I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

I can tell by your responses to others here that you are the problem

I agree with @Mischancewht would you want to be there??!

She sounds unreasonably prejudiced against the idea of you. Perhaps she is unbalanced or neurotic in some way.

He is choosing not to challenge this because he doesn't want her to cut him off. It is a very difficult situation for him, and perhaps there is no right answer about how to deal with it.

I think it might be helpful if he were able to articulate this, but it sounds like he is one of the many people who deal with problems by pretending they don't exist.

The part of your post that jumped out at me is this: 'I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity).'

He is dealing with her bad behaviour by pretending it doesn't exist. This is a common coping mechanism, and sometimes the only one that people have in their arsenal. (In this case it might actually be the best way to cope as she is intransigent and he has no options, so pretending it isn't happening is the only way to keep her in his life and not worry about her messed up attitude.)

He sounds like a good man, who actually does love and value you; I guess you are faced with trying to figure out if you can be with someone who deals with problems by avoidance. You can either think: 'he doesn't love me enough to challenge her' or 'he recognises that I am the reasonable person and she is the unreasonable one, so he depends on me to cope with her craziness, but lacks the emotional bandwidth to be open about it'.

Why ?

Imo
If he wanted to, he would

He doesnt
So I would end this now

I'm not in a similar situation, but for what it's worth, I think most posters have missed key parts of the OP and just see it as "she doesn't like you - accept it".

At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

I wouldn't be happy with my DP in this situation. I can understand why he's worried his daughter will cut him off and is trying to find a compromise. But if he wouldn't even empathise with me in private about the way I'd been treated, that wouldn't be good at all.

However, this is Mumsnet, so the step mum must have done something to deserve her step-child's dislike. If she wasn't the other woman, then she must be a gold-digger, or, or ... something.

You’re coming across terribly in your replies. Asking a question on a public forum but saying you only want replies from people who have lived your exact experience. It’s not going to happen. You also haven’t said why she doesn’t like you, or even given any hint. It feels very one sided and is making me think you are likely the problem.

A balanced adult would be able to say “she perhaps doesn’t like me due to X reason, but I’d love to work it out with her”. You’re acting totally innocent which I don’t believe is the case.

Its his home he can do what he wants and shes an adult not a child and if she doesnt like you thats life just accept it, and if you cant stay when shes there so what its his house and of course he will put her 1st and no you cant go to his house when you want its his house not yours , sounds like youre saying pick me pick me but his daughter will always come first

I couldn’t vote as there are too many unknowns.

• have you clearly laid out to him how you feel and what you’d expect in this situation? If so, what did he say?
• does he know you feel the situation currently feels unbalanced/unequal to you?
• do you have a wish in the future that the households come together to one location

Need more backstory about why the OP and her partner's daughter don't get on, and what this looks like in practice.

On the face of it, an unjustified dislike of dad's partner from an adult daughter is unreasonable (because of it being unjustified). But that very much depends whether it IS unjustified or not.

After 4 years and both of them spending time at each others houses it’s definitely her ‘home’ if not her house. Or do you think people just move in together without ever having experienced living their lives together? Once you have children - even adult children - moving in together isn’t as simple as it was first time around when you met a man, fell in love, got married, moved in to a jointly owned house etc

OP fwiw I was in a similar situation for 10 years - so much so that I was wondering if it’s actually him and you were going to say the daughters were 17 and 21!

It never got any better, the one who resented me being there never really came around and he never did anything to help me feel more at home - he’d tell me I should ‘take’ my place in the house and not let the DD shove me out, but when she’d cry about me sleeping in his bed etc (she called it ‘our bed’ meaning his and hers) he just thought it was adorable that she loved him so much.

It ate away at the love I had for him to the point I stopped going to his house altogether and gave up any notion of us living together as I didn’t want to feel that way in my own home. At mine I could almost pretend they didn’t exist as he was very much part of my family even though I wasn’t part of his.

Cut this one loose and find someone who won’t let a grown adult treat you like shit just because she’s related to him. My current DP is a world away from XP, gave me a key to his house and wants me there all the time, would never tolerate his DS being rude to anyone, least of all me.

Yes the DCs will always come first, but not everyone treats them like an untouchable Prince/princess and some actually expect decent behaviour from their kids to the person they love (presuming you’ve never done anything to warrant the cold shoulder from his DD).

Are you the daughter?!

I’d suggest the daughter might see OP as guilty of taking her mum’s place or usurping her dad’s affections, but that may be completely ridiculous too.
It might be that OPs only crime is existing in this man’s life.

Your boyfriend's 29 year old daughter doesn't like you and therefore would rather you didn't attend her family home when she's there.

So why on earth would you want to?

As you said, you have a key and you've spent plenty of time there, so it's not going to take too much effort to stay away when she's visiting her dad.

You sound as though you deliberately want to be there to mark your scent in her family home.

I'd be really interested to read the daughter's side of this!

How old are you, OP?

Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful

What did this message say? And what prompted it. If you want honest genuine opinions from people in similar circumstances, you at least need to be honest about your interactions with her.

No idea how you’ve ascertained that @2chocolateoranges is a first wife, but as someone who does meet your stringent criteria for who is allowed to reply to your thread, I completely agree with her.

Ok, I’ve never been divorced and only have children with my husband. I’m also a psychologist. A piece of advice I always reiterate is: you are like the company you keep. Requesting advice only from people who have had marriage breakdowns, potentially places you in an echo chamber for information that will never assist you in maintaining a forever relationship. For example, there was a study that found if someone has a close relationship with a divorced friend, they are much more likely to get divorced themselves. This probability increases further the more divorced friends they have.

So, you are like the company you keep because likeminded people stick together. They encourage certain approaches and views and behaviour. However, if you are looking to learn how people stay in relationships, it may be best to open yourself to those perspectives from non-divorced couples.

This could also be true but we don't have enough info from the OP to know either way.

Lol.

This reply make me wonder if you're the OP 😂

To be honest, this isn't your husbands fault. You seem to want him to blame him for his daughters reaction to you being around.

He has stuck up for you, but he also realises that he can't change his daughters mind over you. What's the point in keep trying? He can't force her, she's an adult. Will you not be happy until they've fallen out, as some grand gesture of loyalty towards you? That's not going to happen and it shouldn't.

I think you either split up, or you accept that his daughter, for whatever reason, doesn't want to be around you. This is blended families for you am afraid, it doesn't always work.

I think your partner is in a very difficult position. He can't force his daughter to like you so I suppose his way of managing it is just keeping you apart. I'm not sure why you'd want to visit his home while she's there when you know she doesn't like you and would leave if you were there?

I'm interested in the context of why she sent you a horrible message - this doesn't just come out of the blue, what happened beforehand? Why does she have your number if you have no contact with her?

I think you need to clarify exactly what it is you want your partner to do? He's obviously not going to confront his daughter and while he probably does feel sympathy for you being hurt, he's not going to indulge in slagging off his daughter to you to make you feel better.

If you're planning to live together in the future, this is going to be an ongoing problem. Have you spoken to him about this or are you both happy to keep separate households? How does he envisage managing his relationships with you and his daughter in the future?

I don’t fit your criteria of people allowed to comment ( not divorced and not dating someone with adult kids) but I have a very similar issue, except it’s my SIL Whois horrible to me. She’s also blocked me ( after doing something horrible to me first )
I was angry with my husband for a while because he also didn’t stand up for me, and say anything really to her. After years of it he finally did though, but a fairly lukewarm sort of rebuke..

the similarity here is that they both want to maintain that connection to their sister/ their daughter and that’s fair enough. I accept that at least he said something to her ( and meant what he said) and I also accept that my SiL is a horrible person and will never change.

You are allowed to not like your partners daughter, you are allowed to contact her as little as you want ( I don’t see why you need to invite her to your place at Christmas, given how she treats you, I certainly wouldn’t bother)

I don’t agree that you can force your husband to destroy his relationship with his daughter. It’s his bond and his choice to make. Shes only one tiny aspect of your life and if you learn to ignore her existence I’m guessing you will be much happier!

Why has she still got a room in his house when she is in her 30’s? Bizarre