I feel like I hate my stepson

[ExhaustedStepmum]

This may be long but i’m honestly really struggling now, this has been going on for years and I’ve had enough. Don’t say to leave DH as it’s not that easy.

I’ve been with DH for about 14 years, I have a DS aged 20 and a SD aged 28, and a SS aged 16.

I get on pretty well with SD although she moved a few hours away at 16 and was living with a family member to be able to attend a really good college in that area, she still lives there and we see her a couple of times a year but she doesn't come here much, she's said she's sick of SS and has referred to him as DH’s “golden boy” and has said he lets him get away with anything to which DH shuts the conversation down.

Their mum passed away when SS was a young baby and I think DH has over compensated and maybe spoilt him but I can tell he's also now getting fed up even though hes sort of to blame for the way he is. But SS says we don't like him

When growing up I don’t really remember him ever being particularly difficult although there were times we let him get away with silliness and answering back for example but he wasn’t an awful child , although he and ds have never been close and when he was younger would destroy his lego builds and they’d argue at any opportunity they got, usually with ss being the cause although DS very much got the “you’re older you should know better” from DH.

Things really changed when he was about 12 with constantly lying and stealing things (anything he got his hands on) being disrespectful at school and at home etc, DH somewhat blamed the school as it was in a bad area and at 13 he got him into a private school and he boarded monday-friday initially, he seemed happy there but at home his behaviour was getting worse and worse.

He began to shoplift when he had no reason to! He likely would’ve got whatever he wanted if he had asked and he wasn’t short on pocket money either (at the time but it did eventually stop), he stole my underwear to the point we had to have a lock on our bedroom door and after that I felt uncomfortable being around him tbh but I still don’t know if it was a “me” thing as in targeting me or if he just wanted underwear iykwim. After that DH paid for a private therapist but it was pointless because he lied the majority of the time and he can be believable which is the scary thing. He was watching some really explicit porn which we had thought we’d blocked on the wifi so i still have no idea how he got around it.

He ended up boarding FT and only coming home during holidays and while the holidays were hell, it was much better which sounds horrible to say. His behaviour at school wasn’t great though and he was permanently suspended at 15 for being caught with weed and there was alcohol in his room, he didn’t care but found it funny. It was a struggle but he started Y11 at a state school which was hard to find as no one wanted him and it was so late he couldn’t do his options. He ended up failing his GCSEs and he didn’t turn up to half of them

DH says it’s pointless even trying to get him into college as he wouldn’t go so said he could work with him except he was messing about with equipment and not listening which was unsafe so now he’s at home 24/7, he has the whole loft conversion to himself so he has a HUGE room and en suite but he still acts hard done by. He despises DH as DH was the one who found the porn and some of it was gay porn and during an argument about the porn in general DH said it was disgusting ans SS has twisted his words that gay = disgusting when DH was just extremely shocked and he probably was disgusted by what he saw because of how explicit it was. He shuts down any conversation regarding sexuality when we brought it up incase that was a reason for his behaviour (as in being worried about it i don’t know) he said he’s not gay and it was just something to watch and gets defensive and accuses us of calling him the f slur (which he actually uses but no one has!)

He spends a lot of time in his room, he smokes cigarettes and vapes but has no money and we’ve hidden our cards etc from him, sometimes he can just appear during a conversation with DH and accuses us of talking about him or saying something totally random that takes us back a bit like for example a couple weeks or months ago we were having a normal conversation about dinner and he came downstairs and out of nowhere asked DH if he wished he (SS) had died instead of him mum and because DH didn’t answer straightaway (because he was shocked, it was the first thing he’d said to him all day) he took it as a yes. But the thing is he never talks about his mum

DS lives here but he spends a lot of time with his gf and i worry he will not come over either when he moves out just like SD doesn’t.

His gf already feels uncomfortable around SS and has said she thought he had taken pictures of her but when DH looked through his camera roll he hadn’t, but today they came over for sunday lunch and SS was downstairs trying to wind DS up but he wasn’t getting the attention and then his gf asked him to stop staring and he made out he wasn’t and that she had a problem with him but then about 15 minutes later he was properly staring blankly at her and DS witnessed it and told him to stop it he did but he then was doing it AGAIN (i was cooking so wasn’t watching him) DS told him to stop being a creep but he still denied it but got up and threw a fork at DS then stormed off to his room. DH was outside and came in to SS storming off but he still went to his room to take him his food when it was done which i don’t agree with

Im just so exhausted with it all and apart from this myself and DH are happy

Trauma affects people in different ways.

For example, two people can witness a distressing event - say a fatal car accident. How they react to this event will be different although highly likely to have some commonalities.

while I appreciate your personal experience of childhood loss via your grandfather’s life, there is a huge body of evidence around childhood parental loss and bereavement. OP’s ss’s behaviour is very difficult but actually no, it’s not at another level - anyone with experience of working with traumatised children would be familiar with the behaviours described.

I agree, there is an emphasis on what was done for SS ie making food he likes etc but a lack of love and care in the way he is written about.

OP has given reasons why the SDC were not at home - SS boarding for a structured environment at age 13. SD for a college which happened to be far from the family home so had to move away at age 16. Both SDC not at home with the only child as home OPs DS.

OP it seems lacks insight into why SS might behave in the way he does or why SD doesn't visit much now. She might say it's because of her DB to just keep the peace and he is an easier target. So now the poor boy is even more isolated even from his sister.

Their own father needs to wake up as to why his need for a new wife soon after the death of the mother of his kids has lead to this mess.

I used stepson for the purpose of this thread as well it wouldn’t make much sense would it! I haven’t treated him any differently to my DS and if he behaved this way i’d also be hating him and his behaviour right now. I did treat him as my own although I never made him call me mum or anything but posters here are attacking me as if i’ve always hated him and treated him badly which I never have and I still don’t treat him badly i just don’t like being around him especially alone

Parental loss or not, boarding school or not, there’s an abundance of behaviour that simply can’t be tolerated or glossed over. Frankly I’m already amazed you’ve made it past the underwear incident.

My father and all his siblings grew up in boarding schools (actually, even worse, in orphanages) and most came out very good people, just one hasn’t. Was it the trauma? Maybe. But you can’t run with that forever. I have a close friend who grew up shoved into a boarding school (her mother even changed countries without telling her!) and she’s not like your SS.

DD lost her father very young, followed by a string of grandparents deaths. She’s tricky, but not that tricky. I work with a young man DD’s age who also lost his mother very young. Again, he has issues, but not like your SS.

He definitely needs help, but you’d probably also be better off with him moving out (maybe with DH temporarily) and helping from a certain distance.

I agree with PPs who have mentioned personality disorders and (most importantly) weed use, if he does. I 100% think weed is a massive reason for so many MH issues in young people.

There wouldn’t have been the same vile hate that has cropped up though.

There is a responsibility on the OP and his dad for this, but some posters have been utterly vile, and there has been very little genuine support

@ExhaustedStepmum please contact some of the organisations I linked earlier, there is support out there for you as parents as well as for your ss.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, it’s very easy to know what we’d do differently looking back….but you are where you are today so you need to go from here. Things can get better for all your family with the right support in place. I’m not saying it will be easy but let’s face facts, parenting isn’t easy even without trauma and teenage hormones thrown in! Good luck ❤️

And above and beyond that, children actually need to be brought up and guided by someone. Not shipped off because they are difficult.

His sister also did not hang about. Whatever her reasons were, that is still sending a message about the cohesion of his family to him.

It's all very well for pp to go on about not condoning misogyny or porn or leering etc, but someone actually has to TEACH boys to be appropriate members of society. You don't just send them away then complain about who comes back.

Boarding school can work for children in very supportive families who do it for the right reasons. But doing it to get rid of a child is not one of them.

But to be fair she has not approached the thread as someone genuinely looking for help,

She has declared that she "hates" him. and her paramount concern is feeling anxious because he looked at her knickers. Not WHY he took them, or how they can help unpick, but more seeking reinforcement that he needs kicking out - again.

You wouldn't get many bio mothers coming at things from that angle. Yes, they might have made parenting mistakes, but it is the attitude not just the situation the family has got into that has angered people.

I’d be feeling anxious if any male member of my family, young or not, had been rummaging through my underwear. You don’t need to be a full fledged adult to make a woman feel unsafe about it, really.

Yeah and so would I.

But I'd also be feeling a whole lot worse if my mum had died when I was a baby, my father had remarried someone who hated me, my sister left home early, I got shipped to boarding school because my home found me hard to accommodate,

And the difference is, for the vast majority of this time, one has been a child dealing with it and the other an adult. PP can argue all they like about whether he is now an adult and has been for half an hour, but his difficulties date back into his childhood.

OP I agree with the poster up thread you need to find the right therapist. My daughter had three. We also had two sencos advising autism and it was only at her second school (funnily enough a boarding school) that we got the correct diagnosis. She's not autistic but has a communication difficulty brought on by trauma.

Your stepson sounds that he has a mental health crisis. People could have influenced him online if he is into gay porn. Remember the LGBT q activists seek out ' 'new friends'. When did this start I wonder? Boys at boarding school always swapped dirty mags for fags. Twas ever thus.
He might have stolen you underwear to wear.

Yes he needs therapy but he also needs to be in school. Did he choose the last one? Does he want to go to a new one? There's no mention of friends.
Fwiw my half brother always felt different. My father included him in everything but he was difficult as a child and did some shit things including hurting me. I never told anyone bar my sister who didn't believe me. Be vigilant, he could have hurt your dsd.
Psychopaths do exist as children so I suggest you don't get an animal as he could hurt it.
He's still young enough for camhs but the wait is huge. Buy some robust therapy and be very clear as to what's gone on. He probably needs a psychiatrist not a therapist. Good luck.

it sounds to me like she is exhausted and feeling at the end of her tether.

Sometimes when we’re in a situation we can’t see the wood for the trees - we feel like we have tried everything and that there isn’t anything that else that can be done. That’s perfectly normal. There ARE things that can be done - support and therapy for the parents, the child and the entire family. But I’m not remotely surprised that op is feeling as she is. Berating and attacking her isn’t going to encourage her to gather herself and, along with her husband, find the strength to keep going and explore options that may help.

I think the point is the OP is scared of him ( that's how it sounds to me).

And writing the boy off as an intrinsically bad egg isn't going to generate a motivation to address the situation either. It's simply an excuse to drop the ball entirely. I'm afraid I just don't believe you do that with children - certainly not as young as 16.

if you look at my previous posts I have provided links to support services and encouraged op to contact them. I managed to do that without judging her. You should try it sometime.

DH does try to do things with him even simple stuff like asking him if he wants to go to the cinema but he’s not interested in doing anything with him, he says no to everything, dh owns his own business so SS was going to work with him even if it’s not something he wants to do long term , it’d be something for now atleast but the first day he was messing about with equipment which is obviously dangerous so he now stays in his room. DH would have him working with him still if he was sensible but he says no he doesn’t want to work with/for him but he doesn’t have any plans of his own.

He doesn’t get any money now so he doesn’t smoke weed, if he wants something he has to ask and we will get it if it’s within reason (not drugs/cigarettes/vapes/alcohol or something ridiculous that’s £££) he doesn’t like it because he says it’s treating him like a child but we can’t trust him so we have to really . We have hidden our cards as on multiple occasions he’s stolen from us and ordered deliveroo and bought other things. We don’t begrudge him food, if we have takeaway we ask if he wants anything and even if he’s in a mood and says no DH orders something he knows he likes anyway

I’ve not said he needs to be kicked out please point me to where i’ve said that. I also didn’t say he should be kicked out when he went to board either, it wasn’t my idea and DH didn’t do it to “get rid” of him either i’ve said many times it was easier for the commute, even though DH was likely wrong and that it wasn’t the schools fault for his behaviour the school wasn’t in a great area and the school was rated required improvement and other state schools also weren’t the best so the private school did seem to make sense.

He viewed the school with DH and chose the school he went to (they visited a few), the days were structured, he did alot of activities and when he was boarding ft he went on many trips at weekends etc. He did have friends at the boarding school but they were from different areas (and some different countries) so he doesn’t see them anymore and hasn’t since he got suspended , he felt it was unfair as he was the only one getting punished by the school as he said the others smoked and drank too but he was the only one found with the weed and the alcohol bottles were in his room, not theirs so it was an instant suspension and his behaviour wasn’t great anyway so that probably did contribute aswell.

There are plenty of things I don't judge, but abnegating responsibility for children isn't one of them.

OP I would look on the good schools guide and see if there's a better fit. I looked at 22!

Would he be prepared to try another one? Did you visit the FE college? They're better for non conformists.
I would usually advise a Christian foundation school but that might not suit if he's gay.
He needs a very strong role model. I hate violence but boxing clubs and other sports can show belonging.

Under no circumstances would I have a young adult unemployed male who takes drugs and has troubling behaviour staying in my home. Son, stepson or relative of any kind. Not a chance.

How does he access money for vapes and cigarettes? Does he not want to get a PT job that is unrelated to DH?

DD said no to things together more often than not unless it was something she wanted (still does, and often leaves me stood up) but I keep persisting because I don’t want her using it as something to whine about, really. However she was always very keen on getting extra money and as soon as she turned 16 she got a PT job to supplement her allowance, is this something SS would want or does he just want money for nothing?

His mum died when he was a baby (way before he was 2) so he wouldn’t remember. His older sister would’ve been deeply affected by the death of her mum, which I mentioned in her post. She would have memories of her mum and the death. According to OP’s posts, the sister has turned out fine.

Judge away - but don’t expect it to help.

If you want to help somebody it is far better to offer advice and encouragement. What op is expressing is not unusual for a parent - birth, step or foster - who is feeling at the end of their tether and unable to see any hope.

Losing a parent before language and before you can recall later causes different but very substantial emotional impacts.

Oh dear god. You have NO idea how childhood bereavement works.

Honestly, when you have no idea about something you have two options 1. Research and inform yourself 2. Don’t offer advice on something you know absolutely fuck all about.

there is SO much evidence based research about childhood loss and its impact on ALL children, whatever their age at the time of the bereavement. It’s really not difficult to research….i even provided links to resources.

also, you know some smokers live to 100 don’t you - that doesn’t negate the fact that smoking is one of the leading contributors to premature death. Similarly just because his sister ‘turned out fine’ (and we don’t actually know this btw, she could be masking the impact of the trauma) that doesn’t mean anything. THIS child is not fine and he suffered parental loss at an early age - along with other things op has written about his life experiences it doesn’t take much to join the dots.

My stepmother would have you believe that I was the perfect child from the age of four when she got me with no recallable memories of my mother until I was 17. According to her, I just turned into a horrible spiteful child who wanted to make her life a misery and she had no idea why. Just like you she was unable to join the dots and realise that my running away and drinking and smoking was a direct reaction to my father being in hospital on deaths door for two months. All realised that my early perfect behaviour was born out of a fear that if I wasn’t perfect the people I loved would leave me.

it took me over 40 years to begin healing from the trauma of losing a parent that I couldn’t consciously recall, and a lot of that healing was actually dealing with the fact that the adults remaining in my life didn’t care enough about me to help me as a child.

You sent him to a Therapist and as soon as he opened up just a little bit and was able to tell them a story about his dog that ran away, instead of recognising that this was the first time he’d ever been in a position to trust somebody enough to talk about his emotions the person he trusted told his stepmother and father what he’d been saying to them and they denounced it as lies.

can you really not see the damage that you and his father heaped on this poor boy.

if you really want to fix this, then you and his father need to go speak to a child childhood bereavement specialist- you’ve been given some links to find one. Learn all the ways in which the two of you have badly handled him. Be honest with yourself about the mistakes you have made and when you can genuinely admit to them, first his father and then you need to have conversations with him, probably with the Therapist in the room, and committ to helping him heal so he doesn’t behave like a frightened screwed up child.

Or you could just wait two years and chuck him out and live with the fact that you, as an adult, took on a child who needed more love and attention than Most and did not supply that