I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

I get how you feel but ultimately he’s just putting his daughter first, and that’s exactly how it should be. Your children and their interests should always come before any other consideration, regardless of their age. That’s the deal we enter into when we have them.

Doesn't look like there is any future in this relationship Dd2 is always going to be top dog .

You've posted about this before, haven't you? This relationship just isn't working, which is I think what I said last time. I mean, you're deluding yourself to think this is a brilliant relationship with is also, separately 'turbulent' because of his daughters. His daughters, and his relationship with them isn't somehow separate to your relationship with him. His daughters are part of him, and hence part of the relationship. They're not going anywhere, and his way of being with them is unlikely to change significantly. You can't alter his behaviour, only your own.

What would happen is that he’d see his daughter outside of his home.

That doesn’t mean you have to use it! This is not your home. Unless she is there every week for days at a time then I do think that it’s not the end of the world for you to not go there. Your DP can come and see you or you can go out on dates. Why the insistence on having free access to another persons house?
Now, from your telling, she’s not handling this relationship well and is being rude and immature. You can’t make her like you. I would suggest you be the bigger person. Ignore/block all rude messages. Be polite if you ever do meet. Do your best not to force her to spend time with you. Ask your DP not to tell you anything she’s said about you.
This does all depend on how important this relationship is to you. I wouldn’t be allowing another adults tantrums to spoil a good thing with a man I loved.

Tbh at 30 she needs to grow up a little. If there’s no reason for her to treat you this way, sounds childish in my opinion. I’d understand if she was a teen or you were a home wrecker.

I totally can see why you feel the way you do, but if one of my adult kids felt the same I would put them first. I couldn’t imagine a world where I would dismiss their feelings in favour of someone who wasn’t their parent. It’s hard to say if she is being deliberately difficult at 30 though or if your presence genuinly upsets her.

Why is he contributing to your house financially if you live separately?
Why don’t you just stay clear of the house when she is round and stay in your own home? You know you won’t be welcome so why would you want to go?

I don’t think you’ll get very balanced answers here op. MN has a real issue with blended/step families and usually promote the ‘kids come first’ attitude even when the ‘kids’ in question are adults themselves.

You haven’t elaborated on why she has such a problem with you? Is it a personality clash or does she just not want her dad to be with anyone?

It would be a shame to end what it essentially a very good relationship just because of the actions of a grown woman who can’t be civil. I would really lay it on the line for your dh because being disrespectful and rude to you and your family isn’t ok and he should absolutely be addressing needlessly abusive behaviour. Just because she’s his daughter it doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to act like a twat for no reason. I think I’d try having one last, frank discussion and be clear about how close you are to the end because of this.

I do totally get why this would erode your love for him though, his failure to reprimand her shows that he is at best passive and at worst not bothered about her treatment towards you.

If he wants to prioritise his dd that’s his business but I foresee a very lonely future for him if that’s the case.

Why would you want to visit his house when she is there when you know she dislikes you and it will put your DP in an unpleasant situation?

It sounds like you are trying to mark his home as 'your territory' and emphasise to her that you can come and go as you please.

Your DP sounds like an absolute star. Don't put him in an awkward situation just to prove you can.

Incidentally, my adult DC, my brother, my BFF and my cleaner all have keys to my house. It doesn't make it their house and it doesn't mean they can come and go whenever they please.

You are getting some weird replies! You have even said in your op you understand his dd comes first, but that he cannot even show you he understands why you are hurt - that’s the main thing that would bother me as well. Also what if you moved in together? How would that work? Is he meant to keep his life on hold forever because his daughter won’t accept you. If there is no reason for the daughter disliking you, would she just be the same to any new woman? It seems unfair on your partner that he’s not allowed to move on. However that is between him and his daughter and unfortunately he appears to have made his decision. You also can’t change the way you feel though, and it’s only going to eat you up more and more so unless he is willing to challenge the current dynamic then it looks like you will have to walk away.

Would you not be interested in comments from the daughter in the situation?

Have you had a chat with him about what would happen if you moved in together, would you be expected to leave your home so she can visit or is she the reason why you don’t live together.

Stop the battle. She is unreasonable, you are too, for the sake of peace and harmony just let it go. Respect his wishes. Dont make it a you vs her issue as I’m sure he’s feeling trapped by the situation too.
Take the upper hand, don’t visit when she is there,?don’t invite her to occasions, just cut her out of your vocabulary and everyone will be happier.

I feel sorry for him ! Both of you should be thinking of what makes him happy too. It’s really hard being in-between two people you love.
Asking her to yours at Christmas shows he wants to be fair to everyone.
Has he not said what the issue is ? Have you made a big effort to be kind to her ? I do see that she is an adult, and should be making an effort with you as well, and thinking of her Dad and the fact he loves you.
This sort of situation can get better over a long period of time, in your place I wouldn’t want to intrude on his time with his dd1, leave them to have time together. I do think he should be asking her to respect the fact he loves you and is with you, and to treat you decently, but if he thinks she will then cut him off I understand why he hasn’t.
She is being very childish for a 30 year old, maybe she feels very upset still about her parents’ divorcing .

We don't know why this woman has taken agin the OP.
But for the sake of argument, let's assume it's an irrational dislike. If that were the case I'm not entirely sure I would put the whim of a grown woman ahead of my perfectly reasonable desire for an adult relationship.
This notion that the child - no matter their age and circumstances - should always take precedence seems a ridiculous blanket response to the complexities of life and relationships. It's just possible that the daughter is selfish and unreasonable and she has no reason to change under the present arrangements.
That said, if the OP's partner is not prepared to even try resolve the matter, only she can decide if she can live with that.

She's only 30 so this is something that will potentially last for decades. As it's hurting you so much, OP, it might be better to call time on the relationship. This just won't improve. You haven't mentioned her status. If she has children soon, that will exacerbate the situation surely?

I can’t believe he invited her to your home for Christmas. Given the mutual bad feeling that’s insane.

You say she doesn’t like you and you don’t know why but what’s the content of the horrible messages she sent you? You must know what her issue is with you even if you don’t want to share it here.

If you’ve got to the point where you’re no longer sure you love him because of this then I think it’s time to split up. Everyone’s bedded in to their place and no one’s going to have a change of heart so unless you’re willing to live like this for the rest of your life, with potential future pinch points like weddings and grandkids adding to the stress, I think you’re best off out of it.

What if he was having a lads’ night drinking and watching the boxing? What if he’s hosting a book club that OP isn’t in? What if he says he’s sick and wants to be left alone to recuperate on the sofa?

Regardless of the key, it’s weird of OP to assume she’s welcome at all times. It’s not her house.

This
I understand it is a difficult relationship dynamic
Best be out of it to keep a calm life for yourself.
Perhaps thr 30yr old can not accept Dad has moved on or needs to get over it.

Why would you do that
I think as adults you accept the situation for what it is if you can’t move on

If they marry then, assuming that the DD is still of the same mind, she would have to get together with her dad out of the home.

Not ideal - but a lot of things in life aren't.

It is important that the OP does not resent her partner for wanting to spend time with his DD. It is good that he does. He would be a lesser man if he did not. Her attitude is very unfortunate but it is what it is and they need to work round this.

So? I have a key for my in-laws house but that doesn’t mean I can just let myself in as and when I feel like it.

I hope all those posting are second wives/partners in a relationship with a man who has adult kids.

’Cos if not, this charming OP ain’t interested in your views.

From the post above, m. Why? Who knows. One loves me, one hates me - there isn't always a reason for the way people feel about us, sometimes it's simply about them.

Fine, but that usually means someone has a bit of a dislike... I don't really like one of the mum's in my kid's friendship circle, she's a bit of a gossip. Another school mum is quite pretentious. That type of thing. Maybe both are my issues, maybe we're different types of people. Critically; nobody dislikes anyone enough that they would walk out if the other person was there... that's a level of dislike, or hatred, that doesn't come from nothing.

Clearly there is a reason that she feels as she does about you.

What did the rude and disrespectful message actually say?