my heart.
• The town I am from is nice and interesting (altho I haven't lived there in years) plenty going on in terms of culture and sport, good access to mountains and excellent walking/forest nearby.
• We would be able to buy a bigger house and have a much bigger garden if we left.
• We don't really have family here or in the town. Some family are overseas and location doesn't make a huge difference either way.

I guess part of it is that neither of us grew up in London, so that feels like an unknown quantity for us, and we are a bit worried about how a London upbringing might be for older primary aged children and into teen years.

Why would you think you are being unreasonable?

100% my kids rarely step into the garden now unless it’s to get under a hose in the summer.

Different parts of London have different pollution levels. I grew up in London, many of us do and we turn out fine 😆

Head home sounds like the right thing for you and your family

many places have plenty for kids and teens to do and the clean air isn’t to be laughed at

but be careful not to romanticise things - people move on and places change

I moved from z2 to z4, yes it’s not as exciting, hip & I have less buzz on my doorstep however I don’t have that life anymore. Juggling dc & work means I can’t just pop into that new bar on a whim. But my dc can walk to school & all their extracurriculars which is great now they are getting older.

Neither myself nor my husband are from London. We met at University here. When we had kids, we wondered whether we should leave like so many of our peers were doing. We then stuck it out. We have had no regrets.

In the teen-years they were independent and we had to do barely any ferrying around other than picking them from late nights out. We are a family that definitely make the most of London, whether that’s museums, galleries, theatre or musicals. We absolutely love it here. The kids went to University elsewhere but came back to London and they have been able to stay at home when they started their graduate jobs.

I am biased because despite not being from here I think London is the best city on earth and a fabulous place for children.

But we are all different and if your heart is telling you you need to leave, you must go.

I echo pp about living separately for part of the week, that’s a big strain on a marriage.

I think you need to consider if your DH may be obliged to be in the London office five days a week, should a dinosaur boss be appointed. And the nature of his journey to and from your home town.

Does the cost of Dh commuting and having to stay in London offset the cheaper housing? What about the separation long term, and the effect it would have on your relationship with him, his relationship with your children and the overall family dynamic?

I'd be inclined to just move a bit further out of London to a greener area. London suburbs and commuter villages can give you the best of both worlds. Look for somewhere that is door to door around 1 hour commute. You will find bigger gardens and houses, still accessible on rail or tube lines in zones 3-6.

We moved from zone 2 to 3 when we had kids. We can still commute to the West End in 25 minutes.

Thank you for all the responses, heaps to think about that I hadn't really considered despite thinking about this for years.

This point really chimes with both my own anxieties and the levels of pollution where we are specifically (I also monitor). I am aware it is going down in London overall which is great, but we are relatively near a very busy area which is why it is such a factor for us. It is also definitely not to be underestimated! It has quite a stark impact on under 5s.

That is a great idea to rent out in both locations. Did your children adapt back into London well/were keen to move back too? Our eldest has just started reception in London so the thought of pulling them out to my hometown feels hard but would be made even worse if they settled in the town and then we were to move back.

So much to think about! Also totally loved the question about gardening by other poster, very good point - and I actually do not like it! 😄 Think I just have an idea of what a childhood should be, big back yard, lots of trees, more lateral space.

I live in London commuter land. Tbh we don't often go in at the weekend but having the option is great. Having young children we tend to make more of the beautiful countryside around us. We are also very aware that as our children grow London will become more doable and we anticipate going more often.

It wouldn't be for me. Having my husband away half the week. Plus London is a fabulous place to grow up, provided you live in a decent bit.

Exactly. When mine were young, our garden was the place to be. Kids and more kids, played in the paddling pool, football, hide and seek. Fast toward 10 years, DP and I are left with a garden we pay someone else to maintain. No kids, no play, nothing. A garden isn’t the be all and end all, unless you like gardening ( OP doesn’t she said)

I grew up in London and at 15 my parents decided to sell up and move, partly for my dad’s job but also they could see how expensive London was becoming and also changing . I obviously resented at the time but it was the best thing they could have done for us ( I have a sister) . We own houses that even in my NW10 area would be in the 3m , obviously way out of our price range , we are on the edge of wonderful villages and countryside but also have access to large towns and cites . My sister was able to have her own pony , a dream she’d never have fulfilled in London. Was it perfect , of course not , nothing is but my parents made huge sacrifices for us. I lost my dad 2 months ago , he’d often say we did it for you girls and the family , and all our adult children have their own homes and good lives, potentially not possible property wise in London. Your children are young and will adapt easily.

Have you considered somewhere an hour on the train away - I used to live in South Northamptonshire and I could get to Euston in 50-60 mins? Bedfordshire villages are nice, hertfordshire etc…. just thinking about having a realistic commute so your DH can be at home more.

Could you not have bought where you live now if you grew up in London? I’m confused. Most people leave the family town at some point

London’s pollution is now classified as low- moderate and not much higher than most other cities. If you live in a high traffic area there are plenty of green low pollution spaces in South East London!

I’m struggling to see either option as a positive. I’m so not a London person though and love the quieter pace of life. There is zero way I’d even entertain my dh being away 3/4 days a week with 1 child let alone 3! We are 40 mins from King’s Cross on the train and 25mins to Cambridge by car and we’re always astounded that people pay an astronomical amount for a tiny house to live in London when there are some beautiful places that are an easy commute to London. Seems a no brainer to me to look at somewhere commutable but further out then you get your husband and a nicer location for your family.

We moved to a small town from London and to be completely honest it’s been hard to get used to and I do fantasise about moving back!

I wouldnt expect my partner to be away half the week. If your worried about pollution look into it, do you have enough money to move to somewhere leafy on the main line to london kenley, caterham, staines etc.

I wouldn't want to live half the week apart from DH, it can be very hard on a relationship and on kids.
London is really great for teens.
Personally I'd just move out a zone or 2, or into the commuter belt.
What is it about your home town that appeals?

But you can have all these things outside of London you know.

I live in a town in Essex. We have a decent high street with waitrose and lots of other shops and it's only a few miles ( buses available) to 3 larger towns.

2 secondary schools and at least 5 primary schools in the town

Football, cricket, rugby and a number of other sports clubs. 3 golf courses

A small theatre, museum, woodland and meadows.

Kids clubs, army and air cadets.

So don't really see what I'm missing compared to London

For me it's the quantity and range of stuff.
A small theatre and museum – great. But I like to know I can go to the British Museum, or John Soane's, or the National Theatre, or the Kiln, or the Young Vic, or etc etc.

Honestly the main thing to me is denying them their father part of the week. DH worked away for a short period while DD1 was a baby and we both were adamant we’d do anything to have him back a commutable distance. At the primary stage you will have children wanting to do different activities on weeknights, he won’t be able to help with homework, he literally won’t be there. There’s no size house that makes up for not having two present parents.