AIBU to feel hurt that my husband will not read my book?

[frustratedwriter]

So. I've always wanted to write a book but never knew what I could write about.

I'm fairly well established in my profession but publishing something in my field gives me the absolute willies with imposter syndrome.

Even my husband said to me frequently... "you should write a book"...

And then one day I had an experience that sent my brain off on a flight of fancy and blow me, I had the bones of a wild and weird story.

I've worked on this tirelessly between breaks while working, at weekends and early mornings for months and months and I now have about 120,000 words written and a "book" with a story which of course still needs lots of work.

I decided that I needed trusted people in my life to read it and tell me if it's shit or not. I wanted it tested.

So. I printed copies for my mum and sister, and sent opening chapters to my husband and bestie. Results as follows:

Bestie has never mentioned it again. She clearly thinks it's shit. A bit disappointing but maybe silence is easier than risking the friendship (to be clear, it wouldnt, I love her loads and would be ok if she said "no offence mate, not my thing")..

Mum. Got a notebook and pen out and went through it meticulously, spotted character drift, typos and the odd weird bit of the story where what was in my head had not made it onto paper in a way the reader could reasonably follow. She is an avid reader and was both critical and complementary. She said she loved it, it is unique, timely, and she thinks once I've made some rewrites I should try and court some agents.

Sister. Devoured it. Was just the biggest cheerleader and adored it for me. She gave very little pointers but was super enthusiastic for me. Love her for this. 💛 She wasn't critical, but frankly I could streak down the high street with tits flapping in the wind, and she would tell everyone with pride that I was hers.... so I take her enthusiasm with a pinch of salt.

Husband. He has had it for three weeks now. Even though it has been obvious I've been working on it for such a long time, and I explicitly told him I valued his opinion, he simply hasn't even opened it. So a week ago I told him how hurt I was, that he was the one who always said i could do it, and now that I have, he seems to be deliberately ignoring it. He apologised if I was hurt, said he has been super busy (he really hasn't), and admitted not even opening it. He promised he would read the chapter in the next few days. He never asked one question about it and hasn't mentioned it since the briefly apology if my feelings were hurt.

Since then, he has spent hours doom scrolling, watched shit fishing shows (8ncluding repeats), and read various news articles. Sometimes so lost in his phone i could hardly get a word out of him. So... I deleted the book off his emails. It was unread. He would have to ask me to send it again now if he wanted to look. (To be clear we have open access to each other's emails. No secrets and no sneaking, his emails are in my Outlook and I manage lots for him, so no snooping to worry about). He could have read the opening chapter in half an hour. I reckon if I asked him what the working title is, he wouldn't know.

So... at the end of this, am I being unreasonable to be gutted he has absolutely no interest? I feel rage bubbling up inside me everytime I look at him right now. Even if he read it and said he hated it... but he hasn't even opened it. Completely uninterested. Like... what a fucking team.

He's doing a qualification at the moment and I always help him with his essays. Final year is about to start and he can jog the fuck on if he thinks I'm lifting a finger for him now.

Maybe this book will just die a death as a little vanity project, but pfft.... wanker.

[Typos galore, written in rage... the actual book is much more careful]...

My friend wrote a book and asked to me read it. I just couldn’t. It felt far too personal, and risked too much if I didn’t like it.

I'm honestly genuinely surprised some people feel that way.

I have zero interest in DH's hobbies and wouldn't expect him to have any interest in mine. If the book was published I might have a read of it if it was a subject that interested me but otherwise, I doubt I'd bother.

As long as her DH supported her while she was writing and gave her the time and space to do it, I'd say that was enough.

For this sort of thing you do want somebody who's disinterested, but not uninterested.

This is so true, and I wanna be friends with that poster.

This. DH was a published author at one point and I did read his stuff for him but it was not a pleasant experience as he didn't listen to feedback I gave him, even though I am a professional editor, dismissed my ideas as not good enough and then got identical feedback from his agents and publishers. I found it very frustrating.

You say your DH has been scrolling on his phone etc - but that is his downtime. Switch-off-the-brain time. Reading your book - 120k!!! - is the opposite. It is a huge undertaking, demanding of his critical attention and also quite emotionally draining as he will want to be rooting for you. If he already has a lot on his plate right now, he needs that downtime. Reading other people's first drafts is exhausting - have you done it for other people?

I tell the authors I work with never to give their work to family, as spouses haven't a clue how to give constructive feedback - especially if it is a genre they don't normally read, and parents will tell you it is wonderful.

You need beta readers; fellow writers who you swap scripts with. Give each other feedback. Do this a few times. Your own effort at beta reading other people's first drafts will teach you a lot too, and also make you appreciate what a big request it is. You could also look at a self-editing course, like those run by Jericho Writers, or get feedback from a literary consultant.

Edited to add I don't work for Jericho Writers and never have. I just know that course has an excellent reputation and good success rate in converting early drafts to commercially viable scripts.

It’s such a difficult thing, I’ve two friends who wrote books, one , wrote 3 fiction chic lit books and one who wrote about his career. I also bought my daughters friends mums book who self published, as I was asked to.i read them all, I was very nice about them and gave some minor criticism I thought they could handle , in reality none were good. They were like school essays that went on too long, not much past gcse English.

the issue is people say they can handle criticism but they can’t. They treat these books like their babies and are so proud of them.

you need strangers to read them op. Not your family and friends.

Well, it's like teaching the child of a friend and having to write reports or give feedback at parents evenings.. just awkward!

OP - you're best off asking strangers for feedback - like a focus group. It's too biased to ask people you know so other than your mum, it won't be accurate or helpful anyway (like you said with your sister).

oooookaaay ... well if that's working out for the two of you, then that's great. It's definitely not the kind of relationship I'd want.

For instance - I'm in a choir, and we give little local performances every now and then. DP hasn't been able to come to one yet, but he does want to and I'm sure he will. I'd feel quite hurt if he never did because he just couldn't be bothered.

But are you asking for genuine feedback on your choir and areas for improvement? Because that's quite different.

@frustratedwriter Join a writing group- either online or in person and search Beta Readers. These are anons who will read and give feedback.OR if you can afford it and are serious about writing, use one of the coaching organisations and work with a consultant / send your work for appraisal.

Yanbu. It's very unsupportive of him. Go and tell him how you feel.

I read some of my ex's book and it was AWFUL. It's not that he couldn't write, but the female character he'd tried to write was so badly done. I never told him though and at least I read a few chapters.

Your book means a lot to you, with good reason. The problem is that it never means quite as much to others as it does to you. It's upsetting that your husband hasn't yet read it but give him time.

Shock horror. A male writer writing a woman character poorly 😣

Everyone has different expectations of relationships, and these shift over time- when i was a child as long as your husband supported the household financially, was not phyiscally abusive and did not bring home STD's he was considered a good husband- I'd like to think things have moved on.

A writer I can promise you he’s envious. He can say all day you CAN write a book and he’s supported you and now you have gone and written the book…. And he will likely never ever do it even though he secretly thought that he could absolutely write a book too. By you actually doing it, regardless of the contents, a power shift has happened and you have proven your own tenacity and determination ( even if it never goes anywhere). In short, the shear feat of writing 120,000 words that make even loose sense is a difficult thing indeed. He likely feels threatened and is easier to ignore it and for him to stay lazy than to have to face up to the fact that he couldn’t do AND on top of that yours is actually great.

i have seen this a fair bit amongst friends tbh.

But that's not really a fair comparison.

As I've said, I'm a published author. My husband is extremely supportive of that. He reads my books when they're published. He does not (and I wouldn't want him to) read 120,000 word unedited drafts.

He has an outing hobby (think lycra). I'm not remotely interested in hearing about climbs and distances and metres or watching charity rides but I'm supportive of the time and effort it takes him to do it. If he was in the Tour de France, I'd go watch.

It's hardly lowering the relationship bar to be supportive of a person's effort but not interested in putting your time into specific milestones along the way.

Where are people getting that her husband is jealous because he also wanted to write a book? I've re-read @frustratedwriter's OP and don't get that anywhere?

Yes, that’s true and it’s why I asked OP if her husband had celebrated her achievement. I am so curious to know @frustratedwriter

I had friends allegedly on board with my author dream and were happy to encourage me until I actually got an agent and you could tell they were unsettled. I am ND and had been fired /pushed out from a series of jobs in my 20s so with hindsight I feel they liked having me around to make themselves feel better. I was the hapless friend with the chaotic life and they weren’t happy for me to grow from that role.

They kept asking for updates on how things were going after the agent and became very interested in the process. But I had a niggling feeling they were not wishing me well and were in fact checking to see I hadn’t succeeded.

I told myself I was imagining it, but 10 months later when I signed my first 2 book deal, the same handful of friends I had suspicions over totally ghosted me or became very frosty when I told them. It was clearly the update they hadn’t wanted to receive. So I cut all of them out before my book was released. I didn’t want bad energy at the launch. It’s a bit harder to cut someone out when it’s your husband though so I really hope this isn’t the case!

What a weird thing to say - as if not being interested in someone's hobby is the equivalent of them not beating you

Maybe it’s because he’s too close to you? If it were me I’d be afraid I wouldn’t like it and I would upset the person I love the most. Or that I couldn’t really be honest. Which is no reflection on how you might react but more about not wanting to hurt your feelings (or a people pleasing tendency making him unable to be really honest).

Same here. I did come across it much later on and started to read it but it wasn’t very good. I’m relieved I didn’t have to lie to her at the time.

At what point will you say "oh he never will" though? Because op's dh seems to have said he will (like your dp) but hasn't done so (like your dp) and she's given up after 3 weeks...

We only do one performance a term, so I'll give him a few more chances! 😀

It's not that I want criticism or feedback from him particularly - just a bit of recognition, as I suspect OP does as well. "Hey, I made something, will you take a look?" If you're met with indifference, it can be slightly crushing.

I'm a published novelist, and while my DP did read my book many of my closest friends didn't, including one who's an avid reader. I know it's hard to hear when you pour your heart into something, but it can be a really big ask to read someone's book if you don't feel like it. You may not be into reading fiction at the moment (even as a writer I go through periods of not reading), you may not like the sound of it, may not have time, may worry about not liking it, lots of reasons, all of them justified. All you have to remember as a writer that there isn't any one single person whose opinion gets to define the quality of your book, or its future changes. I'm in the coaching program by the absolutely amazing, wonderful Sophie Hannah, and she always repeats this, because it's so easy to forget. Keep writing! And edit it, and send it out. Then start writing the next one. That's all that matters.

I work in publishing. Bluntly, OP - your DH/mum/sister/mate probably aren't going to give you feedback that's particularly constructive or useful unless they are editors, agents, or writers themselves. If you want to do this professionally, then you need to separate the personal from the professional - and all these people that you've asked for feedback are personal to you.

That's not to say their views will be 'wrong' - yes, it's possible if your mum loved it, others might too - but as a reader, it's very hard to be impartial and detached when you are looking at the work of someone you know well. It also puts the reader in a difficult position. Even though it's my job, I actually had to start refusing all the 'please read my novel' requests from people I know, because it can get very awkward if your professional opinion isn't what they want to hear!

I think it's rubbish of your BF to ignore you (er, what?) and I can see that it feels hurtful that your DH hasn't read the novel either, but really, given this isn't likely to be valuable to you in the long run, I'd just truck on with making the book the best that you think it can be, and not get so caught up with what your DH is doing.

This is a very odd take indeed.