I feel like I hate my stepson

[ExhaustedStepmum]

This may be long but i’m honestly really struggling now, this has been going on for years and I’ve had enough. Don’t say to leave DH as it’s not that easy.

I’ve been with DH for about 14 years, I have a DS aged 20 and a SD aged 28, and a SS aged 16.

I get on pretty well with SD although she moved a few hours away at 16 and was living with a family member to be able to attend a really good college in that area, she still lives there and we see her a couple of times a year but she doesn't come here much, she's said she's sick of SS and has referred to him as DH’s “golden boy” and has said he lets him get away with anything to which DH shuts the conversation down.

Their mum passed away when SS was a young baby and I think DH has over compensated and maybe spoilt him but I can tell he's also now getting fed up even though hes sort of to blame for the way he is. But SS says we don't like him

When growing up I don’t really remember him ever being particularly difficult although there were times we let him get away with silliness and answering back for example but he wasn’t an awful child , although he and ds have never been close and when he was younger would destroy his lego builds and they’d argue at any opportunity they got, usually with ss being the cause although DS very much got the “you’re older you should know better” from DH.

Things really changed when he was about 12 with constantly lying and stealing things (anything he got his hands on) being disrespectful at school and at home etc, DH somewhat blamed the school as it was in a bad area and at 13 he got him into a private school and he boarded monday-friday initially, he seemed happy there but at home his behaviour was getting worse and worse.

He began to shoplift when he had no reason to! He likely would’ve got whatever he wanted if he had asked and he wasn’t short on pocket money either (at the time but it did eventually stop), he stole my underwear to the point we had to have a lock on our bedroom door and after that I felt uncomfortable being around him tbh but I still don’t know if it was a “me” thing as in targeting me or if he just wanted underwear iykwim. After that DH paid for a private therapist but it was pointless because he lied the majority of the time and he can be believable which is the scary thing. He was watching some really explicit porn which we had thought we’d blocked on the wifi so i still have no idea how he got around it.

He ended up boarding FT and only coming home during holidays and while the holidays were hell, it was much better which sounds horrible to say. His behaviour at school wasn’t great though and he was permanently suspended at 15 for being caught with weed and there was alcohol in his room, he didn’t care but found it funny. It was a struggle but he started Y11 at a state school which was hard to find as no one wanted him and it was so late he couldn’t do his options. He ended up failing his GCSEs and he didn’t turn up to half of them

DH says it’s pointless even trying to get him into college as he wouldn’t go so said he could work with him except he was messing about with equipment and not listening which was unsafe so now he’s at home 24/7, he has the whole loft conversion to himself so he has a HUGE room and en suite but he still acts hard done by. He despises DH as DH was the one who found the porn and some of it was gay porn and during an argument about the porn in general DH said it was disgusting ans SS has twisted his words that gay = disgusting when DH was just extremely shocked and he probably was disgusted by what he saw because of how explicit it was. He shuts down any conversation regarding sexuality when we brought it up incase that was a reason for his behaviour (as in being worried about it i don’t know) he said he’s not gay and it was just something to watch and gets defensive and accuses us of calling him the f slur (which he actually uses but no one has!)

He spends a lot of time in his room, he smokes cigarettes and vapes but has no money and we’ve hidden our cards etc from him, sometimes he can just appear during a conversation with DH and accuses us of talking about him or saying something totally random that takes us back a bit like for example a couple weeks or months ago we were having a normal conversation about dinner and he came downstairs and out of nowhere asked DH if he wished he (SS) had died instead of him mum and because DH didn’t answer straightaway (because he was shocked, it was the first thing he’d said to him all day) he took it as a yes. But the thing is he never talks about his mum

DS lives here but he spends a lot of time with his gf and i worry he will not come over either when he moves out just like SD doesn’t.

His gf already feels uncomfortable around SS and has said she thought he had taken pictures of her but when DH looked through his camera roll he hadn’t, but today they came over for sunday lunch and SS was downstairs trying to wind DS up but he wasn’t getting the attention and then his gf asked him to stop staring and he made out he wasn’t and that she had a problem with him but then about 15 minutes later he was properly staring blankly at her and DS witnessed it and told him to stop it he did but he then was doing it AGAIN (i was cooking so wasn’t watching him) DS told him to stop being a creep but he still denied it but got up and threw a fork at DS then stormed off to his room. DH was outside and came in to SS storming off but he still went to his room to take him his food when it was done which i don’t agree with

Im just so exhausted with it all and apart from this myself and DH are happy

Exactly!

Could you please back up your claim that losing a parent pre-memory is not traumatising with references to studies or whatever literature you're using to state this with such certainty?

Your claim runs counter to everything that i know and I work in mental health and support children with high ACEs scores.

OP, I am not a fan of porn use myself, but it can be used as a coping mechanism. Behaviour is communication. He is having a horrible time, and subsequently so are all of you.

Get family therapy, lean in instead of pulling away.

Another one here that thinks boarding school was a terrible idea. My brother in law’s mum moved in with a new man. The man had 3 kids yet my BIL was the only one who got shipped off to boarding school, leaving his mum at home with his step siblings. It has severely damaged him. I don’t know where you go from here but I can see why he is so screwed up.

Im one of those posters who holds step parents to a high standard but you sound like you’ve been doing your best to me. He has unresolved trauma but he’s also been impacted by his environment growing up, including exposure to hard core porn, leading to him being a creep and unsafe around women.

In the context of him falling in with a bad crowd, the move to a private boarding school offering structure and a different environment makes a lot of sense. However, the underlying trauma is still there, and I agree that your SS has likely built up the narrative that he is unloved and was shipped out the home.

Sending him to private therapy again was the right call but perhaps he wasn’t ready for it. Now that he’s expressing things like his fear that his dad wishes he’d died instead of his mother, I’d see it as signalling he’s ready to try again. I’d make it a condition of staying in your home, whilst he’s continuing to act up and isn’t in education or work, he has to be in therapy.

Ideally your husband would also be in therapy to role model this and to work on his own issues - if your son had found his father to be the safe emotional space he needed he likely wouldn't have turned out this way. Your husband needs to signal that this is something men do, and demonstrate his own willingness to accept accountability and grow.

Your husband should also research and talk to him about porn addiction.

Can you all go to family therapy together? You've said he has done therapy but you need to all hear each other and move on together if there is any hope for positivity or progress.
Then things can be explained and listened to in a 'safe' space.

Wow. She of course has the right not to be leered at by an aggressive porn addict whilst visiting her boyfriend’s house. Unbelievable.

Your DH does seem to like farming out his children to others. If a child is having behaviour issues, boarding school will only make it worse. Why couldn't his father give him structure at home? The child's mother died, he had to move in with people he didn't get along with, he got sent away from home during the week and then he got sent away for the maximum amount of time possible. Think what that does to a child's self worth. He had no mother and his father doesn't want to live with him.

I totally understand why you don't like him or want to live with him, but he is a product of his upbringing.

That’s a ridiculous thing to say. Babies absolutely suffer trauma from losing their mother or being adopted away. This is well known.

hes even referencing her death in their arguments so clearly his mother is there in his head. To never get a chance to consciously meet your own mother is incredibly distressing - and the fact his sister did is probably upsetting. He probably feels very left out. All these older kids around him, his dad and his sister knew his mother, he’s on the periphery. Also op doesn’t sound like she mothered him. The way she talks about him when he was little is quite removed for someone who raised him.

In some ways you’re right though, there’s the possibility something else has happened to him. He’s clearly sexually intrusive and pushing boundaries there, he could’ve had something happen to him to cause this. Claiming he’s not gay but watching gay porn whilst screaming about his father calling him gay and stealing his step mother’s knickers all before the age of 16 would raise safeguarding alarms for me.

And op, your statement that therapy didn’t work whatever is a bit silly. Him sitting there lying and sulking and you pulling him out of therapy doesn’t mean it “didn’t work”, it means you pulled him out of therapy. He needs to keep going. It is a long term thing. And you need to keep trying different therapists til you find one that works.

and if your husband runs to give him food when he causes a fuss, he obviously knows that’s how to get his fathers attention. He’s trying to prove to himself that his father loves him/doesnt love him in a horrible cycle. And it doesn’t matter if YOU think he shouldn’t feel this way, he does. His child brain just decided somewhere his dad didn’t really want him. Doesn’t have to be logical, he was a child. And you guys have done nothing to alleviate those worries. Just packed him off to boarding school. (Which by the way is rife with inappropriate sexual behaviour, it’s not just an old cliche)

They fuck you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do…

If your dss isn’t ready for therapy or family therapy, you and his dad should get some trauma based parenting coaching to support him. There is plenty you can both do to turn this around. However, it requires a lot of hard work. And you will need a highly trained professional.

This is a highly specialised area. We are using a coach for our dd. If you are interested, you can pm me.

Absolutely. If you had written this post as a concerned mum not step-mum you may have got some good advice instead of insults.

Going forward I think group therapy. It has to be father and son. If that doesn't work he can get out!

This.
I feel for your ds I really do, but it’s not easy managing these behaviours.
step mums often get told to back off and mind their own business and let DH deal with it. You have done that and now you are being attacked for that.
you’ll not win on MN sadly.

i think family therapy would be a good shout

I feel there are two separate issues here:

1. Your stepson has suffered a major trauma. He should have had counselling and being showered with love BEFORE hitting the teenage years. Him stealing things all the time even when there was no need fir it when younger is very telling; he's missing something he feels has been taken away from him; his mother. Bad decision to send him off instead of working on his problems at home. He felt rejected and has now internalised the "truth" that everyone hates him because he's unloveable. He's trying to confirm that image by doing things he knows he shouldn't just so he can validate the "truth" about him.

You all need to separate behaviour from person. He needs to know that he is loved but that you hate his behaviour. Family therapy for dh and his son would be very useful. If it's just the two of them he will get proof that his father loves him and that he wants to work on their relationship which will increase his son's willingness to participate. You need separate therapy to deal with your feelings (the hatred is valid- just misdirected. It's not ss that you hate- it's his behaviour.) When you realise that SS hates himself more than anyone it will help you to understand where he comes from.

1. You not feeling safe in your home. This is a major thing. And tbh ss sounds like a ticking bomb. Him taking your underwear is already a major transgression. What will the next step be? It's very worrisome and it would have to be adressed in therapy. Also it has to be made clear to ss that you and dh will call the police if warranted. In your position I would suggest separating temporarily with your dh until SS mh is better. You and your DS should live in one place and DH and his son in another. I am really worried about what will happen next if you leave the things to status quo. He's a very very troubled young man and troubled young men are dangerous.

@ExhaustedStepmumlook up borderline personality disorder as some of your SS’s behaviours sound familiar (my sister has it). We all have trauma in life - your SD also lost her mum - but his behaviour is not a normal response. There’s a good book with strategies too called Stop Walking on Egg Shells (what do when someone you love has borderline personality disorder) by Randi Krueger - it was recommended to me by a consultant to help with strategies for managing my sister. My parents constantly made excuses for her a bit like your DH, it gets worse with age though and they started when she was mid 30s to acknowledge there was something really wrong. Terrible and scary convincing lies too and substance abuse too

I’m interested in 2 things here.

What would people here do in this situation? I don’t mean what would (or wouldn’t) they have done before, I mean what would they do now with the present behaviours. In their home, all the time.

Where this bleeding heart sympathy is for the vast majority of the prison and young offender population who have similar and much, much much worse trauma.

DS should not have been sent to therapy individually. You all should have been in therapy together, as a family. The behaviours he is showing are a result of his environment and the decisions the adults in his life have made. Yes, he might be disrespectful and seem to have no real purpose or direction in life, but that does not happen in a vacuum. It is a direct consequence of the parenting, or lack of parenting, that he has received.

Now he is being seen as the “problem child” and labelled as such, without anyone really looking at what has contributed to him becoming this way.

Your stepdaughter leaving home at 16 is also part of the problem. You can glamourise it as much as you want and package it as “she left for college”, but the reality is that, at 16, she did not want to live with you or her dad anymore. That should have raised questions about what was happening within the family, rather than simply being explained away.

How do you know he lied to the therapist? Did the therapist come to you and say, that boy's telling me lies? Even if this were the case, it certainly doesn't mean therapy is useless. If you tried again and accepted that therapy is something private between the client (your SS) and therapist, and let them start the long journey of working through his pain, that would be something helpful to do. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time

Mumsnet constantly tells women to trust their instincts and hold men and boys to account for their behaviour but it apparently all goes out the window when you are a step parent. It is flat out ridiculous.

Yep. This thread is bizarre.

I think this post gets closest to my thoughts on this.

When kids start shoplifting it's a cry for help and should have been treated as such. I also agree that I would not be staying living with a young man (not far off legal adulthood) who I did not feel safe with.

It's a right mess but you need to go from here as you can't turn the clock back.

What do you mean by he lied to the therapist?! How do you know what he said? I mean if he just shut down and didn't say anything like I did when I went at 14, then it's no use. But if you're claiming the things he's saying to his therapist are lies how can you expect him to get better?! He's not even believed in a therapeutic context. Honestly that's messed up.

His mum died when he was a baby so having a step mother at 2 wouldn’t have been traumatising to a toddler. The step sister who is several years older would’ve been deeply affected by her mother’s death and she turned out fine. I think something probably happened at high school before he was boarded and during the time at boarding school (boarded from age 12) and that has traumatised him. You’ve also missed off how his own sister dislikes him too - his behaviour is horrific.

THIS. Good god - you were supposed to be a mother after his died and you have supported sending him away to boarding school. Hideous.

I really feel for you, it sounds like you have been more than patient and have tried many things to help him, do you see a future for yourself with your husband if this continues or finding a more peaceful life with your son?

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so personally offended at a post on MN. I’ve been here since 2009. Your first sentence is horrifying. How dare you say that a tot of 2 wouldn’t be deeply traumatised by the death of their mother. And the rapid introduction of a disinterested step mother.

I've lived that exact experience and am still affected 50 odd years later. Therapy (at last) is helping me understand what a major event I went through and how the family dynamics I grew up in damaged me.

this boy needs therapy. His behaviour is awful and it’s unsurprising that OP and other family members dislike being with him. But he’s 16. Far too young to write off. On top of everything else, this sad boy knows that his dad can’t be bothered to address his clear cry for help.

C'mon, the lego was just an example of the behaviour and family dynamic.