I feel like I hate my stepson

[ExhaustedStepmum]

This may be long but i’m honestly really struggling now, this has been going on for years and I’ve had enough. Don’t say to leave DH as it’s not that easy.

I’ve been with DH for about 14 years, I have a DS aged 20 and a SD aged 28, and a SS aged 16.

I get on pretty well with SD although she moved a few hours away at 16 and was living with a family member to be able to attend a really good college in that area, she still lives there and we see her a couple of times a year but she doesn't come here much, she's said she's sick of SS and has referred to him as DH’s “golden boy” and has said he lets him get away with anything to which DH shuts the conversation down.

Their mum passed away when SS was a young baby and I think DH has over compensated and maybe spoilt him but I can tell he's also now getting fed up even though hes sort of to blame for the way he is. But SS says we don't like him

When growing up I don’t really remember him ever being particularly difficult although there were times we let him get away with silliness and answering back for example but he wasn’t an awful child , although he and ds have never been close and when he was younger would destroy his lego builds and they’d argue at any opportunity they got, usually with ss being the cause although DS very much got the “you’re older you should know better” from DH.

Things really changed when he was about 12 with constantly lying and stealing things (anything he got his hands on) being disrespectful at school and at home etc, DH somewhat blamed the school as it was in a bad area and at 13 he got him into a private school and he boarded monday-friday initially, he seemed happy there but at home his behaviour was getting worse and worse.

He began to shoplift when he had no reason to! He likely would’ve got whatever he wanted if he had asked and he wasn’t short on pocket money either (at the time but it did eventually stop), he stole my underwear to the point we had to have a lock on our bedroom door and after that I felt uncomfortable being around him tbh but I still don’t know if it was a “me” thing as in targeting me or if he just wanted underwear iykwim. After that DH paid for a private therapist but it was pointless because he lied the majority of the time and he can be believable which is the scary thing. He was watching some really explicit porn which we had thought we’d blocked on the wifi so i still have no idea how he got around it.

He ended up boarding FT and only coming home during holidays and while the holidays were hell, it was much better which sounds horrible to say. His behaviour at school wasn’t great though and he was permanently suspended at 15 for being caught with weed and there was alcohol in his room, he didn’t care but found it funny. It was a struggle but he started Y11 at a state school which was hard to find as no one wanted him and it was so late he couldn’t do his options. He ended up failing his GCSEs and he didn’t turn up to half of them

DH says it’s pointless even trying to get him into college as he wouldn’t go so said he could work with him except he was messing about with equipment and not listening which was unsafe so now he’s at home 24/7, he has the whole loft conversion to himself so he has a HUGE room and en suite but he still acts hard done by. He despises DH as DH was the one who found the porn and some of it was gay porn and during an argument about the porn in general DH said it was disgusting ans SS has twisted his words that gay = disgusting when DH was just extremely shocked and he probably was disgusted by what he saw because of how explicit it was. He shuts down any conversation regarding sexuality when we brought it up incase that was a reason for his behaviour (as in being worried about it i don’t know) he said he’s not gay and it was just something to watch and gets defensive and accuses us of calling him the f slur (which he actually uses but no one has!)

He spends a lot of time in his room, he smokes cigarettes and vapes but has no money and we’ve hidden our cards etc from him, sometimes he can just appear during a conversation with DH and accuses us of talking about him or saying something totally random that takes us back a bit like for example a couple weeks or months ago we were having a normal conversation about dinner and he came downstairs and out of nowhere asked DH if he wished he (SS) had died instead of him mum and because DH didn’t answer straightaway (because he was shocked, it was the first thing he’d said to him all day) he took it as a yes. But the thing is he never talks about his mum

DS lives here but he spends a lot of time with his gf and i worry he will not come over either when he moves out just like SD doesn’t.

His gf already feels uncomfortable around SS and has said she thought he had taken pictures of her but when DH looked through his camera roll he hadn’t, but today they came over for sunday lunch and SS was downstairs trying to wind DS up but he wasn’t getting the attention and then his gf asked him to stop staring and he made out he wasn’t and that she had a problem with him but then about 15 minutes later he was properly staring blankly at her and DS witnessed it and told him to stop it he did but he then was doing it AGAIN (i was cooking so wasn’t watching him) DS told him to stop being a creep but he still denied it but got up and threw a fork at DS then stormed off to his room. DH was outside and came in to SS storming off but he still went to his room to take him his food when it was done which i don’t agree with

Im just so exhausted with it all and apart from this myself and DH are happy

Be honest with yourself about the mistakes you have made

I think this is key, and it's why some posters feel people are being harsh on OP. Mostly to fix things, you need to accept - or even more than that that, comprehend - that you have made mistakes.

Blaming the boy won't go anywhere constructive. It might make everyone else's lives and conscience easier but it won't help him heal.

He left school this summer and should be in college now and while he did attend open days to look around the college he wasn’t enthusiastic at all and DH seemed to think he wouldn’t go (his attendance at the new school was pretty poor tbh) so he said he could work with him until he grew up a bit but that’s not happening either. DH is still waking him up early but that’s a bit useless when he’s going to work and SS is likely going back to sleep. He would’ve had to do a level 1 course but honestly i think DH could be right that he wouldn’t engage, maybe an apprenticeship would’ve been good but he needed good grades for that as they go quickly and i don’t even know if he’d do it either especially if he can’t be sensible working with DH

He’s not interested in getting a PT job, we no longer give him money, he has to ask us if he wants something because we don’t trust him with his own money

@2026problemsandDDcanbeone@Secretsquirrel2

you'll never understand how much your post has upset me.

babies may not may not remember their mum. Either way, can’t you imagine how bewildering it must be for them?

How dare you minimise the trauma experienced by babies when their mother dies.

the elder daughter will have different trauma. She’s done well to build a good life. I hope she continues to do so. Not having your mother alive can affect people in the oddest ways and at any point.

OP, I think some therapy or reading about Acute Childhood Experiences (ACE) might help you and might put you in a better position to be able to support your DS into making g good choices that do not harm others. I sympathise with the difficulties he is causing. No one deserves to feel uncomfortable and unhappy in their home because of the behaviours of another family member.

The behaviour is disturbing. Putting together the extreme porn, the underwear stealing and the leering at DS’s girlfriend I wonder if he has been abused at some point.

I think the first steps should be to make a list of concerning behaviour and depending on where you are, make a referral or raise a safety concern with any of CAHMS, his GP, or the council social services. You can inform the GP about him making things up to the former therapists.

You need to rein in your own emotions and stop catastrophising about your son leaving. Look up the relevant service in your area and take action.

Given the family background, family therapy may well come into it at some point but the first and most important thing is to get him some professional psychological intervention. He is still young and can be helped.

Not interested in getting a job? Where's his work ethic? Where's his pride? What's he going to do with his days? Just grift off others and claim benefits? He needs a rocket up his arse and he needs telling that a job isn't optional. Lazy entitled shitbag.

Bit much there

He just says that no one can force him to get a job. But tbh that’s the least of my worries, he’s 16 and it’s hard to find a PT job at 16 anyway

His trauma won’t be the same as what his sister went through as he was a baby and she was a child. She’ll have strong memories and would’ve gone through a lot and will miss her mum. I think the step son’s behaviour stems from boarding school. Maybe abuse, bullying etc.

Please stop trying to explain the trauma of childhood loss to people who have experienced it. Your insistence on dismissing our lived experience is insulting and frankly uncomprehensible. You have now been told multiple times by multiple people that concious memories are not necessary for trauma to be caused.

He lost his mother and then was carted off to boarding school, no wonder he is acting out, he will have attachment issues and probably feels abandoned and the only way he gets attention is by behaving this way.

Please stop.

Honestly reading this thread helps me to better understand how so many women fall for sociopaths

"Oh the poor poor baby he made the dog story up as a metaphor for loss!"

I don't know why you're posting this stuff after being told by so many people that you're wrong.

Care to share your qualifications? You are being ignorant and downright nasty. How bloody dare you keep going when more than one poster has told you how wrong you are AND how hurtful your posts are. How presumptuous to think you know better than decades of researchers publishing actual factual, evidence based studies on childhood bereavement and loss.

better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt.

Tell me you know nothing about trauma and loss....

A child who has had a loving and consistent presence in their life from babyhood, who has learned that they matter and are valuable, and that basically people can be trusted, will be much better off even after their key person dies than a baby who then has inconsistent or non attuned care. Of course both situations are dreadful and very sad, but one has had the opportunity to develop good attachment and the other (the baby) has not.

Think how adopted children adopted after being removed from abusive settings aged just 1 or 2 often show consequences of those disrupted attachments through their life. You don't have to remember something to be very deeply impacted by it.

OP
Take SS back to college. Ask him what he would like to do. He can enrol on a level 1 or 2 qualification that would give him meaning, purpose and potentially a good living, without needing qualifications. Plastering, bricklaying, electrician, plumbing - any of the trades. Or even an IT or hairdressing course.

There are too many variables. Babies taken from parents in the UK were often born addicted to heroin, for example.

What?

Babies born addicted to heroin are usually taken at birth and are not the children I mentioned who were removed from abusive situations as very young children.

In any case I was just using that as an example that shows that not having a loving and consistent parent in babyhood can have very lasting impact even if you don't remember it.

I assume OP's DH did his best, but he will also have been grieving, looking after his daughter, and then getting involved in a relationship with OP which was serious enough that they lived together from SS being 2, so it's not unlikely that he was unable to be as consistently attuned and responsive as his baby son needed.

He has no right to be disrespectful to you, stealing, he has been spoiled with the wrong support, would he consider therapy?

I'm a mother to two children who lost their dad young. And a stepmother to one who lost her mother young- this a particularly adverse experience as her mum was an addict.

Of course you're getting a bashing on here - you're a stepmother.

To try to give some constructive advice - we've had many ups and downs with ours. But ultimately, the bereavement is not the entire picture. It is really sad. It will always affect them. But they have their lives to lead too. And your stepson needs help finding his path - he's just languishing. That's where I would look first. To help him find a purpose now he's nearly an adult.

A child who has had a loving and consistent presence in their life from babyhood, who has learned that they matter and are valuable, and that basically people can be trusted, will be much better off even after their key person dies than a baby who then has inconsistent or non attuned care. Of course both situations are dreadful and very sad, but one has had the opportunity to develop good attachment and the other (the baby) has not.

Absolutely this. There's the Aristotle/St Ignatius expression "give me a child until he he is 7 and I will give you the man." I think that's overstated, but the deeper point is that a young child's character and sense of self, in fact their whole sense of security in the world, is forged in those critical years. And this boy missed out on that where his sister didn't.

What actually really upsets me on these threads is how may posters genuinely seem to have no idea how important the role that parents play really is in the life of a child.

It's a bit worrying.

God what a mess, you only see your step daighter twice a year and don’t think you’ve any responsibility for that, and haye your step son. Who is only 16 and had a horrific life??

If you really can't understand why a traumatised child of some age between 12-16 would find it easier to talk about a made up lost dog when starting out therapy you might want to consider that you are the sociopath here.

Why were you sniffing around a man with a baby whose wife had just died anyway? Surely you knew that he would have been vulnerable and would be willing to latch on to just about anyone to help him bring up his kids/provide emotional support/sex.