AIBU to feel hurt that my husband will not read my book?

[frustratedwriter]

So. I've always wanted to write a book but never knew what I could write about.

I'm fairly well established in my profession but publishing something in my field gives me the absolute willies with imposter syndrome.

Even my husband said to me frequently... "you should write a book"...

And then one day I had an experience that sent my brain off on a flight of fancy and blow me, I had the bones of a wild and weird story.

I've worked on this tirelessly between breaks while working, at weekends and early mornings for months and months and I now have about 120,000 words written and a "book" with a story which of course still needs lots of work.

I decided that I needed trusted people in my life to read it and tell me if it's shit or not. I wanted it tested.

So. I printed copies for my mum and sister, and sent opening chapters to my husband and bestie. Results as follows:

Bestie has never mentioned it again. She clearly thinks it's shit. A bit disappointing but maybe silence is easier than risking the friendship (to be clear, it wouldnt, I love her loads and would be ok if she said "no offence mate, not my thing")..

Mum. Got a notebook and pen out and went through it meticulously, spotted character drift, typos and the odd weird bit of the story where what was in my head had not made it onto paper in a way the reader could reasonably follow. She is an avid reader and was both critical and complementary. She said she loved it, it is unique, timely, and she thinks once I've made some rewrites I should try and court some agents.

Sister. Devoured it. Was just the biggest cheerleader and adored it for me. She gave very little pointers but was super enthusiastic for me. Love her for this. 💛 She wasn't critical, but frankly I could streak down the high street with tits flapping in the wind, and she would tell everyone with pride that I was hers.... so I take her enthusiasm with a pinch of salt.

Husband. He has had it for three weeks now. Even though it has been obvious I've been working on it for such a long time, and I explicitly told him I valued his opinion, he simply hasn't even opened it. So a week ago I told him how hurt I was, that he was the one who always said i could do it, and now that I have, he seems to be deliberately ignoring it. He apologised if I was hurt, said he has been super busy (he really hasn't), and admitted not even opening it. He promised he would read the chapter in the next few days. He never asked one question about it and hasn't mentioned it since the briefly apology if my feelings were hurt.

Since then, he has spent hours doom scrolling, watched shit fishing shows (8ncluding repeats), and read various news articles. Sometimes so lost in his phone i could hardly get a word out of him. So... I deleted the book off his emails. It was unread. He would have to ask me to send it again now if he wanted to look. (To be clear we have open access to each other's emails. No secrets and no sneaking, his emails are in my Outlook and I manage lots for him, so no snooping to worry about). He could have read the opening chapter in half an hour. I reckon if I asked him what the working title is, he wouldn't know.

So... at the end of this, am I being unreasonable to be gutted he has absolutely no interest? I feel rage bubbling up inside me everytime I look at him right now. Even if he read it and said he hated it... but he hasn't even opened it. Completely uninterested. Like... what a fucking team.

He's doing a qualification at the moment and I always help him with his essays. Final year is about to start and he can jog the fuck on if he thinks I'm lifting a finger for him now.

Maybe this book will just die a death as a little vanity project, but pfft.... wanker.

[Typos galore, written in rage... the actual book is much more careful]...

I think he's probably worried that he wont like it and wouldn't feel comfortable telling you that. It's a big ask, especially as he's seen how hard you've worked on it.

I was in this same situation with my partner, only the piece of writing was much shorter. My partner is not someone who reads books. He refused to look at it at first, then planned to use an automatic reader on his laptop - a robot voice - to read it out to him. I was furious and withdrew the offer. It was years before I asked him to read something I'd written again. When he did, he liked it and still mentions it (because it was political and a theme that resonates with him).

It's wonderful training tbf

My DH has written several books and even dedicated one to me - but I’ve never read one - they are academic texts on a very complex subject!

That said OP your DH should read your book as he knows it means a lot to you.

Reading the first two chapters would probably mean the OP sends more so I can see why he may not have wanted to start.
I love to write. Not published, but I used to write books for the children. I wouldn't particularly want dh to read it, nor would his feedback be useful.

You need unconnected people to read it that can be honest. Family and friends don't feel they can say if they don't like it.
Described perfectly by a little 10yo that I was chaperoning fir a show once. "If all I had to do was come on in black with a sign saying 'London 5 miles' and I tripped over on the way in, held the sign backwards and went the wrong way, Mum would still think I was the best in the show"

I use Scribophile. You critique other people's pieces, which helps your writing, and they do yours. Most of the time feedback is helpful and you build your own writing group round you.
Yes, sometimes you hear things you don't want to, but on the whole people are pretty nice!

If it’s not a genre he normally reads? If he reads books at all, it’s unlikely he’ll like it. My DSis wrote a book about her life and overcoming problems including her childhood -I haven’t read it though I should have, but it feels a bit triggering just thinking about it

It doesn't read like AI to me. AI has a distinctive style, such as grouping things by three, and the overuse of negatives. Stuff like: 'this post was written by AI. Not by a human. Not with a conscious mind. But via an unthinking machine.'

You are right, I gave up after a few paragraphs and would do the same with a book written like that.
I just checked the post. I did notice the apology for typos but typos are not what I am talking about.

Might he be jealous that you have managed to produce 120k words & he has not? He may not wish to 'write a book' but he may be jealous of your focus?

I've got more than thirty published books and most of my family have never read a word I write. I don't really want them to. My mum only read part of one of my books and complained about the 'bad language' (but was very proud when it won an award and touted it around to everyone she knew).

When I teach writing I say 'never give your book to anyone who might die by your hand if they criticise it' - only let people who are unrelated and, preferably, other writers read your work before it goes for publication. Family will never tell you the truth.

So don't hassle your DH. He might be afraid it's not any good and then what would he say to you? He might be jealous that you've achieved a dream and he hasn't. He might worry that he loves it but you won't believe him because you think he's 'just saying that'. Find yourself a writing group and bounce your writing off them. They are more likely to be honest and you will learn a lot more from them than from family.

It's the rambling style that takes ages to get to the point, and the upbeat tone without genuine feeling, that speaks of AI attempting fiction. OP might have teplaced several paragraphs with 'My mum and sister have been helpful and supportive in reading my 120 page draft novel, but DH refuses to read even a chapter and I am hurt'.

Yeah, given that OP is f-ing, blinding, and raging about him not reading her book I find it difficult to believe that she'd be super chill about him throwing a bucket of shit over it. For this sort of thing you do want somebody who's disinterested, but not uninterested. He probably knows his opinion means very little since he's not involved in the literary world and fears it's a time-consuming hiding to nothing; if he says it's a triumph then he might be suspected of just saying that in the interests of a quiet life, if he says it's bad or indifferent he might get a kicking.

My DH asked me to read his book.
I'm a reader, it's a genre I enjoy. I put it off for ages. It was so awkward. I love him but the chances are it wasn't going to be amazing and I'm not the kind of person to give empty praise, but I didn't want to hurt him. Plus, I'm really not good at critiquing books beyond basic grammatical accuracy.

I really don't think family and friends are generally a useful feedback source and it's quite a high risk strategy as you've found.

Oh wow! Was it the tits flapping or the typos? I one finger bashed it out on my phone but gawd if a quick furious download of thoughts from my head sounds like chatty petey, I think I'd better get help more fundamental than independent readers!

Honestly though, I have read every comment on here, and I appreciate the time and really helpful guidance given by everyone who has commented with constructive kindness. There are lots of direct and to the point pointers amd perspective which didn't feel the need to be mean. Not knowing the field of writing, or the process, I just reached out to the immediates around me to kinda say.... does this even work?. Obvs the feedback is clear... this is a silly idea for all the good reasons shared above.

It is highly unlikely that this little project will ever leave my desk, much like some sewing, crochet, painting and knitting projects i have lying around the place and guiltshaming me. But if it did... I will definitely be taking the useful advice given on this thread.

Just to confirm once again, I only sent him the first two chapters, which he initially had said he would love to see, then apologised my feelings were hurt by not having a look, and then still didn't look. Amd yes I concede it was totally passive aggressive of me to delete it from his inbox. It's not creepy that we have access, honestly, we just usually work really openly with each other's emails. It's supportive (not in any way coercive), which i suppose is why I feel so let down now. He is being a bit untypical.

The chances of me being published are, I know probably wildly less than zero. And even more so if my angry one finger phone typing voice also sounds like some AI bot.... I shall worry about this for a long time as in my day job I am really scathing when I receive anything written by cgpt and feel personally offended at the audacity!

But thanks again everyone. I've been on mumsnet many years under different names and always thought I was a bit of a thread killer so to have such a wonderful volume and community of feedback (mostly really kind and helpful), to wake up to is really appreciated, and I feel much less wounded about the whole situation now.

You are a good sport OP and I wish you well with your project.

This really resonates with me, although I think I’d look at it in the context of the rest of your relationship rather than the reading itself.

When we were still together, my ex never read the book I wrote and didn’t read the articles I published on a website I started either. That website ultimately led to a successful freelance career, so in retrospect what bothers me isn’t really “he didn’t read my stuff”. It’s that something I was creating, was proud of and which became a significant part of my working life didn’t generate much curiosity from the person who was supposed to know and care about me most.

So I’d be asking: what is he like about the rest of you? Is he interested in your thoughts, work, interests and achievements even when they aren’t personally his thing? Does he ask questions and remember what’s important to you? Does he take pleasure in things going well for you?

Because I don’t think partners need to consume everything each other creates or share every interest. But I do think there should be some basic curiosity about the things that matter deeply to the person you love.

If this is the only example and he’s engaged and interested in you everywhere else, I’d probably see it quite differently from if you’re realising this is one example of a much wider pattern of him just not being very curious about you.

Didsomeonesaydogs has nailed it. Posters here have given many reasons for not reading a DP's book, many of which are understandable. But it's much harder to get over it if you suspect he simply DGAF. Because it makes you ask, what else in our relationship does he not GAF about?

My DH has written 2 books. I haven't read them. To me, they remind me of all the mornings and evenings and weekends he spent writing them instead of doing laundry, helping with the baby or watching a film with me.

He doesn't seem to care. Maybe he's secretly hurt, but he probably already knows what I' thinking above.

Tricky. I’ve published about a dozen books across three pen-names and four genres and get decent feedback sometimes from my partner but I know they’ve not read all of my books and that’s ok. It’s no big deal: it’s a hobby, not a living and no one has to like everything. But they wouldn’t say they’d read something and then not do it. I’d be pretty pissed off in your case.

It's supportive (not in any way coercive), which i suppose is why I feel so let down now. He is being a bit untypical.

I think this is the kernel at the heart of this @frustratedwriter. It sounds like a generally mutually supportive relationship, and he does seem to have been onboard with your taking the time necessary to write 120,000 words? Which, even if getting it down stream of consciousness style, is a time commitment. So I suspect you feel surprised and hurt that he's now not seeing that through. But as a number of us have said, he likely does have his reasons. I also understand your (amusingly passive aggressive) deletion, but it might be more productive to simply tell him that you're hurt and taken aback by his behaviour?

Either way, I agree that you sound like a good sport and wish you luck with your endeavours.

I wouldn’t read a first draft.

I’d read something that had been through numerous drafts and rewrites.

There’s a reason why the saying “A writer’s best friend is the waste paper basket” came to be. Professionals rewrite and rewrite again.

A first draft is likely to be painful reading for anybody.

Really? We are supposed to cheerlead our partner's hobbies now? I love my husband and DGAF about his hobby. Doesn't extend to how I feel about the rest of the relationship.

So he was hugely enthusiastic but hasn’t bothered to read it? Deeds not words…

Same here. DH's hobby is fishing and it bores me to bloody death. I have zero interest in it and zone out when he starts talking 😂

I would be shocked that the person closest to me had no interest in reading a book/story I had written, it would make me question the relationship.