I feel like I hate my stepson

[ExhaustedStepmum]

This may be long but i’m honestly really struggling now, this has been going on for years and I’ve had enough. Don’t say to leave DH as it’s not that easy.

I’ve been with DH for about 14 years, I have a DS aged 20 and a SD aged 28, and a SS aged 16.

I get on pretty well with SD although she moved a few hours away at 16 and was living with a family member to be able to attend a really good college in that area, she still lives there and we see her a couple of times a year but she doesn't come here much, she's said she's sick of SS and has referred to him as DH’s “golden boy” and has said he lets him get away with anything to which DH shuts the conversation down.

Their mum passed away when SS was a young baby and I think DH has over compensated and maybe spoilt him but I can tell he's also now getting fed up even though hes sort of to blame for the way he is. But SS says we don't like him

When growing up I don’t really remember him ever being particularly difficult although there were times we let him get away with silliness and answering back for example but he wasn’t an awful child , although he and ds have never been close and when he was younger would destroy his lego builds and they’d argue at any opportunity they got, usually with ss being the cause although DS very much got the “you’re older you should know better” from DH.

Things really changed when he was about 12 with constantly lying and stealing things (anything he got his hands on) being disrespectful at school and at home etc, DH somewhat blamed the school as it was in a bad area and at 13 he got him into a private school and he boarded monday-friday initially, he seemed happy there but at home his behaviour was getting worse and worse.

He began to shoplift when he had no reason to! He likely would’ve got whatever he wanted if he had asked and he wasn’t short on pocket money either (at the time but it did eventually stop), he stole my underwear to the point we had to have a lock on our bedroom door and after that I felt uncomfortable being around him tbh but I still don’t know if it was a “me” thing as in targeting me or if he just wanted underwear iykwim. After that DH paid for a private therapist but it was pointless because he lied the majority of the time and he can be believable which is the scary thing. He was watching some really explicit porn which we had thought we’d blocked on the wifi so i still have no idea how he got around it.

He ended up boarding FT and only coming home during holidays and while the holidays were hell, it was much better which sounds horrible to say. His behaviour at school wasn’t great though and he was permanently suspended at 15 for being caught with weed and there was alcohol in his room, he didn’t care but found it funny. It was a struggle but he started Y11 at a state school which was hard to find as no one wanted him and it was so late he couldn’t do his options. He ended up failing his GCSEs and he didn’t turn up to half of them

DH says it’s pointless even trying to get him into college as he wouldn’t go so said he could work with him except he was messing about with equipment and not listening which was unsafe so now he’s at home 24/7, he has the whole loft conversion to himself so he has a HUGE room and en suite but he still acts hard done by. He despises DH as DH was the one who found the porn and some of it was gay porn and during an argument about the porn in general DH said it was disgusting ans SS has twisted his words that gay = disgusting when DH was just extremely shocked and he probably was disgusted by what he saw because of how explicit it was. He shuts down any conversation regarding sexuality when we brought it up incase that was a reason for his behaviour (as in being worried about it i don’t know) he said he’s not gay and it was just something to watch and gets defensive and accuses us of calling him the f slur (which he actually uses but no one has!)

He spends a lot of time in his room, he smokes cigarettes and vapes but has no money and we’ve hidden our cards etc from him, sometimes he can just appear during a conversation with DH and accuses us of talking about him or saying something totally random that takes us back a bit like for example a couple weeks or months ago we were having a normal conversation about dinner and he came downstairs and out of nowhere asked DH if he wished he (SS) had died instead of him mum and because DH didn’t answer straightaway (because he was shocked, it was the first thing he’d said to him all day) he took it as a yes. But the thing is he never talks about his mum

DS lives here but he spends a lot of time with his gf and i worry he will not come over either when he moves out just like SD doesn’t.

His gf already feels uncomfortable around SS and has said she thought he had taken pictures of her but when DH looked through his camera roll he hadn’t, but today they came over for sunday lunch and SS was downstairs trying to wind DS up but he wasn’t getting the attention and then his gf asked him to stop staring and he made out he wasn’t and that she had a problem with him but then about 15 minutes later he was properly staring blankly at her and DS witnessed it and told him to stop it he did but he then was doing it AGAIN (i was cooking so wasn’t watching him) DS told him to stop being a creep but he still denied it but got up and threw a fork at DS then stormed off to his room. DH was outside and came in to SS storming off but he still went to his room to take him his food when it was done which i don’t agree with

Im just so exhausted with it all and apart from this myself and DH are happy

Wow this poor boy. He’s really been through it. Sorry but I agree I think you’ve both let him down. Your DH needs some therapy on how to be a decent father to this poor boy who lost his mother; was sent to boarding school and then now his dad is disgusted by his sexuality effectively. What a crappy dad he is.

This sounds tough on all of you and he is clearly struggling , suffering and unsafe to have in your home. Teens communicate with bad behaviour or focusing on a single issue like sexuality but there’s more to this.
id be inclined to suggest to his Dad that this is a critical inflection point in his son’s life - he could take him away for quite a tract of time . Like he could maybe take out a loan, take parental
leave or a work sabbatical to travel on a shoestring together for a year / they would start communicating and bonding and address the childhood trauma- perhaps a lifetime worth of horror maybe even prison might be avoided. The signs right now are ominous. Drastic and urgent action are needed. You may have to let your DH go away for a while with his son for the longer term greater good & even maybe to save the SS life.

I feel very sorry for this boy. He has been through the trauma of losing his mother, and no one seems to have helped him emotionally. His dad sounds useless, you hate him and clearly favour your biological children. He destroyed your son’s Lego constructions when he was a child? Seriously, you hold that against him? Good God.

And before anyone starts on the usual nonsense about “stepmothers always being blamed on MN,” I am a stepmother. I have been for 25 years. And my own experience tells me that this boy is crying out for help, but you can’t see that. You hate him and prefer to blame him for his own trauma.

And she's lost her mum when she was 12. A terrible age for a young girl to lose her mum.

I agree that arranging for your DH to have therapy with DSS could be a start.
Also think that DH and DSS travelling as backpackers together for two months could be a worthwhile reconnect.

Stick to boundaries in your home. Aiming for some type of employment or obtaining useful skill sets and getting off weed, vaping etc would be foremost.

Did she die during childbirth @ExhaustedStepmum ? If so, there's a lot that needs to be worked through with the right childhood grief and trauma therapist. Just because the last therapist didn't work, doesn't mean to stop trying that, it's essential for him, the sooner, the better.

like I said he lied the majority of the time to the therapist

Well they weren't much of a therapist if they couldn't work through that with a child.

OP your posts drip with vitriol and dislike for this boy.

Children don't raise themselves. They come into the world needing adult guidance. This child's mother died when he was a baby and the remaining adults in his life have clearly failed him.

He isn't responsible for any of this - as much as you'd like to just blame him and wash your hands of him.

This isn't about free passes, This is about helping a child who hasn't been properly parented or cared for.

The nonsense about what a great big room he's got - as if that compensates for everything - just show how far off the mark the input he has had really is.

no one seems to have helped him emotionally. His dad sounds useless, you hate him and clearly favour your biological children. He destroyed your son’s Lego constructions when he was a child? Seriously, you hold that against him? Good God.🎯

even after we found my underwear in his room and I felt violated 🙄

MN utterly dispises step mums and they just like to pile on with the abuse rather than offering any support.

Which bit of the OP's posts suggests to you that "support" from posters would be useful in helping this boy?

She's more bothered about her own knickers than the fact this child's entire life has been an unsupported write-off.

Anyone who cannot see this boy's acting out as a desperate cry for help is as emotionally blind as possible.

I've actually felt physically nauseated reading this thread,

The whole "oh you're a sm so people are just going to be mean" is an utter dodge of the issues. There are some truly incredible step-mums who post on here, who get the credit they deserve, and MN doesn't just hate them at all.

i think you should have posted this saying you were a single mum and his dad died and you would have had very different responses

I think the responses would still be along the lines that parenting is hard, trauma makes it even harder and you can't just blame the kid and give up - much as @CillianMurphyhasbeautifuleyes has said was the case in a non-step parent situation.

As that post stated, the starting point is for the parents to acknowledge their part in it.

And how dare your ds's girlfriend, as a guest in your house, tell someine actually living in tbe house, the e son of rhe householder, that he can't even look at her. What a rude arrogant madam she is!
Ge is stealing your undies because he hates you and wants you to feel uncomfortable. He thinks you are the root if a lot of his trauma! And you are.

I thought that about the GF too. I thought she clearly picked up on a pretty palpable message that it's fine in that house to diss the DSS.

And how dare your DS's girlfriend, as a guest in your house, tell someone actually living in the house, the son of the householder, that he can't even look at her. What a rude arrogant madam she is

Nonsense.
She shouldn't have to endure any male staring at her, regardless of his parentage.

So you have been in his life since he was two but have never been a mother to him? I don't get this situation at all. You seem to take no responsibility for how he is at all. Surely you raised him together with his dad?

Does he do any sports, clubs etc? Any other male family members, except husband, that he may look up to? My partner lost his mum very young in awful circumstances, his dad was awful about it all and my partner and his brother both went off the rails as teenagers.

however, husband luckily played sport and had 2 or 3 other men that provided a good role model and support for him and saw what was happening and helped. Brother did not, and has been in and out of prison and mental health facilities his whole life now.

No doubt this kid needs some serious therapy and of course his parents should not give up on him but the people acting like the op is selfish or deranged for being really bloody disturbed by a teenage boy stealing her underwear is crazy. Also making the ops sons gf uncomfortable is not okay. Mumsnet constantly tells women to trust their instincts and hold men and boys to account for their behaviour but it apparently all goes out the window when you are a step parent. It is flat out ridiculous.

Ss has been displaying some really concerning behaviours and needs to see a professional about it, probably both individually and with his Dad before he gets himself into real trouble.

His father has failed him completely. Sent away at the first sign of being bothersome. Combined with being spoilt and not being held to account for his actions. Obviously struggling with his sexuality too.
Boarding school is beyond damaging for many children who attend. There would absolutely have been a closer private school he could have attended and stayed living at home and felt as if his father loved him. Not sure why you think having a large room and en-suite is relevant, he’s expected to be grateful for this after being rejected? Your husband needs a good look at himself and how to address the years of trauma his son has endured.

This. Dad should have been pouring everything into his kids to see them through this unimaginable trauma, not hunting for a warm body to fill the void of his late wife/partner.

Thank you for your kind words and acknowledgment.

It was a truly dreadful time and it was a bolt from the blue (although when I look back, I do understand where it came from initially.)

But the exacerbation and execution of it all was like a car crash in slow motion.

I am just so grateful to have a loving relationship with my boy again. We forgave each other a long time ago.

But as the adult, the onus was on me to seek forgiveness.

You honestly don’t sound very invested in fixing this other than to send him away again. This makes me so sad and I wish you had dealt with this very early on - you and your dh have made so many mistakes that you seem unwilling to acknowledge and now have a very damaged child, unsurprisingly. The most fundamental part is that he has been repeatedly abandoned physically and emotionally by every potential attachment figure in his life and you now have no empathy for the “problem” you have helped to create. I would be hot footing to some systemic family therapy but I suspect you would be unwilling If you could be bothered to try and heal relationships you need to start by listening to this thread and taking some responsibility. Very sad.

Issue here is that your DH is a shit dad.

How do you know what he told the therapist?

Did you not seek parental responsibility for him given that he lost his mother so young?