I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

but I do - this is the thing - I have a key

I have a key to my daughter's house and you can't get a much closer relationship than that. I wouldn't use it to enter her house without her express request or permission.

WChat are you long term plans with your partner. Don’t ever talk about moving in together? What does the thinking that?

havebyou suggested he and has daughter so some counselling?

When I was a young adult, I tried to rearrange a visit to my dad and his wife (not my step mum, they got together when I was 17) by arriving one day later, to give me a chance to rest after coming down with a D&V bug a few days before. My dad went apoplectic at me as it didn’t fit with their plans (I’m still not sure how, it was never explained) and I was ‘not making an effort to integrate with family life’. Other family members from both sides chimed in too. I didn’t go, and went NC for the best part of a year. We get on now, but I will never fully trust them again. It showed me how quickly I would be discarded if I didn’t toe the family line.

I think that if you persist with your attitude of having the right to be in your partner’s house whenever you want, and on the occasions that his daughter is there (just to make a point, I suspect), you will either cause friction in your relationship or damage your partner’s one with her.

If the latter happens, and the daughter cuts him off or their relationship becomes extremely strained, he will likely blame you and feel such resentment towards you, that your relationship won’t recover. Accept that she doesn’t want a friendship with you, immature and unreasonable as that may be, and stop trying to insert yourself where you aren’t wanted.

You don’t even live together, suggesting he and his daughter should meet in a restaurant rather than his home, just because you have a key and may want to ‘pop in’ is frankly ridiculous.

It's irrelevant, though, whether the OP is some kind of horrible villain and the DD is a put-upon saint. The situation is as it is, and the OP can only change her own behaviour, and not anyone else's. She can't make the daughter tolerate her, or force her partner to act differently as a parent.

I'm not the demographic Op wants to answer but

The 30 year old should be much more civilised and follow the polite social conventions partly out of respect for her Father's choice of partner.

This ^^ - be an adult and polite.

Many people do not like parents new partners but manage basic politness. He could easily sit his grown child down and explain who he dates in none of her bussiness and he expects a basic level of politeness if you happen to meet.

However it's his house. If you lived together then making you not be there when daughter is would clearly be very wrong and I'd expect a netural locations outside home for meetups between them. However you do not - it's his house and key or not you need his permission to be there - so he's not wrong to ask you not to be in his house at certian times.

However if you do not like how he behaves in this relatonship - around access or around not standing up to his eldest daughter - then leave the relationship. You can talk to him but if his actions have not changed - then leave.

Thank you. It's hard to understand, yes. She does have a partner (although it's always rocky between them) but doesn't have any friends.

She lives in another town and has a career. It's hard for me to say for sure as I know her so little - I've only seen her a handful of times - but I think she was always just very used to getting her own way. When we were in the earlier stages of the relationship, she would turn up with virtually no notice and expect DP to cancel whatever plan he had with me, to see her. He was initially doing this, but after a few situations I said I wasn't okay with that because my time is also valuable, so if he's made a plan with me I expect him to stick to it. A little bit of notice is not unreasonable to ask for.

That, I think, started her resentment. It's not one big situation where there was a fallout, just accumulation of small things where she didn't get her way.

I guess that's the bottom line - it's her way or the highway, and she has punished him massively through withdrawal whenever he put our relationship first in any way. So he's grown to be really scared of it, and has told me openly he's scared of losing her completely. I understand that fear, as a parent, the problem is that now she has the dad 'over the barrell'....

I guess before me he was always completely, and I mean 1000% available for them, as he had nothing else going on in his life (other than work). His daughters were his social companions, confidants, and he more or less lived in the service of them. Personally, I kind of blame him for having a somewhat enmeshed relationship in the first place, and of course it's now very difficult to change, but I understand that he was lonely and needed something to live for, so of course you'd make your DC your entire universe. Problem is, she's developed some kind of belief that she literally is the centre of the universe. She's not ever taking anyone else into account - not him, not her sister, not anyone. No wonder she's got no friends, when you think about it.

The younger daughter, for again reasons of her own, really likes me and I see her quite a bit. I sometimes go out just with her and my DD who, although a bit younger, gets on great with her. We also all hang out together at times, and the younger DD is coming to mine at Xmas.

Just to make it clear - we've not ever tried to exclude the older one, in fact I tried to reach out more than once to smooth things over, but she ignored me. It's come to the point where I don't want to see her either, but I also don't want her dad to pretend I don't exist when she's there.

The more i read your replies the more i think you’re just being petty, like why do you need to be there when she is? you’ve seen her 4 times in four years so how is this a big problem, she’s 30 years old her dad can’t make her like you.

No comments just questions:

In an ideal world, how would you like him to react?

If it cost him his relationship with his daughter - whether she was overreacting or not - how would that be for you?

What would you do if things were the other way round and you were realistically facing losing contact with one of your children?

Hi OP, a few questions...

Has she been like this with previous girlfriends or partners your DP has had? Just wondering if it's a case of not wanting her dad to move on or have a romantic life of his own, or if it's specific to you?
Has her mum had/got a new partner, and is the DD accepting of them?
What was the cause of the divorce? If your DP initiated it, maybe she's punishing him in some way.

I wouldn't be happy in your situation that's she's calling the shots. She's 30, not a kid, and she needs to accept that your DP is entitled to have an emotional and romantic connection with someone other than her mother.

SD is jealous of you. You are taking away her father's love and attention that she wants. You are an rival and an intruder. Can't you see that?

@SecretsAndLies77 I think your final paragraph sums up the issue - your partner is not wiling to upset his daughter, to put you first.

You said you've only met 6-7 times in four years... where has all the vitriol come from? Was there an incident or moment where she just arbitrarily decided that she wasn't going to be in the same room as you? If there wasn't, then your partner needs to sit her down and tell her that he expects her to respect his choices and to be courteous to you - and that he won't be telling you to leave the house on her say so.

Unless there is some massive backstory as to why she seemingly hates you, then you simply have a partner problem and he needs to man up.

That is what I think.

YABU you’re still living separately, still his house and he’s entitled to his boundaries, especially if he wants to maintain a good relationship with his daughter. Why would you want to be there with someone that has taken a dislike to you? He shouldn’t invite her to yours though. This does need to be resolved if you want to cohabitate in the future, as no I don’t think you should have to welcome someone that dislikes you and displays her contempt towards you.

Is this the first serious relationship after her mother? If not, has she behaved similarly with other women?

*I’m in my 30s, and I’m cringing thinking about still having a bedroom at my dad’s house, or thinking I had a say in who he has in his own home"
This makes no sense at all. His daughter sometimes wants to come and see her dad? Are you saying that she should stay and pay for a hotel for the privilege because his dad's girlfriend, who has her own place is insisting that that what she should do if the daughter wants to spend the occasional few days with her dad without OP being in the way considering they don't like each other? That's absolutely ridiculous!

Personally, I'm starting to understand why she doesn't like OP. If she thinks it's totally normal that they only way she gets to see her dad is by going out to a restaurant, I dare to think what else she believes is normal that negatively impact the relationship between the dad and daughter.

I was living with my then partner, he was divorced, DC were from that marriage, hecre-married and divorced again, his children were from his first marriage, sons I got on great with, they'd visit with their friends, but the daughter hated me, I'd done nothing to her, but she really hated me. If she came to our house she would ignore me totally. I tried talking to her but no way would she have anything to do with me. Her father just said ignore it, but it was very uncomfortable feeling like that. Eventually we split up, not over that, but I've never seen her since, so still don't know why she hated me so much. Maybe its a girl thing I don't know .

Why do people treat relationships as a competition yes he puts his kids first how can you not get that

This

The adult daughter is immature and vindictive and should be able to tolerate you and treat you politely ideally, but no one can change someone else, not even their father.

I have some sympathy for your partner's position. His attempts to mollify his daughter are very understandable as he fears losing her. I can see your point of view but I wonder if you can bring yourself to just accept the way it is, rather than giving up an otherwise good relationship. Many people have awkward or annoying family members - as she doesnt live with him, is this really an insurmountable problem?

I think OP suggesting they have counselling would go down like a lead balloon. Why would the dd even agree to that?

It sounds like her and you have a lot in common and actually very similar. It's the man in between I feel sorry for, but ultimately, his daughter will always be there and love him. You've already indicated that you're not sure you still love him so he is much better off dedicating his attention and live to her than you.

For whatever reason she doesn’t like you and she doesn’t have to. This is his daughter and he’s not going to cut her out of his life. You just need to respect the fact that she should be allowed to visit her father without you being there.

Its fine for him to keep the two relationships separate.

It's not your home, so you don't get unrestricted access to it. The homeowner is allowed to decide who is welcome in it and when.

Many (most?) families wouldn’t have the luxury of two homes: if you and DP lived in one house, how would she respond? aig you were making the dinner when she called round to dp’s, what would she do?

Im curious how family events (eg DP or the younger DD’s birthdays) go? Can you try more opportunities to all meet outside, to have some less charged interactions? Is she ever invited to join the girls for coffee or whatever? Does she feel slighted/never invited?

Oh wow a key. My MIL has a key. Doesn’t mean she’s got 24/7 access. There are stipulations. Yours are to not attend when eldest DD is present. Not hard.