I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

He's her boyfriend, not her husband.

Agreed. Exemplified by the comment 'I do have 24/7 access, I have a key' 🙄. Hardly appropriate.

He’s a bit stuck, isn’t he. He sounds like he doesn’t know what to do. She sounds immature and flighty. My niece is a bit like this and hasn’t seen her dad for several years because she felt like he was favouring his girlfriend over her. This guy sounds like he is trying to keep the little contact he has. I think he needs to keep chipping away- suggesting she comes to something joint with you there.
As someone else said, it’s hard to say without knowing what the fallout was over and what the messaging was like (on both sides). It’s not going to change easily, might not change at all and will be a long ride, so it’s understandable if you want to walk away.

Yes I wondered what I'd missed. I am also the "second wife" and I assume (and encourage) my DP to put his adult children ahead of me, I will do the same when mine are adults.

Also DP has a key to my house, has done for YEARS, there are times he's stayed there for a night when I've been away, but never without us discussing it first. He doesn't just wander in and out whenever he feels like it.

To be fair, she's nearly 30 (so probably 29) and a lot of people keep their room for a few years after they move out.

We don't know when that was.

HI, thanks and don't worry at all about the comments that are clearly there to flex some weird argumentative internet power muscle. It literally doesn't matter - you always see comments like that and they don't matter either way.

I'm able to discern the well meaning from the trolls, regardless of whether they agree with me or not - I'm interested in thoughtful responses only.

I don't get on with my own father, the person my mother is still married to and has built a life with over 40 years. Yes it was stressful at first but now everyone respects where the relationship is (or rather isn't) and no one tries to force anything. If my mother demanded my father be invited to my house every time she was, then their visits would stop. If he insisted on being present any other time I wanted to see my my mum then again, I'd probably just stop seeing her too. And these are my own blood relations.

Family dynamics are difficult, and moreso with a blended family. Can you not just respect that she doesn't want you in her life? Just live around that? She's 30, surely she's got her own friends, a partner perhaps, she won't be round at her dad's house all the time? Considering you don't live there I don't really see how it's a hardship for you to spend one weekend at your own house when she is visiting.

Lots of people keep their adult children's bedrooms for them when they come to stay, especially if the child has moved a fair distance away.

I had similar at one stage in my life, OP. My then partner's grown up daughter decided that he wasn't allowed to ever date anyone else in his life after his divorce. She didn't even know me to hate me. She had her own family but still didn't want him to ever have any relationships again.

I don't care how people respond on here, but there was no way I was going to put up with a jealous grown up daughter. Apparently it's not uncommon that selfish adult children want to keep a certain picture of their parents in their minds and the parent isn't allowed to have a life beyond that.

Obviously my partner continued to have a relationship with her, but it was with the understanding that she didn't own him and he was free to develop a new relationship as he saw fit. She refused to meet me (I must admit I didn't care about that) but she developed an understanding that she wasn't in charge.

Of course it's not ideal and of course I would always be open to a changed, positive atmosphere but he had choices to make regarding her behaviour and he made them.

I think there are various elements here and I can’t vote either way because of it.

I think you not being at his house when she’s there is common sense- she doesn’t like you, doesn’t want to be around you and will walk out if you arrived at his house. He wants a relationship with his dd so in this case you have to suck it up. However, him inviting her to yours for Christmas (presumably without consulting you) is madness and unfair. It needs to work both ways.

For whatever reason, she doesn’t like you, and it doesn’t sound like this will change. Your dp is caught in the middle- he loves you both and so doesn’t want to upset anybody so he’s not acting at all and putting his head in the sand. Her not liking you is fine- not everybody will like us. However, normal people who don’t like someone are still usually civil and polite to that person, they just don’t go beyond that. Her being actively rude towards you and sending nasty messages goes beyond not liking someone. She sounds like a big baby. And your dp not automatically pulling her up on her behaviour towards you is unacceptable. If my children are ever rude or were ever rude to anyone, friend, family, acquaintance or stranger, they would be pulled up on it immediately regardless of their age. I can see how upsetting it is to be verbally attacked by his dd and he turns a blind eye to it until you forced his hand. He sounds weak.

I think OP, you need to think about whether you can tolerate the current status quo with not being allowed into his home when she’s there and knowing he won’t ever really back you…or you move on knowing it’s unlikely to ever change. Have you spoken to him and laid it out to him how you’ve explained it on here today? What did he say?

Never place yourself between a parent and their child, of any age.

I'm starting to think this is a bit of a Sunday morning sport for you...

What does she present as her reason for not liking you? I mean what did she say to you in that rude message? There must be some clue as to what her perspective is, no matter how illogical or unfair it appears.

I feel sorry for him he's obviously stuck in the middle and doesn't know what to do for the best, it's not his fault his daughter dislikes you, he sounds like he's trying to do the best he can where he can see you and see his daughter separately to avoid any dramas and not risk losing his daughter, maybe you should be the bigger person and respect that and see him when she's not there, at the end of the day when it comes to your children know matter how old they are they will always come first and he will always choose his daughter's feelings over yours as harsh as that is for you.

I think you should try to meet up with her just the two of you and calmly chat through what the problem is and how it can be fixed.

I have a key to my neighbour’s, my father’s and a couple of friends. They have mine, as does my dog sitter. That doesn’t mean any of us have 24/7 access. What an odd take.

It doesn’t matter if your DP’s set up is reasonable or not, if you don’t like it and he won’t change it, it’s not going to be satisfactory.

He sounds like he’s putting his DD first when she’s there. Understandable that he does that, understandable that you don’t like it. But unless the relationship with her changes, the situation isn’t going to. And may become more difficult if she has kids who then come to visit grandad. So either accept the life you have with him or move on. Relationships are more complex when we get older and more people are involved. Maybe you’d prefer someone with no kids, or no relationship with their kids.

You haven't described her as a person, merely her attitude to you, similarly the other sibling, nothing about her, just that she loves you.
You've called the older one rude, spiteful and a coward.
Perhaps the starting point is you don't like her and she's picked up on that.

Also, she sent you a vile message and blocked you. Why? People don't just do that out of the blue. What was her message replying to? I'm guessing it wasn't "hi have a lovely day".

Your description of the situation is based entirely on what you'd like and what you need and how she's hurt you. There's literally nothing about her. Nicely, you seem needy of her approval but completely disinterested in her as a person.

Perhaps that's your answer?

I think adult children should be polite to their parents new partner/s. (Probably even if the new partner has played a significant role in the ending of a marriage.)

I think a decent parent would always want to challenge incivility and to suggest to their daughter/son that a degree of acceptance that there's a new partner is really the best way forward.

On the whole though I'd say that a happy mature person in their thirties should not be showing that level of distress about who their Dad is with.

Nobody on here is trolling you OP.
I would absolutely love to hear the daughter's side of this.

You don’t seem to be responding to any of these ‘thoughtful responses’. Simply chastising the posters who don’t agree with you.
Why does your boyfriend contribute to your household financially if you don’t have children together?
Is that what her text was about?

I have a similar situation but dp’s kids are younger although all young adults. Two of them are lovely and fine with me, the oldest, well we don’t get on. There is no reason, she has just always been “off” with me. She was a teenager when we first met but she hasn’t warmed to me as she has grown up. Her parents divorced long before we got together but I am her dad’s first long term partner since, I don’t know if it’s because of that.

im not wholly comfortable with the situation but tbh her behaviour enrages me and I am quite happy to stay away when she visits. I don’t really have any advice, but solidarity. I too have wondered what the future holds in this relationship and sometimes doubt my position in his life. But I do still love him and am happy to ignore the child trying to separate us!

Thank you. That's a really helpful and thoughtful response. An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle. My partner is never 'not allowed' at my house. There are times he's not there, but that's because there's stuff going on, not because someone has tried to veto his presence. The asymmetry really hurts me.

Problem is DP is almost pathologically conflict avoidant, so it's hard for me to judge anything by his reactions and I've no one else I could have as any sort of reasonable guide or 'yard stick'.

What does the younger daughter (the one you get on with) think about all of this?

My dad chose his partner over me and I didn't see him for 7 years!
He has missed out on so much
I didn't have a problem with her she had a problem with me so sometimes I would react to her problems and that ended up me looking like the bad person in this scenario!
Why doesn't she like U op.?
She's his daughter that's her dad do not ask him to compromise this is what happens when people have had past relationships u have to navigate them delicately and you need to get a thicker skin !
My dad's wife recently died and since April we have reconnected he's old and he knows what he did was wrong and he is now relying on me for help and I am his daughter so I help I don't hold grudges life is to short

Thank you for your thoughtful and considered response. Have we talked about this...yes, many many times. His reactions vary. Sometimes he's extremely defensive. Other times he swear on his life he'll protect our relationship, promises change, says he sees it from my perspective, says that he knows she's arrogant and horrible. But it doesn't 'stick' particularly well (his resolutions - some things do and some don't and also it's never quite consistent). Does that make sense?