I feel like I hate my stepson

[ExhaustedStepmum]

This may be long but i’m honestly really struggling now, this has been going on for years and I’ve had enough. Don’t say to leave DH as it’s not that easy.

I’ve been with DH for about 14 years, I have a DS aged 20 and a SD aged 28, and a SS aged 16.

I get on pretty well with SD although she moved a few hours away at 16 and was living with a family member to be able to attend a really good college in that area, she still lives there and we see her a couple of times a year but she doesn't come here much, she's said she's sick of SS and has referred to him as DH’s “golden boy” and has said he lets him get away with anything to which DH shuts the conversation down.

Their mum passed away when SS was a young baby and I think DH has over compensated and maybe spoilt him but I can tell he's also now getting fed up even though hes sort of to blame for the way he is. But SS says we don't like him

When growing up I don’t really remember him ever being particularly difficult although there were times we let him get away with silliness and answering back for example but he wasn’t an awful child , although he and ds have never been close and when he was younger would destroy his lego builds and they’d argue at any opportunity they got, usually with ss being the cause although DS very much got the “you’re older you should know better” from DH.

Things really changed when he was about 12 with constantly lying and stealing things (anything he got his hands on) being disrespectful at school and at home etc, DH somewhat blamed the school as it was in a bad area and at 13 he got him into a private school and he boarded monday-friday initially, he seemed happy there but at home his behaviour was getting worse and worse.

He began to shoplift when he had no reason to! He likely would’ve got whatever he wanted if he had asked and he wasn’t short on pocket money either (at the time but it did eventually stop), he stole my underwear to the point we had to have a lock on our bedroom door and after that I felt uncomfortable being around him tbh but I still don’t know if it was a “me” thing as in targeting me or if he just wanted underwear iykwim. After that DH paid for a private therapist but it was pointless because he lied the majority of the time and he can be believable which is the scary thing. He was watching some really explicit porn which we had thought we’d blocked on the wifi so i still have no idea how he got around it.

He ended up boarding FT and only coming home during holidays and while the holidays were hell, it was much better which sounds horrible to say. His behaviour at school wasn’t great though and he was permanently suspended at 15 for being caught with weed and there was alcohol in his room, he didn’t care but found it funny. It was a struggle but he started Y11 at a state school which was hard to find as no one wanted him and it was so late he couldn’t do his options. He ended up failing his GCSEs and he didn’t turn up to half of them

DH says it’s pointless even trying to get him into college as he wouldn’t go so said he could work with him except he was messing about with equipment and not listening which was unsafe so now he’s at home 24/7, he has the whole loft conversion to himself so he has a HUGE room and en suite but he still acts hard done by. He despises DH as DH was the one who found the porn and some of it was gay porn and during an argument about the porn in general DH said it was disgusting ans SS has twisted his words that gay = disgusting when DH was just extremely shocked and he probably was disgusted by what he saw because of how explicit it was. He shuts down any conversation regarding sexuality when we brought it up incase that was a reason for his behaviour (as in being worried about it i don’t know) he said he’s not gay and it was just something to watch and gets defensive and accuses us of calling him the f slur (which he actually uses but no one has!)

He spends a lot of time in his room, he smokes cigarettes and vapes but has no money and we’ve hidden our cards etc from him, sometimes he can just appear during a conversation with DH and accuses us of talking about him or saying something totally random that takes us back a bit like for example a couple weeks or months ago we were having a normal conversation about dinner and he came downstairs and out of nowhere asked DH if he wished he (SS) had died instead of him mum and because DH didn’t answer straightaway (because he was shocked, it was the first thing he’d said to him all day) he took it as a yes. But the thing is he never talks about his mum

DS lives here but he spends a lot of time with his gf and i worry he will not come over either when he moves out just like SD doesn’t.

His gf already feels uncomfortable around SS and has said she thought he had taken pictures of her but when DH looked through his camera roll he hadn’t, but today they came over for sunday lunch and SS was downstairs trying to wind DS up but he wasn’t getting the attention and then his gf asked him to stop staring and he made out he wasn’t and that she had a problem with him but then about 15 minutes later he was properly staring blankly at her and DS witnessed it and told him to stop it he did but he then was doing it AGAIN (i was cooking so wasn’t watching him) DS told him to stop being a creep but he still denied it but got up and threw a fork at DS then stormed off to his room. DH was outside and came in to SS storming off but he still went to his room to take him his food when it was done which i don’t agree with

Im just so exhausted with it all and apart from this myself and DH are happy

This. Letting him get away with bad behaviour will not bode well for his future.

Your take on this is not unreasonable in principle. But this is a real world situation which you do not have to deal with.

Realistically speaking, he is is a deeply unpleasant child and if he consistently treats other family members badly they are going to dislike him and are not going to want to be around him.

His mum died, his dad set him up in a brand new family and expected it all to work, when it got difficult he sent him away, when it got even more difficult he sent him away for longer. Possibly dealing with questioning his sexuality too. He sounds like he’s really struggling emotionally and still only a child. Has he had proper counselling?

My DH lost his mum young too and ended up with a useless dad and succession of stepmums, and by his own admission was a bit of a problem teen. Luckily he had loving, supportive family around (his grandparents) and he managed to get back on track.
Your SS really needs someone in his corner right now.

Yes his behaviour dreadful, but he’s lost his mum at only 2,then swiftly gained a stepmother and siblings and been sent off to boarding school whilst your children stayed at home with you and his dad. Pretty awful , he must have felt utterly rejected.

The way this reads is that SS lost his mum, DH then failed to set boundaries because he felt sorry for DS, when that started biting him in the arse, instead of dealing with it and setting boundaries, he sent him away 5 days a week. When that failed to solve his problems, he sent him away 7 days a week.

Now DS is home, he’s never had any appropriate parental support and he’s struggling with his sexuality, parental alienation and… shock, his behaviour isn’t great!

Tour husband fucked this up quite universally and only he can help SS. Spoiler alert… it won’t be solved by sending him away again!

What did your DH do after he responded with silence to the question your SS asked? He should have gone to him alone, explained his silence was shock at the question and reassure him that he loves him etc. Your DH should be making an effort to spend time alone with his son to build their relationship, take up a hobby together etc. Ut sounds like he’s been emotionally neglected his whole life while his father focussed on himself and building a new life for himself after his mother died. You have not mentioned that you have a shred of compassion for him losing his mother at such a young age, his father moving on and then him being shipped off to boarding school while your own son wasn’t. I’m sorry but it’s clear the choices you and your DH have made are to blame for his behaviour

It sounds like he hasn't come to terms with the fact he is gay yet. And your DH rection (although in shock and not on purpose) made it worse. The boy will be a mess. None of it is your fault and it'll continue to be so hard until he becomes comfortable in his own skin and sexuality.

It's got to be your husbands behaviour that allows the boy to know his sexuality if ok. And you all love him.

What a disgusting, misogynistic post.

Obviously your DH didn't expect to lose his wife at such a young age and he did what he felt best for his dc at the time but his actions have backfired and his ds has paid the consequences. I have seen this with my own sister, she has 5 step children and several of them are fucked up because of what happened in their childhoods.

If your dh was able to afford private boarding school for all those years surely he can afford decent therapy now. Just because the first lot of therapy didn't help ds it's not to say there isn't someone out there who can help and your dh could attend as well because it sounds as though he buried his head int he sand regarding all of this. He really needs to step up and help his son before things really turn bad, and believe me, they can get much worse (sadly my sister's step children can testify that).

I have sympathy OP. The boy has made your life hell, he is a malignant force in the home and threatens to drive your own son away. He’s been given many opportunities and trashed them. He’s dishonest, uses violence to get his way and it seems impossible to have genuine communication with him. True, your husband could have handled it better. Maybe the last roll of the dice is to impress this upon DH and hope he’ll put the work in to repair the relationship somehow but it seems to me that you’ve done your bit. Otherwise the next step is to get him out of your home.

The thing is, you've already sacrificed two children for the sake of one. That's done and will take some repairing, if it's even possible.
Good on your DS's GF for sticking up for herself, that took some guts especially in a house where the boy in question is 'untouchable'.
He obviously has an issue with women. It will be linked to the death of his Mother at a young age. I can only suggest therapy etc but those things are often baked in by his age unfortunately.

I mean, if you refuse to leave your DH then you will have to suck all of this up. You have chosen this over your own childs wellbeing, hopefully your DH is worth it.
Or, you could leave, leave him to deal with this boys behaviour, leave him to deal with the consequences of his 'parenting' and fix your relationship with your own child and perhaps be a support to you SD too.

Nothing will change if nothing changes.

Tell his father to step up, right now.

Sounds like the typical high-achieving corporate type who uses money and work as an excuse not to deal with real life and difficult emotions.

How inconvenient that the son hasn't parented himself through bereavement.

Your DH is a selfish arsehole. How can you "be happy" with a selfish arsehole, unless you are one yourself?

Your DH must pay for family therapy including himself at every session if he wants to resolve this. That boy has questions that need answering.

I feel like I hate my stepson

13 he got him into a private school and he boarded

SD although she moved a few hours away at 16

hard to find as no one wanted him

asked DH if he wished he (SS) had died instead of him mum

Can you see why his behavior might be the result of him feeling rejected and unwanted. His sister also moved away at a young age when he was about 4.

Sadly I don't think you fully accepted your SDC and treated them equally to your DC. His trauma runs deep. Maybe look at how your and DHs parenting has shaped the boy he is now rather than focusing on his behavior.

Therapy doesn't replace the love and care parents can give.

It sounds incredibly difficult but I think your husband has failed both of his children here. He’s fucked up big time and now he’s paying the price.
Fair enough that you SD wanted to go to a certain college but she only visits a couple of times a year? Does your husband go and visit her?
And then your DH got with you just two years after his wife died, when he should have been giving all his attention to his children and when things started to get a bit tough, he shipped the poor lad off to boarding school. What an idiot!
Your step son is clearly very damaged and almost impossible to live with but blimey, can’t you see that your husband has caused all of this?
I wouldn’t want to live with the lad but I do really feel for him.
But yeah, you have a DH problem.

Im sorry Op but some things jump out at me as badly handled.

It's not good practice to shame teens for viewing porn - surely you know that?

It's not their fault the porn industry exists - and teen minds are OF COURSE going to be drawn in by the hyper addictive hyper sexual material.

Your son may have already felt deep shame at what he was viewing - it's an adults job to sit down and completely validate the fact that he found it alluring - not make him feel morally bad! for watching it, wahtever the content

I work in the field of online harm - your son is and was a victim in that he was exposed to inappropriate material - your husband shamed him and told him he was disgusting.

He has never had a mother - telling lies in therapy - fantasy behaviour is just a sign of him being deeply unhappy

I do agree some of his behviour sounds horrible to be around - but I think a lot of what has happened here is not his fault.

Ultimately - sending one child to boarding school means not parenting them, I@m afraid that's my view on boarding - fine if the kid is super well adjusted but there is no 'love' available at boarding school - all the kids learn is to hide their feelings.

I also think it can't seriously not occur to you that both step kids being difficult or moving away is a reflection on your parenting of them?

This night be nitpicking, but many posters have been referring to this boy losing his mum at two. He didn't. He was a baby when she died and OP came into his life when he was two.

I'm in no doubt that never really knowing/having no memory of one's mother is psychologically difficult, but a lot of people seem to be basing their feelings on a somewhat different situation.

Again, people are claiming that no-one cared about his trauma, when OP actually mentioned in her OP that it was her DH's over-compensating that might have led to this. It wasn't absence of care and love, it appears to be that he was indulged, and his sister seems to confirm that.

Whatever mistakes have been made, this 16 year old now appears to be a risk to women, and extremely difficult to manage at home. OP needs help, not continued battering.

Reap what you sow.

If you’ve been with his dad for 14 years, SS would have been around 2, which suggests you were involved in raising him. Your post reads as though none of this relates to you or DH, but it seems both of you allowed behaviours to go unchallenged, and DH may have stepped back from parenting altogether.
You mentioned his own girlfriend feels uncomfortable around him — have either of you addressed that? The behaviour you described is concerning, even abusive. When he was staring at her at the table, did you or DH intervene, or was it left to your son?
He sounds unpleasant, and it's not surprising that you struggle with your feelings for him, and whether or not his behaviours stem from losing his mum at a young age, who knows. But it does seem that you and DH didn’t do enough to manage his behaviour when he was younger, and some accountability is needed.*

I'm normally on the side of the child in this situation but he sounds like he has a very concerning personality. It does sound like mistakes have been made but we ALL make mistakes as parents.

Your DH needs to try again with the therapy, multiple therapists if necessary, but if SS doesn't want to engage you can't force him.

Think you yourself might just have to keep your head down until he's old enough to leave and then hope that he does. Sad but some people can't be helped and have to sort themselves out. Or not as the case may be - my father being a prime example of someone who was a massive narcissistic bloodsucker of a human being that just preyed on everyone, his parents, siblings, wives, kids yet in his eyes he was always the victim. He is a very lonely old man now, NC with anyone. All his own doing.

Lost his mum at a young age, packed off to boarding school by his father and step mother……..this boy is craving love and support! Little wonder that he misbehaves, that’s the only time anyone ‘sees him’.

There's a big age gap between your step-daughter and step-son. Your step-daughter would have memories of her Mum, but your step-son doesn't. He never got the chance to know his Mum, and that must be tough. Essentially, all he has is other people's stories and photos.

Your husband has to take responsibility here, because he hasn't disciplined and put in boundaries with his son from square one. Instead he's pandered to his son, hoping that somehow that makes up for his Mum not being there. It doesn't and never will. There's a saying 'you reap, what you sow', and that's very true here. Your step-son hasn't been given boundaries at home, so of course he's going to go to school expecting the school to pander to him in the same way. The school won't, and neither should they, but rather than deal with it, your husband blames the school for his son's behaviour and ships him off as a boarder at a private school.

Your step-son clearly feels unwanted and unloved. Sending him off as a boarder has done nothing but re-enforce that to him. I also suspect that your step-son is struggling with his sexuality, and your husband's reaction to discovering gay porn, has again re-enforced that he's unwanted, unlovable and now disgusting too.

Therapy only works if the person fully engages, and your step-son hasn't in the past. Has anyone suggested family therapy? You would all go as a family. Your husband needs to find a way of engaging with his son, because at the moment they are like two strangers. Family therapy might help that. Does your husband talk about his children's Mum to his children? Or is she a closed subject? Does your step-son have pictures of his Mum, that are his own to keep?

This isn't your fault as such OP, because ultimately your husband is responsible for his son, not you. Even if you had tried to enforce discipline and boundaries, without your husband's support, it would have been pointless. You have to work as a team.

He sounds extremely troubled, he’s screaming out for any type of attention he can get. He’s obviously in a lot of pain inside to want to cause everyone else discomfort, I don’t think he’s doing it to be ‘bad’ I think he’s just carrying too much pain and confusion and doesn’t know where to put it. I’d try therapy again regardless of the lies explain the situation to the therapist and see if they can break through the walls and actually help him, make sure he goes and explain that he will continue to go until he leans into the support that he needs. You say he never talks about his mum but that might be part of the problem too, does he want to talk about his mum? Could your husband do something special for his mum just the 2 of them? Try and encourage some discussion if he has anything on his chest it needs to come off. And having a safe space with his dad might encourage this.

Educate yourself on early childhood trauma. Kids don’t need to have recallable memories of an event to suffer because of it.

I’m not so much offended as angry. So many posters dismissing a child’s trauma because he was apparantly too young to know. He was a toddler, not a doll. It’s as if John Bowlby et al never existed.

Children who experience childhood loss, particularly parental berevement, can have poorer outcomes as adults - whatever the age at the time of bereavement parental death leaves a massive scar. I’ve said this before and been jumped on - not ALL bereaved children will experience poorer outcomes, but as a group they are statistically much more at risk for poor educational outcomes, enduring mental illness, substance misuse, inability to form healthy adult relationships etc.

it is very hard for me to read some of these posts in 2026 when there are so many supports out there for bereaved children and their families. A quick google is all it takes -

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/

https://www.griefencounter.org.uk/

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

https://www.childrensbereavementcentre.co.uk/pages/category/impact?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23587040628&gbraid=0AAAABC2ThzDRbJh5jGY7b3muOWKgalhx1&gclid=CjwKCAjwtp7VBhBjEiwAJfpV-0nXzPGPU5gJx1I6M7nnYzAXkh1mg2MtDPIbM9JPoUioemIWe38cfhoChAAQAvD_BwE

Op - this sounds like an extremely difficult situation and I’m sure things were done with the best of intentions but perhaps a lack of understanding of the impact of parental loss on a toddler and the continuing impact throughout life.

if I were you and Dh I would seek support now for both of you first to help you both understand the impact of childhood parental bereavement. This will help you to understand how you can support ss and get him the help he needs.

I think he will need to hear, from you both, that you did your best but with the benefit of hindsight you would have done things differently, that you did not understand the impact of such a significant loss on a child.

Be aware also that he himself may not be able to verbalise how the loss has impacted him, he may have built a narrative that he’s fine, he can’t remember etc.

Both individual and family therapy is the ideal for all of you - with the family therapy preferably including your ds and sd at points too as the whole family has been impacted. Your sd will also be one fit from you and Dh having a better understanding and you might find she needs more support around her loss too.

His behaviour may well be entrenched at this point and is not going to change overnight, but with the right guidance and support for all of you hopefully things will improve drastically over time.

How about you all stop saying how much you hate him and this includes his sister and step brother.Try to engage with him ,find a commen interest .Do things as a family this boy is crying out for something.Agree there needs to be consequences for bad behaviour,but you all need to try talking to him.